5th January 2019 - Vauxhall Motors FC 5 v 0 Alsager Town - An early start for me and the good lady with some birding and fungi hunting at Brotherton Park and Dibbinsdale NR followed by more of the same at Eastham Country Park that brought several decent sightings but nothing out of the ordinary. A couple of waxcaps in the woodlands of the former area were an odd sighting and a few fungal specimens on Gorse at the second place were very much appreciated. Slightly chilled we headed to the nearby Vauxhall Sports Club and had our dinner and then paid our dues and enjoyed a cuppa and a Lemon and Poppy Seed Muffin in the cafe - splendid. With 20 minutes to go we headed out and found our perches, the time ticked on and with a lowly turn-out of fans (58 recorded) the teams came out and the game got going. The home team, on paper, were favourites but as per, these games are a gamblers nightmare so it is best just to sit back and enjoy the dismantling of the conundrum.
The early stages of this contest were patchy, constipated and lacking any dissecting touches. The Motormen juddered, the Bullets fired blanks and excitement, to we neutrals, remained minimal. No 9 (Karl Noon) of the hosts had the first effort on goal, a low rasper that went straight at the the visiting keeper and got the blood flowing around the old mitts. The hosts pressed on from here, all to little avail as their opponents absorbed like a busted bag of Pampers but produced little in return like a bunged up baby on the shitbowl! As Vauxhall huffed and puffed The Town sprung and burst down the flank via their tricky dicky No 7 (Tyler Savage). A cross came, the ball, after a brief bounce here and there, ended at the feet of No 8 (Thomas Brown) who unleashed a thunderbolt that the keeper did well to get his outstretched fingertips to. The save was far from firm, the impetus of the strike was high and propelled the ball onto the upperside of the bar - now that was close The corner, after this elevation of hope, was crap! From this scare, the home team responded with a cross that missed the defender and striker but was met by No 5 (Thomas Mitchell) who duly netted and brought great joy to his team...and just as Alsager were growing into the game - rotten luck for sure and a sign of a team just not getting the rub of the green!
From here matters were untidy, the hosts always held greatest threat though with a corner just touched over the bar and then another move finding the crust of the hirsute No 4 (Matthew Carlin) who couldn't quite keep the globe below the horizontal. Into the last 15 minutes we bumbled, Alsager had another dash down the flank with a powerful cross just too high for the No 11 (Louis Downs) to make a worthwhile contribution. An angled hoof and a gratis-kick came the same way, the first was shambolic, the second headed by Brown but only into the meat of the mitter's carcass. Again the visitors came, Brown was in, a pass to Savage saw a quick swivel and a blasting boomer get sweetly touched away by the No 1 (Kristofer Leigh) at the very last. The corner kick ended in a tame header from No 5 (Ryan Goodwin) but this was better from the travelling team. After a shot the other end from Mitchell that was duly spilled but grabbed at the second attempt No 10 (Connor Leek) for Alsager showed a last explosion of persistence that won a free-kick. The ball was played short, Savage shot, the effort was cleared and we pootled off for a half-time cuppa. The ref blew before we reached the corner flag - very kind sir!
Some tea, a pee and a pootle to the opposite side of the ground to watch the game stood on our feet and to stretch the old framework - bring it on!
The recommencement of the game saw no quarter given, a lot of 'oomph' thrown in but a heap of finesse and culture blatantly lacking! The midfield mass became glutinous and an escape route was very much needed by two teams nullifying one another's ambitions. Vauxhall eventually began to flex muscle and strain sinew, No 6 (Joseph Heath) latched onto the culmination of a minor move but could only blast into the darkening skies. Alsager bounced back, a long ball saw Downs slap across and No 12 (Dominic Smith) make a weak connection that the keeper parried away without too much stress. From here the Vaux Populace struck with a counter that ended with No 7 (David Webb) at the helm and looking certain to bury. The shot came, the mittman sprawled and did a sterling job of protecting his meshwork but the ball went loose, fell to No 9 (Karl Noon) who buried and doubled the lead in quite simple fashion. The hosts now commanded, a header by Carlin could have brought up the third but remained in line with the awaiting keeper and then a ball went wide, No 15 (Damasa Kiwanda) sent in a fiery cross that was duly touched home by Noon and finished the game as a competitive affair.
The cold crept in, Smith slapped a shot in for Alsager from an acute angle with the ball blazing across the face of goal and causing only terse concern. The same team still tried to find a break and then, from sweet FA, the hosts knocked a ball from nothing to Mitchell who crept in, let loose a shot that was partially blocked but somehow still wandered over the line. 4 - 0, the cruel caning was complete. The last minutes were upon us, Kiwanda was allowed to race forth, he crept in and rifled an effort that bent the netting on the right side and added stinking shit to the many open sores of the suffering travelling team. The scorer tumbled and flipped with flamboyance - I think he enjoyed that. Before the final whistle Kiwanda roamed forth again, the ball looped over the wandering keeper and was somehow just touched wide - phew! At the death Webb had a shot that was saved and nearly, so very nearly, crept home...and then we were done. We wandered off wondering how the bloody hell this was 5 - 0 and where Alsager Town are going wrong. Man of the Match by the way goes to Vauxhall Motor's No 8 (Haydn Cooper) for a simply enthused and energetic performance that surely created a heat map to sizzle the statistical conkers of any analytical noodle in attendance. It was a workmanlike, efficient and impressive effort - he must be on some secret ingredient we don't know about!
FINAL THOUGHT - For Alsager Town the gear-stick of momentum was phallus-shaped and brutal and duly rogered a struggling team ragged leaving them in a discombobulated and disbelieving heap. I have seen them twice of late, the first time I had reason to have hope, this showing left me clueless. I don't think the game today was deserved of the scoreline, things were generally much closer but it was at the business end of matters were the ball ran unkindly and Vauxhall Motors were more urgent. The team now need to get back to basics, plug the gaps at the back, then tighten the midfield and battle like buggery and finally sharpen the frontmen and work on the confidence - if only things were that easy. Vauxhall Motors did what was required of them today although in a game that was messy, lacking any great thrills and against a side struggling to build up a head of steam. The league indicates both these units will be in this division come next year, it will be interesting to see what the next 12 months will bring and when this fixture is repeated what the outcome will be. I feel the hosts have more to offer and if the squad can remain consistent and injury free then true success may be borne...then again, as I say, if only things were that easy!
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