15th December 2018 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 2 v 2 Eccleshall FC - The day started awaiting the carpet fitters who were expected to come early morn and get some kitchen flooring down. Would they come on time or would they dawdle and assist in me missing today's game and forcing me to burn down their local factory? Thankfully my box of Captain Webb remained unopened and the layer of the laminate turned up and did his thing. 3 hours later we had a new kitchen floor and I was ready for some scram. The gut was duly filled, I wrapped myself up with many layers and in good time made the short jaunt to this local ground. The gnashers of the wind nipped at areas best left unexposed (unless of course on holiday or at a Royal Wedding) and the usual mandible wag did just enough to stave off a full on winter molestation. Eventually I chose my sitting spot, the cold plastic took some time to warm and my buttocks groaned in resistance via the little puckered mouth known as an 'arsehole'. Fartology is the study of the anal utterances, the language known as 'crapulenta' is spoken by many, luckily I had a Non-League butt-plug on me today and the mucky mutterer was duly bunged up - schtum bum don't ya know - and now to concentrate on the match proper.
The teams arrived out on the hardy grass, knees knocked and frameworks ravaged - it was time to warm up chaps and chase that ruddy globe. The Nomads made the early running but Eccleshall had the first dig with No 10 (Louis Downs) trying an opportunistic wallop from out on the flank. It was hopeful, it was over the bar - start all over again sir! The next effort came after the hosts No 9 (Richard Tindall) let fly from a period of bluster but the attempt was tame and troubled no one except the Peeping Tom in the nearby garden of Mrs HIlda Labia. The Nomads came again, an eye-catching ball in fell to the feet of No 8 (Philip Yuille) who just couldn't make any clean-cut contact. Even though the hosts were edging matters the back-line of the Eck remained unflustered and panic free and blocked a few more punts with firm resolution. No 7 (Keiran Herbert) started the next onslaught for the Cheadle lads, a firmly struck ball to No 2 (Jack Warren) was dealt with and passed out to No 10 (Leon Grandison). The recipient moved forth, eyed glory and let fly just missing the far upright. A free-kick the same way was not long in coming, two follow-up shots ensued but a breakthrough was nowhere to be seen - there was little in it that was for sure!
As the home pack pushed on a corner came, was delivered and headed the wrong way by a wannabe goal getter. The ball went out and back in, a fine header followed and an almost point blank save was the result. The much sought after spherical object dropped loose, No 5 (Joe Hare) was on it quicker than an hermaphrodite on a copy of 'Tits and Todgers Internationale' - the net was duly bulged. Immediately Eccleshall found it within themselves to respond, No 7 (Luke Walsh) exposed some great feet, passed to Downs who swivelled and shot and made the keeper earn his crust. 2 corners came, the only danger had was with a break away but this was soon quelled and the game settled. From here Eccleshall were the perkier outfit although Tindall produced a weak shot in return and Grandison put in a low cross that saw Herbert inches away from burying. The quick thinking and hunger of Eccleshall would not be denied for long though and a pass and long ball saw Downs race through and bear down on the advancing mitter with a chance to get this game back on a level footing. The brow remained unfurrowed, the eyes like a kestrel zoning in on its prey and bang, the ball was firmly nestled home and the intrigue levels went up several notches. For the remainder of the half the resident team tried to force the issue but the travellers displayed good organisational resolve. A few semi-precious digs came, the end shine was lacking and Tindall, just before the stroke of half-time, could have dramatically altered the interval team talks when he was put through from a glorious pass. The shot the came was hurried and into the filthy weather - all square, all fair - and so the break.
A jaw wag with a few locals and Abbey Hey Pete at half-time was done through chattering teeth and clanking conkers but it was heart-warming to know that the local bishop whom Pete had recently tried to strangle following a defeat in a local nude Scrabble competition had dropped the charges. After praying hard it seemed that the Man of God had found forgiveness in his heart and let the frustrated compiler of words recover from the stress-inducing beating. As a word of advice to Pete, 'Conkernobbing' is still not in the dictionary and 'Schnocklecock' is a Jewish term for chocolate dipped willies and is also not allowed. And away from the board to the pitch we must go...
Eccleshall displayed an early fire despite playing headlong into the wind and rain. The greasy surface was being played by the Nomads and one decent move culminated in a crack from No 6 (Ebbie Rezayan) which the keeper easily gobbled up. Onwards the hosts came, Eccleshall though still held threat and weren't to be ruled out just yet. Hare for the home lads came close when, from a mush, he found space to shoot and clip the outside of the post. Herbert nearly pounced next but was denied at the last to keep this one in an involving state of balance. The Eck stuck to their task, they won a free-kick from virtually nothing and as Cheadle pondered matters and chewed the cud with one another, a quick ball was had. One pass followed, Downs was in, 1 - 2, thank you very much and well deserved it was. There was only me applauding - I try and be fair tha' knows. A few subs followed, a sticky spell came and then a booking and more substitutions. A touch of tetchiness was sidling into the host's psyche, we were looking at the home stretch and this one was slipping away for the purple clad players. The Nomads came on, Herbert put in a swift and accurate cross, the fired up No 4 (Ashley Crank) just failed to find the killer touch. A corner came soon after, the keeper punched and mayhem was finalised by a sizzling rasper - over.
Now we entered the last 5 minutes, a hold-up brought touchline verbals, the Nomads reacted quickest after the delay and a ball into the heart of the box was the result. Legs swung, bagatelle was witnessed until super-sub and saviour No 17 (Andrew Simpson) popped up and grabbed a quite unexpected equaliser. This was a kidney punch to the Eccleshall pack who had done so well to gain the lead whilst working headlong in conditions best termed as 'wank'. Now they had to hang on to save the lone point rather than a fistful of three and they nearly lost that one too when a ball came and a striker almost nipped in and added insult to injury. Thankfully the away team got their draw confirmed as the whistle blew and for me they were unlucky not to go back home with a full-on victory - football can be a cruel game and we all know the wicked script only too well, each and every minute matters that is for sure. Man of the Match though goes to Eccleshall's No 10 (Louis Downs) for his 2 goals, some solid holding up play and the eagerness to fight for lost causes and keep his team in it. The fact that he needed substituting may reflect the effort thrown in - good on ya!
FINAL THOUGHT - Cheadle Heath Nomads may be my local team, they may be the most friendly folk I know and they will undoubtedly get the most visits from me this season and every season hereon in but honesty and fairness must always be used in these reports and today they were a side out of sync, a side rattled and a side who certainly got lucky when the chips were looking to be pissed on. Having said that, they stayed in the contest, battled to the last and showed, that even on a rough day, they are still capable of snatching something - that, in itself, can be a mark of a very good team. I think at the moment they are at a crossroads and are hitting one of those 'sticky' patches that all teams go through - how they come out the other end is the true judge of quality. Eccleshall FC impressed me today and exhibited a team with good communication, some good running individuals and a defensive stubbornness that surely should bring greater rewards. They are currently sitting in 15th position, on this evidence I find that hard to believe but, as is shown today, if you don't take your chances, kill the game dead when its vulnerable spots are showing then a chomp on the arse will be had and a struggle to consider the outcome. I need to catch these guys again soon to gain greater clarity into their inner machinations - there are just so many options in these 3 leagues each and every week and unlike that little Moroccan fella of Mr Benn, I can't be everywhere! PS - if anyone finds two pink globes rolling around the Cheadle Heath area please let me know, my testicles were so cold today they rolled down my trouser leg and went on a runner - there are 10 shekels and a signed William Conrad photo for anyone to helps recover them - be gentle with them please. Crikey it were a cold un'!
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