5th March 2019 - Irlam FC 0 v 2 Bootle FC - A day of work to keep ye olde Fungal bugger out of mischief. Thankfully I found time in my lunch break to send a death threat to a local MP as well as a pair of used underpants for good measure (Peregrine Smug, you were asking for it). I have heard you can get into trouble for this kind of behaviour but if I get caught I will plead diminished responsibility and claim that the underpants were only dirty as I had run out of Lux Flakes. After work and a work-out on the bag (no, not a masturbation session) I tried to identify a moss and a weevil - it is what I do, sometimes my head gets in knots but I do want to try and get wildlife more note and help it flourish. My wife came home, we had a snack and then the road was traveled down to our destination. We entered a melee of commuters shitting themselves to get from nowhere to nowhere. My message is simple - 'relax, there is no hurry, it is better to get home safe and sound but please don't make us late for the kick off you set of bastards'! Arriving at the ground we indulged in the usual salutations, purchased some chips and opted for our standing spot. This was a battle of two blue armies and I was calling for a close encounter. I know my limitations and will keep my prediction private - all will be revealed at the end of the report or, if you have had a peek on-line, you may already know what score I have opted for.
As soon as the ball got rolling the wind picked up and the rain fell, we dashed for cover, little did we know the weather was going to be a reflection of the on-field antics. In the opening stage both teams battled hard and strove to find some semblance of control with little in the way of any fluent quality. If anything Irlam were edging matters and using more of the playing surface than their opponents. The first break duly came the way of the hosts, the culmination being a shot from No 9 (Jordan Buckley) that the guest keeper did well to save. Soon after Buckley nipped in again but the touch was weak and wide, the brief excitement was washed away by the rather shitty conditions. As Bootle ploughed away and 'pissed into the piss' (for want of a better phrase), they won the first corner which was akin to a drunken Ronnie Corbett - short and wasted. Bootle came close again not long after when a cross was floated over the reaching keeper and just needed the barest of touches to break the stubborn deadlock - no takers were to be seen. From here, in truth, there was little to report, this was a chess match of two tightly knit unit both snuffing each other out and making for a very unattractive impasse.
The dying stages of the first half fizzled out with a whole lot of poor decision making, some wayward passing and a lack cohesion. The referee called for a halt and people fled for refreshments. Me and the missus stayed put, necked a bag of Prozac, rung up the local CBT councillor and asked for some positive vibes and decided to keep the razors nearby...just in case. Look, 99.9% of my reports I deem to be positive, I am struggling to maintain that emotive modus operandi here - it was, so far, a shocker.
The second half began, John D joined us and was also of the belief that this was struggling to get going (to say the least) and committed himself to a 1 - 1 draw. The first action was borne via the hosts hard-working feet. A free-kick was had, knocked in, knocked out before No 8 (Liam Morrison) made a thunderous connection and brought the first genuine gasp of the night - alas the ball went wide. Offsides came each way, the ghastly contest continued although Bootle did muster one decent passing sequence that saw a decent shot fly just over the horizontal - was this going to lead to something we could label as 'quality' - surely not! Suddenly Bootle pushed, they were given time to stroke the ball around the box. Irlam slid around, a low ball cross came and up stepped No 6 (Connor Millington) to tap home - and about time too!
This spark should have put a rocket up the jacksie of the game but all we got was a damp squib, there was a serious stranglehold on matters and no matter how the teams huffed and puffed this was a real nip and tuck affair. A corner came from the mush, it went the way of The Mitchells. The globe was delivered and met with good cranial gumption by the incoming No 5 (Ryan Ledson), the end result wasn't that far off the mark. We soon entered the last 5 minutes of this stodgy contest, an Irlam ball came, the substitute No 16 (George Farrelly) was put through on goal, he galloped with keen focused zest, the keeper (Ryan Jones) was all that needed to be negotiated. It turned out that the gloved guardian was up to the task and saved mighty well. From the action at one end went down the other, a throw for Bootle was had, the ball knocked back towards the halfway line, a place of little peril, or so it would seem. Bootle's No 8 (Liam Loughlin) cracked one forth, he had grand ideas and watched his effort fly high and fall goalwards. The keeper suddenly looked panic stricken, this effort was going to be mighty close and as the ball fell with pace, the mittman backtracked and reached out a hand - too late, the spherical projectile fell below the bar, rippled net and was a fine strike for the memory banks. This was the 90th minute, the closing stages exhibited more life and excitement than witnessed all night long, Buckley for Irlam had a dig at the end of a decent move but couldn't find the target and No 10 (Carl Peers) for the guests sent in a fine strike at the death that needed a firm hand to touch over the bar - and we were done.
This had been a grueller, a test of one's patience, a glutinous treacle to get through with the end result perhaps just going the right way. Man of the Match goes to Bootle's No 8 (Liam Loughlin) for his wonder goal and peristent hard work in the incessant bluster that made sure all and sundry stuck to their task. This was a hard working shift, and in truth it had to be. Farewells were had, we made haste through the gloom, homeward at last - do I sound relieved?
FINAL THOUGHT - Well what can I say - what a trial this was, in truth one of the few times at this wonderful non-league level when I went home...frustrated. It wasn't a good match this, a very constipated affair that never really shat forth any consistent thrills and spills and left all and sundry wanting more. No doubt the Bootle fans went home happy and they did see a fine strike in the dying stages but, for the neutral, this was a definite duffer. Irlam are well settled at this level and are no mugs and no matter who they play they always battle well and hold their own. They are a good unit and well versed, today they were just up against an equally tough side who got the final rub of the soaking green. Bootle are in second place in the league, behind the fine unit that is City of Liverpool, I think that speaks volumes. They won't catch the Purple Pack, but are still making sure the leaders don't rest on their laurels. What the team need to do now is see the season out as best as they can and keep on giving a good account of themselves, hopefully building upon their unity and making for a force to be really reckoned with next season. If they stick together they could be the favourites to win promotion next time around, but we all know about those 'if's - they are almost as bad as those pesky 'buts'. It keeps us interested though and despite tonight's match being a poor do we will be on a touchline again this Saturday as keen as ever.
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