10th November 2018 - Rylands FC 5 v 0 Cheadle Heath Nomads - The week had been long, a shed load of work had been got through at my place of labour and one day, when cycling home, I came off my bike and went with a wallop. My legs and back are aching, my upper right arm quite sore too and the side of my buttocks are bruised but, my private parts are still in one piece and my date with the photographer from 'Conkers Internationale' is still on. The photo shoot will be based in Perspiring Pamela's North Yorkshire garden were I will pose in rather candid positions whilst trying to bring the spotlight on the History of the Rolling Pin and the plight of the Nipple Ant - one has to put back. So a usual Saturday morn was spent, we hit the road with enough time to avoid any pesky road works and arrived looking forward to a meeting between two teams new to the North West Counties fiasco. This Macron Cup encounter could be a very close one, closer than the inner thigh's of Mick McManus, tighter than one Bertie Wooster after a night at The Drones. Having said this it could go one way or the other, hence the reason I was on the edge of my seat, well that and the aforementioned sore arse. Before kick of the players, fans and officials all stood in memory of the fallen, the victims of war where wasted lives are there to be learned from and bravery duly respected - the silence was spot on and the fact that all today's takings on the gate were to be donated to the Royal British Legion says so much about both teams.
The object without corners was kicked on the surface with corners and my peepers were peeled and as keen as ever. Rylands were immediately on it, 2 crosses were whipped in, the second of these needing attention from the visiting No 4 (Ashley Crank) who put behind without delay. The corner in had decent accuracy but an infringement was spotted and the chance negated. The hosts galloped forth once again, pace was used as well as many angles, with a cross eventually coming that allowed No 9 (Jamie White) to slide the ball home beneath the keeper's tangerine clad carcass. Soon after and Rylands came forth with a stunning pass finding No 2 (Carl Lownsborough) who moved in from the angle and hammered a low pile-driver that the away mitter (Aaron Tyrer) did well to palm behind. 2 corners followed, the first was rattled behind, the second comfortably dealt with. Cheadle eventually pushed themselves back into the game, a few steaming tackles were won that fed No 11 (Stephen Kirby) who put one onto the bonse of No 9 (Richard Tindall). The header was loaded but from a wayward barrel and the target zone remained untroubled. Rylands hit back with more crosses, one of these was lofted high and dropped from the sky like a heavenly testicle, perhaps the Angel of Hitler (oxymoron) had dropped. The home No 11 (Steven Boothman) picked up on what the defenders failed to deal with and after one bounce belted forth a shot with much gumption. Alas the beef added was overly done, the ball flew over into the nearby gypsy settlement!
Cheadle now looked like a side re-energised and had a great 10 minute spell of pressure that exhibited some rapid passing sequences and a screaming thunderbolt from No 2 (Jack Warren) that shook the upright down to its foundations. As the ball came out it was soon won back and Tindall put in a straight drive that warmed the mittmans digits and no doubt sent tremors to parts best left unmentioned. At the other end No 10 (Liam Moran) was put in and in truth should have nailed home the 2nd strike of the game but the end touch was rather gentle to say the least. The Nomads bounced back, No 8 (Phillip Yuille) worked away in the corner and found enough space to cross and graze the globe of Tindall who sent the ball onwards just off the mark. The response was urgent and effective with Lownsborough charging forth and creating time to shoot. Instead he unselfishly laid one off for Moran to tap home. Now 2 goals down Cheadle had to work hard and it was Tindall again who forced an error and sent in a graceful chip that was blocked by a decent one-handed save. As time ticked Rylands remained on top and could have gone 3 up when a free-kick by Boothman was slammed toward the goal and needed the attention of the keeper who just managed to tip over. The corner came, it went long and was picked up by a Ryland's bod who almost turned hopelessness into unadulterated magic with a run in the box that was struck from the acutest angle and trembled the far post. The last blast came from Cheadle with an overly-elevated free-kick - and we were done.
A nip for a gypsy's kiss, a cuppa and a chat with a groundhopping gent who hadn't missed a sporting event on a Saturday all year. Rugby League, Rugby Union and Football were his fix, I am happy to stick with those playing with normal shaped balls.
Back to our seats, The Nomads were out with great purpose ('getting stuck in' I think the term is in more vulgar circles) but Rylands were resolute and found ground to put in a free-kick that was punched out without conviction with a close-in shot somehow getting deflected behind. The corner was wasted but the hosts soon came again, undeterred and like a Jack Russell I used to own who frequently tried to impregnate my lower leg, full of rabid desire! Cheadle were akin to a man with the shits and floundered in the rear, the resultant mess was exposed. White for Rylands held the ball up and laid off for Boothman to drill directly home. At 3 goals down, Cheadle were up against it with their opponents a very hot property with many options available when in possession. A few subs followed, Cheadle once more dillied and dallied at the back and allowed the ball to be gained, a cross to come and Moran to find the ball at his feet with room to spare. The keeper advanced. the striker remained cool and picked his spot - 4 - 0 may seem a harsh scoreline but in brutal truth, it was deserved.
From here Moran had a chance following more industrious pressure. His shot this time was negated by an outstretched shank and the keeper was glad to gather. Cheadle dug deep, Tindall turned and slapped one off the peg but again elevation was high and the green clad guardian between the sticks was left unflustered. Despite Rylands being comfortable they could have added a few more strikes if they would have avoided a very obvious offside trap although their No 8 (Stephen Wolhuter) did managed a low drive that just missed the far stick. Into the home run we went, Tindall again offered the only hope for the visitors and a cute touch deserved a goal but was duly tipped over for an angled kick. The ball came in, was cleared and followed by a tackle that many deemed dangerous - the referee saw otherwise and waved play on. With a couple of minutes left The Nomads once again pissed about at the back, Wolhuter gained the ball and pulled the one legged bandit of fortune. The globe took to the air, the curve was subtle and as the keeper back-pedaled he was lacking in pace as the net was found and a gilt edge was added to the final score. At the death a goal-line clearance saved further blushes and the the whistle was blown. The Man of the Match goes to Ryland's No 8 (Stephen Wolhuter) for some magnificent running, some great on and off the ball movement and a final goal of true quality - it capped a good stint by himself and his comrades. We wandered off astounded by the scoreline here, I think Rylands may be on to something rather good.
FINAL THOUGHT - Cheadle Heath Nomads came today perhaps with hopes high but reality firmly held. They tried their best but they were pressured throughout, were out-thought in many areas and were put in a position early on where they were chasing a very elusive game. To add to this they were running out a few new faces and looked like a team who need a short rest to recharge the batteries and get back on form and in the veritable mix. Highs and lows are part and parcel of the season, it is all a question of how you ride them and how much unity within the ranks you can show - I am sure they will be back to winning ways soon. Today however they were up against a very choice unit who seem to have all areas covered and have no real weaknesses. What was the deciding factor though was the strength on and off the ball and the eagerness to chase down everything and duly force errors. They play with nice width, they communicate well and they have several players who could easily move to the next level. If this squad stays together they will certainly jump to the next grade, but remember the road is long, the road is hard, there are many miles to travel before the pot of gold is attained. I will certainly be back to this pure Non-League ground this season, a bit more of the same will do very nicely thank you.
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