15th May 2018 - Knutsford FC 5 v 1 Linotype Cheadle Heath Nomads - A very busy day at work was finalised with a bike ride home, a read of 2 chapters of my latest book (Of Human Bondage) in the sun-blessed garden, a quick tea and out. Arriving at the ground we purchased tea, had a wander and came across a pristine hoverfly, namely Merodon equestris - what a stunner. Hello's and chats to a few friendly folk was had, we acquired team-sheets from Knutsford's secretary Nev (in exchange for a Viennese Whirl I'll have ye know) and sat and waited for the teams to appear. The home team came out and had their photo's taken with a brace of cups they had picked up - The Cheshire League and Cheshire Amateur League Trophies were the prizes for a good old season, they seemed mighty chuffed with themselves. Eventually the two units for tonight's match took up their positions, I predicted a good contest and a 3 - 3 drawer, what a misdirected wanker I turned out to be, although there were 6 goals so some face was saved.
After an initial bout of probing the first invasion took place via the home team after a great ball from their No 8 (Nehru McKenzie) led to a corner being won. The kick from the angle came, several legs swung and struck air, it was a threat free moment. Knutsford soon started to dictate but the Linotypers had a surge against the grain and won a free-punt after the No 11 (Steve Kirby) was unceremoniously brought down. The same player took the kick, into the wall it went and from here, for what seemed a lengthy period, action was scarcer than the hairs on Duncan Goodhew's scrotum. The guests scurried, the home team foraged forth but neither team bejeweled the nipples of glory and left them swinging and lactating milk of misery. Knutsford upped the ante, they prodded and poked like an aroused Old MacDonald with his latest synthetic pig purchase. For all their huffing and puffing no bacon was brought home. No 9 (Ash Harrison) used good muscle to lay the ball off with his noggin. The ball was received and played back to his exerting self, he duly walloped but shot too high to put the shits up the keeper! Knutsford were undeterred and moved the ball around with tidy gracefulness. A free-kick on the edge of the box was bilge to say the least but the home No 7 (Dean Warburton) was making positive contributions and keeping his side on the advance. No 6 (Phil Yulie) let go a turf trimmer, it failed to ripple mesh but a few of the wannabe daisies held their blooms back for a little while longer.
Cheadle were hanging in by the skin of their teeth (although teeth don't have skin so feel free to use a term more apt - 'skin of their rectum' perhaps). Out of the flow No 7 (Joe Campbell) for the Nomads robbed a home defender, he laid off and saw a shot snatched and put wide - careless indeed and a rare chance lost. Soon after a free-kick came the same way, the ball went in, No 9 (Rick Tindall) made a nuisance of himself, won a grotty header and watched the ball fall to No 10 (Liam Millen) who slapped home with direct authority. This was a stunner, a real reality check for the team in charge, somehow Knutsford had gone 1 goal down and now had it all to do. The game, for the rest of the half went flatter than the chest of Charles Hawtrey and it was with great relief that the man in black put a full stop on matters.
We stayed put for half-time and were joined by local Tatton Park warden and punk chum Darren. A good chat was had about many topics, he was now a Knutsford FC convert and had attended a few games of late - next stop is the tattoo parlour for the tagline 'I may be a man, but I still love Knuts' scrawled across his arse - it is all part of the big over-50 breakdown! And so to matters back on the pitch!
The teams reappeared, 2 early corners were had for the visitors and a multi-pass combination in return for the hosts. The latter occurrence saw a great cross get nutted wide - one across the bows methinks. The Knutsford set-up now played with purpose, As I was chatting with the aforementioned Tatton Ranger about the merits of 'Dracula' I turned to see a hum-dinging shot fly from the boot of a home player. The away keeper rose and stretched and got the slightest touch on the ball (or did my peepers play tricks) and put it on the bar. A free-kick brought the next thrill, Knutsford were the executioners, the ball was floated into the box and McKenzie rose with ease and nutted home. No sooner had celebrations subsided and Harrison was marauding, a free-kick was won and No 10 (David Owens) fired straight at the keeper who collected only at the second attempt. A corner came soon after, another drifted ball went in and fell to the feet of No 4 (Joe Hare) who, despite his surprise, controlled in double quick time and cracked home with little fuss. From here we had another flat period and then a burst from the home lads once again. A ball over the top was knocked in from the angle and a nut home from No 3 (Sean Lynch) had sealed this game and put pay to any dwindling hopes the guest team may still be harboring. What a turnaround this was, I was struggling to keep pace!
The time ticked, Cheadle were under a serious cosh. A long ball came at their rear, the mitter dashed out, No 11 (Ben Brooks) took on the predators role and pilfered the ball and slotted home. This was now getting plain old silly. As Knutsford settled further into the driving seat a quick acceleration and a cross in followed with Owens connecting on the volley and bringing up the 5th - what a thoroughly commanding performance! No 15 (Liam Crellin-Myers) was still hungry for the hosts, a cross came and he had a chance of personal glory but was over-enthusiastic with his header and was further off the mark than a blind man's nob in an 'anything goes' brothel. Myers was at it again soon after, he worked outward, cut in, delivered a delectable chip to the far corner and saw the ball miss by only a few inches. From here we witnessed a real Knut-Job with several more shots coming in, one or two on target but of no trouble to the keeper and the odd one flying off the mark but maintaining impetus. When the 90 minute mark arrived and a sliver of extra time was played it was a great relief to the Nomads when the final whistle came. Man of the Match goes to No 7 (Dean Warburton) who was a cut above and displayed a solid performance that was built on simplicity, sound balance and a perpetual positive thinking that resulted in some very good football - a quite stout effort! Goodbyes were said, an attempt to slash the rangers bike tires was foiled and off we went back home with only a few matches of the season left - we are not complaining.
FINAL THOUGHT - On this evidence it is plain to see why Knutsford FC are champions again and are destined to be in the mix for several seasons to come. They play good football, have a good presence on the pitch and work together as one tidy unit. Several players could make the step up, as could the team as a whole, but I reckon they should stick together and try and get this club to places new and contribute to a history bank filled with success. The Nomads are my most local team and, over the last few weeks, have impressed me no end. Tonight they were on the back foot from the off and were the second best team throughout. Several key players were missing but a 5 - 1 drubbing is never good to take no matter what the circumstances. They look like a team ready for the rest and in need of some repair work before the next campaign comes. Incredibly that will be in about 3 months time, there is much to do and a real test awaiting - I shall be there now and again offering some support and hopefully witnessing some fine victories - crikey, I am getting all excited already!
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