TON UP

3rd May 2018 - Linotype Cheadle Heath Nomads 2 v 1 Rylands FC - So, the nearest ground to where I live was visited again, a mere 10 minute stroll and I can get from front door to ground without a bead of sweat on the brow and keeping the crack of the arse as dry as the skin of Mary Berry (cripes).  Tonight my good lady escorted me, it was a special occasion - my 100th match of the campaign, a season that has seen me pootle about like Mrs Honeyman on amphetamines, scribble away like a manic Samuel Pepys and freeze my knackers on more night's than I care to remember.  I am happy with the effort though but next year will stick to my regulation 60 matches and so catch up on other fronts.  It must be added also that my good lady has done her fair whack too and easily clocked up more than 60 matches - she's a gem.  Despite being an easy option I like tonight's venue and will certainly be doing my fair share in the future, a future which looks to have much potential brightness for a club very much in the shadows.  Tonight I didn't know what the outcome would be, it had been a busy season, many tired legs amid the backlog of matches and the summer break in sight, one thing though, both units would be giving it their all, I appreciate that!  And so to the important game...

No sooner had the ball been initially booted than a hopeful Nomadic punt was lofted forth and No 10 (Leon Grandison) was in.  Alas he suffered an early attack of 'What-the-fuck-itis' and chipped over the keeper with hurried hope rather than composed control.  The ball, as a result, went over the bar rather than under it - the guests inhaled a deep breath and looked to settle down.  The Nomads applied persistent pressure, No 4 (Ash Crank) was sending in some very measured and searching balls that asked many questions of the visiting defence.  Rylands were answering back well, but all the while were being kept on their guard and given no room to dwell.  Suddenly, against the flow, the visiting team won a corner but, disappointingly, the execution was shabby in the extreme and the brief flash of hope dissolved into a transient cloud of 'sour FA'.  A free-kick came at the other end, No 11 (Joe Campbell) put in a quality delivery, the keeper fisted with equal quality (ooh the rum bugger) and it was the start of a very manic period with both teams up and at it with appealing vigor.  The Nomads advanced with purpose, No 7 (Craig Coates) with a sublime tester that saw No 9 (Rick Tindall) chase like a rabbit on heat.  He looked to be in and ready to fire when a sterling tackle came via the visiting No 5 (Harrison Green).  The match continued to be competitive and non-stop, there was hardly any room to get a shot away as both units worked with industry.  Grandison did mightily well to eventually find some space and shoot but the ball had more swing than the pendulous knackers of Duke Ellington after that infamous accident with the piano stool.

Still no goals, still intrigue was high, a Linotype ball was tossed forth, Tindall the Terrorisor was fighting away and found himself having 2 close-in shots blocked before No 5 (Jon Rand) found himself in a striker's position, duly shit himself and shot like a rubber-legged defender with plastic knees and two-glass eyes.  The ball went, unsurprisingly, off-target much to the amusement of a few of his colleagues on the bench (it was a shocker if the truth be told).  Next and No 8 (Terence Butler) and Tindall combined in the box (surely they could end up in court for this kind of behaviour), it was a lovely passing sequence with the latter player having the final shot.  Nice try, no bacon butty of success I am afraid.  Soon after The Tin Man (who has plenty of heart) was causing havoc again with Campbell backing matters up and winning a corner.  The ball in was decent enough, the mitter had sticky hands and caught with confidence.  Rylands brought brief respite with a toothless pootle before Cheadle put together a stunning move that started at the back, worked briskly through midfield and ended with Grandison having a close in effort wonderfully stopped by a quick reacting No 1 (Connor Yarwood).  A corner followed, a nut in came and No 4 (Chris Brown) for Rylands was in the right place at the right time and duly cleared. A late angled kick for Rylands saw defensive confusion but the Nomads survived and then resisted another push with Grandison pilfering the ball, losing his marker and crossing and allowing Tindall to nip in and tap home.  The half was soon done, the goal was cracking reward for some excellent effort - 1 -0 to the Nomads, what will the second half bring?

The break was spent roaming to the clubhouse, obtaining a cup of tea (thank ye kind people for the drinks) and a chat with a few friendly faces.  My wife had left her handbag where we were sat so we had to pootle back with pace, all was well, we awaited the teams and looked forward to the completion of a fascinating contest.

The second period saw the travelers come out and blaze an early trail, they were working up a good lather in their endeavour to sneak back into this one.  A free-kick was won, it had thrust but no cut, too high and no pace, the keeper plucked it out of the air like a gibbon catching an orange.  The Nomads eventually re-settled themselves but a minor black-out by the midfield pack allowed No 10 (Lee Vaughan) to escape and zone in on goal.  He stayed composed, eyed his spot and buried the ball with reliable firmness.  1 - 1 - a shocker for sure but reward for sticking at the task at hand and digging deeper than Howard Carter searching for one of Tutenkhamun's nipple rings.

A stodgy period followed after a pause for a clattered player and a home substitution.  The half had settled quicker than a pint of Robinson's bitter (piss water to the uninitiated) and it became a case of which team wanted it more.  Rylands burst forth, one of the subs flew down the flank and crossed to No 2 (Chris McShane) who was over-excited and fired way too high.  A gratis boot was given the way of the hosts, Butler clonked one in, the keeper was watertight and held the globe like a mother with a new-born bairn.  The Linotype lads rebuilt, No 12 (Ben Connolly) supplied a fine cross, it just missed that oh so crucial killer connection.  Rylands stood firm but another angled punt followed.  The ball was whisked across the goal mouth, all heads missed it but Rand was the man at the back post and slotted home to give his team the crucial advantage.  Crikey, what a great time to steal the show!  This fine and dandy moment led to some foul gobbery by the mittman who received a yellow, kept on the spillage of filth and was given his marching orders.  He ranted and raved but it was wasted breath, the rules are there and the rules were followed, a trifle pedantic perhaps but hey, these things happen. The guests, now down to 10 men, tried to make the best of matters with No 9 (Daniel Sisson) connecting with a corner but only finding air instead of net.  The time ticked away, The Nomads managed matters well and saw out the dregs and bagged yet another 3 points.  Man of the Match must go to the home No 5 (Jon Rand) who was as solid as a sun-baked turd throughout, who was as watertight as Duncan Goodhew's arse and who dealt with more balls than Dr Testicle at his home-run Genital clinic - a cracking effort lad.

FINAL THOUGHT - And once more The Linotype Cheadle Heath Nomads have blessed my eyes with a victory and put in another raw-boned, honesty-riddled performance that will certainly fill them with confidence for the last few matches of the season and, of course,  next seasons fresh challenge.  They have many good players, knock the ball about with good pace and efficiency and for me at least, the only thing lacking is a bit of movement off the ball and a stretching of their opponents over the full width of the pitch.  It is a minor suggestion but hey, they are doing ruddy well at the moment and although making things more difficult than they should be, they keep on winning.  Rylands look a half decent prospect but need a bit of tweaking and twanging here and there with a greater direction had within the main engine of the machine.  They were certainly up against it tonight but displayed a good resilience and, when the chance arose, pinched a goal and put the end result in definite doubt.  They are currently sitting second bottom, I reckon before the season is done they will be jumping up several places and gaining a bit more respectability - well, here's hoping anyway!