DOWN TOWN

11th September 2018 - Cheadle Town 0 v 7 Sandbach Utd - The second midweek fixture and another meet up with STP Stu.  The day was spent at work, I was feeling rather iffy with the guts griping and nausea knocking me sideways - I hope these shrooms aren't finally getting to me - that is all I need, a Brittlegill induced shitting session - ooh me poor Twyford Basin.  Anyway, the walk down to the ground was pleasant enough as the autumnal air was kissed with a chill and the old noggin was perked up a little and a spring in the step was had.  I arrived in good time, had a chat with the gent on the gate and met up with my mate whereupon we purchased tea, wandered to the far side of the ground and wagged the jaw.  Predictions as to the outcome were made, I won't emphasise what complete fools we made of ourselves but I would defy anyone who claimed to have foretold the outcome of tonight's match up and accuse them of falsehood with the scathing words 'liar, liar, ring-piece on fire'.  The 3 points went the way I thought they would go, the way they were grabbed was something of a revelation.  Intrigued? Read on and all will be revealed.

The two sides set to battle, the start was played at 100 miles an hour with a certain recklessness just glossed over by the hard work put forth.  Cheadle were guilty of an early howler after their keeper (Daniel Whiting) had to produce a quick save.  His team went down the other end ,No 8 (Rhys Webb) worked in and from mere feet out had a certain strike prevented by a goal line stoppage.  The ball should have been buried, the chance was gone.  Cheadle continued to work hard, their No 2 (Joseph Neild) and No 9 (Rhys Clooney) were central cogs in a steamed up machine and after Whiting had saved another shot Clooney had a chance to burst netting after weaving between 2 defenders and letting fly.  Alas, he could only wallop into the bracing night air.  At the other end a free-kick followed, the ball went into the box, hesitation and indecision made for a minor mess.  The ball was loose, was it going in, was it going to be cleared, wham, in it went from close range, an unkempt goal for the host's to concede, No 11 (Ryan Allcock) for Sandbach was the fortune-favoured executioner.

Cheadle began to grunt and grind like a gay pig with six willies, 2 free kicks at a threatening angle were won, the first was rather wank, the second ruled offside.  Despite this the team were passing with patience, looking with sharp eyes to find that crack in the Sandbach rear (the underpants department can pay dividends).  The guests were using crowding tactics, giving the home lads no peace to dwell on the ball.  The outcome was an error, the SB squad flashed forth, a scything cross was laden with accuracy, up stepped No 9 (James Kirby) to tap home with ease.  0 - 2 it was, the better work-rate, better movement and better options had borne true fruit, and there was still more plucking to be done.  After a delay that saw the home No 6 (Joseph Shaw) hobble off Sandbach soon picked up from where they left off and duly won a corner.  The ball was hoofed in, several chances to clear were missed, No 7 (Harry Cain) for the visitors was being a perpetual menace, eventually the ball fell to Kirby, he was in the mood for chancing and cracked home to bring up a 3 goal lead.  As if this wasn't insulting and embarrassing enough for The Town two further crosses soon came, Kirby was on hand again to belt forth.  The first shot was shit, the second shot was a hit, pluck that out, a 4 goal cushion was had, the roost was being ruled.  The half-time whistle came after a few more semi-threats each end and an awful Cheadle free-kick.  This was an unexpected scoreline, a 'WTF' event, as we wandered to the opposite side of the ground we chatted with a couple of good blokes from Crewe who were also shocked at the outcome - you just can't weigh this strange non-league game up.

Half-time and there was no tea as there were no cups available, food was running low and people looked a bit miffed.  We met up with the assistant secretary for Stockport Town and he joined us for the second-half, always good company that fella and quite an authority on the love-life of Armpit Ants (Glandosis perspirus).  

The match recommenced, Cheadle Town had 2 early chances, both falling to the shanks of Clooney.  The first was dinked wide, the second forced the mitted man between the uprights to save.  The hosts were still not giving up the cause, No 3 (Tom Ratican) tried a long ranger and saw the ball deflected wide, from the corner nowt of any value came but promise was there and only a minor disaster would halt the progress.  Enter a clumsy tackle, a yellow card upgraded to a red and the home lads were now down to 10.  Things threatened to get out of hand with verbals piercing the night air, handbags swung and in danger of losing a few sequins of control.  The lady in charge took no messing, two more yellows came, the game carried on with little fuss.  A Sandbach free-kick followed, the delivery was choice, No 5 (Kris Stockton) stretched and just missed a killer connection.  In return, No 9 (Rhys Webb) for the Town produced a lovely run that culminated in a firm shot that went wide of the far stick - the effort deserved more.  Sandbach had a good 3 cross flurry next, Cheadle cleared and advanced but a hustle was executed, Kirby the perpetrator duly got the ball, headed goalward and looked like a man on a mission.  The head was down, the legs a blur, the target set and when in range the trigger pulled.  The scoreline went to 0 - 5, and we weren't done just yet.

I scribbled my notes, looked up and Kirby was in to tap home and only thwarted by Whiting's athleticism and awareness - good save lad.  The substitute had a dig seconds later, another solid block was had.  Cheadle still tried to scrape together a goal, Webb was thwarted at the last and No 15 (whoever it was) was working his arse off and duly catching the eye.  Alas, one strong pass, a ball forward, Kirby to Cain and the sixth goal was had.  This was a rout, The Town were down and out.  No 8 (Luke Hincks) was eternally frustrated but did managed to unload a nice grass grazer that quivered the vertical timber - it was one of those nights and no matter what one could summon up, the Lords of Fate would shit on it!  A late shot by Cheadle's No 7 (Ruben Abreu) crawled wide, Sandbach replied with 2 quick passes that allowed Kirby to muscle in and grab the seventh of the night - the man needed testing for steroids, this was madness.  From here the game died a death, it fizzled away like the erection of Billy Bunter in an empty larder - this had been a thumping, one of those home game nightmares that send all pre-match predictors home bewildered and in some cases, suicidal.  Man of the Match goes to Sandbach Utd's No 9 (James Kirby), I could give you 5 reasons why and an insight into the off the ball work he puts in, I reckon the previous textual dabbling explains well enough though.  The crowd thinned, farewells were had, all and sundry seemed in a state of disbelief - what a ruddy season this is turning out to be!

FINAL THOUGHT - The knicker elastic of normality went twang tonight and the pimpled buttocks of Lady Capricious were bared for all the world to ogle at.  The crack of the predictable arse was forced wide upon and from within the rectal area of regulation fell forth an upset that would turn the stomach of any home supporting stalwarts.  Of course the visiting tribe would be thrilled with the evacuation of unexpected triumph - there are some shifty perverts in our midst.  Seriously though Sandbach Utd were on fire tonight and all over the park they were quicker, more fluent and more determined to push forth with control - it was a bold performance and one that backs up many people's belief that come season end we have a definite top 6 team.  Cheadle Town are becoming something of a conundrum and with one match producing a goal glut, another a beating and then another a patchwork performance it seems there is a superabundance of work that needs to be done (primarily off the park).  The players worked hard, tried their best to kick start a stuttering machine but they were outstripped on the night by an opposition who were ablaze and eager.  The next couple of results will reveal more about each side, for the time being I am off shrooming but I will keep keeping a tab on the outcomes.