HEY PRESTO

13th November 2018 - Prestwich Heys 3 v 1 Bacup Borough FC - I am in pain, the bruise on the side of my arse is a multi-coloured mess, my upper back is twanging and my neck stiff - such are the hazards of riding a bike too fast downhill and coming off like a sack of lead-laden shit. After a busy day at work I rode slowly home, did some exercising and tried to ease the stiffness (no, not masturbating you filthy minded buggers), alas it was only a temporary relief.  After watching some idle TV (Tipping Point is a brain drain) my fine lady came home, we had a quick nibble (oh you naughty buggers), got sorted and made our way to another favoured ground.   Upon arrival STP Stu turned up and we all had a cuppa whilst tossing around the verbals and preparing for the game ahead.  Agreement was had as to this being a close-one but, going off recent predictions, there was as much chance of Sandi Toksvig going topless for The Daily Star (perish the thought) than any of us picking the right result.  The night air was kissed by frosted lips, we 3 onlookers were prepared although I find it baffling that, in this climate, one can drink one cup of tea and yet piss 6 pints - the laws of liquid need re-examining methinks. And, ahem, onwards, take yer pick folks, all will be revealed over the course of this textual tale, these are my notes.

From the first Bacup charged with No 7 (Anthony Hall) putting in some splendid work and finding time to lay off to a colleague who was a little trigger shy and let a half-chance disappear into the quite clement night air.  A few moments later and No 10 (Michael Gervin) knocked in a plum pass that allowed No 11 (Matthew Dell) to try his luck only to find darkened depths rather than glorious mesh.  Despite allowing 2 semi-opportunities The Heys were unflustered and were just shading matters in midfield where, as it transpired, most of the 1st half would take place.  Both teams snuffed each other out and it became a battle of wills and tactics as the middle of the park became an entanglement of posers to be worked out and hopefully conquered. Eventually, as the playing surface was clattered by booted feet and the turf was kicked up by perspired endeavor, small glimpses of daylight were offered to each team and the game started to open wide.  Evenly poised there was still little to report and with half-time closing in a complete shutdown was the scenario.  No 4 (Adrian Bellamy) for Bacup was resolute and solid at the back, No 11 (Rio Wilson-Heyes) looked to have potential for Heys as he wriggled and squirmed trying to slip away from a strong rear guard stranglehold.  

The 38th minute arrived, the first chance of any substance came when No 9 (Micah Evans) galloped from the porridge (an apt description Mr STP) and sent in a shot that was saved, rebounded outward and fell to No 6 (Darcy O' Connor) whose effort was blocked right on the line.  It was close but this was a niggardly contest not willing to part with the steam off its well-pumped arse.  A free-kick was the last action of the half, it came the way of Prestwich Heys.  The ball into the perilous zone was glowing, it missed many heads and No 5 (Mark Ayres) looked shocked to find the ball at his feet so close in front of goal.  The touch was clumsy, the mitter collected and soon after the players were wandering off and we were partaking of a cuppa.

A thinking man's game this, one for the connoisseur of all things tight.  You know the kind of tight things I mean I am sure - the nut sack of a young Aled Jones, the man-girdle of Thomas Brolin and the bra-strap of 60's love machine Glenda O'Gussets.  I wondered if any penetration would ensue, with the game that is and not in Ms O'Gussets private area.

The players reentered the arena, Bacup were out with an eagerness and No 3 (Davison Banda) exemplified this with some hard battling that earned a situation to shoot.  Alas it was a tame effort but soon after a cross came and found the awaiting Evans who chested down, volleyed and found the outside of the upright - promising indeed.  Heys responded, a corner was won and when the ball came in bodies were seen to fly all ways.  From the mess the ball squirted out and went over the bar - it could have been so much more.  Matters now became intense, the midfield once more became the major battleground, escaping the melee was one problematical task.  The Heys put forth several decent balls but all to no avail, Bacup were steadfast and were happy to absorb and try and sneak in a quick counter.  Eventually the guests won a free-kick, was this the chance to break the deadlock and strike gold.   The ball was hoofed, it was a wasted effort and Heys broke with zest.  A fine cross ball came and found Wilson-Heyes on the edge of the box.  A quick touch, one look and the shank was swung.   Up and over the keeper the ball went and found the elusive target, what a beautiful way to smash the barren dilemma that had both teams by the puzzled conkers.  1 - 0 to the hosts, now we had a game to savour.

Heys pushed on from here, a corner came and like an ex-partner of Elton John, was given fisted attention.  Bacup were being outworked, Wilson-Heyes for the hosts was a perpetual pain in the proverbials, he nipped in once more but the end shot was idle and caused little concern.  A corner came within seconds, the ball in was choice, it was knocked out and the home No 6 (Jacob Wood) had a rush of adrenalin and swung his peg like a man possessed - the outcome was rather reckless - we shall move on and say no more.  The home pack now had their tails up, a cross ball saw Wood add an extra touch and Wilson-Heyes pick matters up, nudge the globe into position and bang, 2 - 0 - why thank you ma'am.  This was now a game that was in stark contrast to what had transpired in the first half, both teams were playing with greater abandon and more fluency.  As Prestwich pressured again a clearance found Hall of Bacup who got the turnip down and sprinted like a wasp-pursued Alan Wells.  Into the box he ended up and was duly bungled to the deck - the referee gave a penalty and Hall added gloss to his labour with a safe and steady stroke home - now then, were we in for a surprise here.

Suddenly Bacup found renewed energy, Gervin was ravenous for glory, he found space and struck, the save was sturdy and the follow-up by Hall should have been buried.  Next and a defensive mix-up by the hosts, No 14 (Bobby Carter) had time to kill and let fly with gusto, the mittman (Michael Smith) was on form tonight, another decent block was had.  Bacup did find the net with 4 minutes on the clock but an infringement had been spotted, the equaliser remained out of reach.  Bacup pushed once more. Gervin was in but some stunning defensive work blighted his endeavour.  A free-kick came, a bout of ping-pong in the box ended with a handball claim, the ref was having none of it.   As The Borough Boys gave it their best they were caught on the hop by a rapier attack that saw a cross finish at the feet of No 15 (Bradley Sixsmith) who let loose a rasper.  The keeper stretched and produced an exquisite save but Wilson-Heyes was soon in after an untoward moment when Bacup advanced and the carcass of the referee got in the way.  The backlash was quick and direct, the player at the helm finished with aplomb and grabbed his hat-trick and finished the game proper.   A few minutes later and all done, Heys had won this through sheer strength of will and belief and Man of the Match must go to their No 11 (Rio Wilson-Heyes) for some swift thinking, a perpetual weaving performance and of course, 3 sweetly taken goals.  I think all went home after this sated, it had been a game to ponder, it had been a game worthy of anyone's time.

FINAL THOUGHT - From the constipated hat of the match-making magician 4 goals had been eventually bagged from a game that seemed destined to end in a fuck-all draw.  The first 45 showcased two teams with discipline, stubbornness and a good level of communication that halted their oppositions progress.   The only blip was that the odd touch of composure and commanding pass was lacking but other than that is was a good contested period that made each and every player earn their crust.   The second period saw a greater freedom allow many participants a chance to express themselves and the only difference between the teams tonight was a touch of fortune and the width of play.  Prestwich were allowed to play wider, their No 6 (Jacob Wood) who always puts in a worthwhile stint, was allowed to advance too many times and Bacup just played with too much hurry rather than take time to own the ball and play the game at their own tempo.  On another night the scoreline could easily have gone a different way but Heys are a unit not to underestimate and are a formidable nut to break open with many release valves to worry about.   As far as the rest of the season goes there is nothing here to ring any alarm bells and I reckon both should finish in a healthy position come the final whistle.  In the case of the home side, I wondered if there is space in the trophy cabinet for the Lancashire Challenge Cup - if not, it may be worth making some!