Sunday, 4 August 2019

NEWCOMERS NOBBLE THE HEYS

3rd August 2019 - Golcar United 2 v 1 Prestwich Heys - The first day of the new season started with myself and good lady up early and yomping around Dalton Bank Nature Reserve where we worked up a sweat greater than the lather Quentin Crisp had produced when he got stuck in a Working Men's Club whilst wearing his skimpiest sequined shorts.  Up, down and all around we went, it was a ruddy warm one but well worth the effort with 114 species clocked up and all ready to be recorded.  The only blight was seeing a few patches of trash dropped no doubt by a species not on show today, namely the Pimpled Arsed Litterbug (Selfishus bastardonia) - I hope the shits become extinct real soon.  After lunch in the car we headed to the ground for today's hoofing antics, we arrived 25 minutes later.  Once inside we brought some drinks and 2 choccy bars and lazed in the sun reading our books and soaking up the rays.  Eventually a healthy crowd began to build (well apart from a few pot-bellied buggers and one or two arthritic victims) and we took up our viewing positions and chatted to a lovely bloke called Richard who was doing a spot of hopping even though his legs looked to be of the same length.  The teams eventually came out, this is the first of many reports this year, I am hoping those that read them don't resort to Prozac as many perusers did last year - I am trying my best.

The start was dazzling, particularly so by the hosts, with the urgency to make an impression in this new campaign most blatant.  An early free-kick was consigned to the files marked 'wank' but this, in no way whatsoever, dented the home teams initial ardour that was laden with zest.  Heys, despite being on the back shank, did manage a free-kick that was sweetly delivered but the in-box mis-control banished all optimism as well as any chance of a shot on goal.  Golcar continued to dictate when, from a seemingly lost position, their No 7 (Ryan Mackay) was out wide and being persistently harassed.  He stood his ground, stubbornly refused to lose the ball and dug out a cross after riding 2 robust tackles.  The ball entered the box, No 11 (Ben Burnett) floated in and executed a sweet touch that saw the ball find the inside of the net and break the initial deadlock.  What an ideal start and what a way to sign, seal and deliver the potential of the early promise - game on!

From this point Golcar continued to apply pressure and a moment of exquisite passing saw No 8 (Jordan Townend) release a middling effort that the mitter could only parry to safety.  The guests eventually got a slight foothold in proceedings but as they advanced Mackay for the hosts pilfered and threaded a pass to Burnett whose shot was very tame indeed and pissed on the chance to double his side's lead.  The Prestwich pack took heed of this scare and began to advance with purpose.  No 2 (Jacob Wood) roamed forth, received in the corner and put in a pearling cross.  No 11 (Will Shawcross) was in the right place at the right time and buried via the crust - it was an equaliser against the run of play but they all count. 

No sooner had the balance been regained than No 8 (Bradley Sixsmith) for the travellers had a dig that went just over.  Had the tide turned?  Did Golcar have King Canute on the bench?  Would a nude Telly Savalas look-a-like parachute in and force the game to be called off?  It is all about questions, questions, questions!  No 10 (Rio Wilson-Heyes) had the next crack, the save that followed was adequate and then a free-kick was awarded but No 9 (Shelton Payne) knocked forth a stinker and we stayed as we were.  The settled period that followed saw the hosts have a corner fisted away which saw a long ball follow and the visiting Payne duly gallop after.  The home No 5 (Kiero Lawrence) was having none of it, stayed focused, read the run of the ball and just did enough to force the striker into making a rather rushed shot that went off target.

As the game approached the break No 10 (Michael Tunnacliffe) for United had an effort fly high and then Prestwich Heys took their eyes off the task at hand, allowed their opponents to string together a couple of in-box passes that eventually fell to the tootsies of No 9 (Alex Hallam) who pinged the ball home with very little fuss.  Another shot soon after saw another gloved parry and we were done.  Golcar had their noses in front, I think they were deserved of the advantage.

With 379 in attendance we stayed put for the break, chatted to the aforementioned Richard and considered what would happen next.  I fancied the away team to turn this around, I gave air to my opinion, if one cared to look closely enough one would have observed that all words came from the seat of my pants - the cruder folk out there refer to it as 'talking through one's arse' - ooh the plebians.

The second half started with good spirit although a few touchline verbals were rather repulsive and I did feel for the many young nippers in attendance who certainly didn't need subjecting to such pointless bilge.  Heys cracked on regardless, Wood found space, played a tidy ball that Payne collected.  The turn was rapid, the shot whacked off without thought, the side-netting was ballooned inward - ooh heck.  The game now became spicy, the heated madness off the pitch spilled onto the pitch as several players came together, postured, pushed and posed and then saw the darn silliness of the situation.  The next action was borne of the rising tension as the home No 1 (Harry Stead) had a rush of blood, dashed out and lost the ball whereupon Payne let fly from out wide but could only watch on as the ball flashed across the face of the goal.  

Proceedings progressed, shabby shots at both ends were donated, several substitutions followed for each team as the dangling testes of success were there for the grabbing - whose mitts of belief would be big enough that is the question?  The last 20 minutes were entered, some delicious link-up play around the box was executed by the home pack, Townend shot after a swift 3 pass passage, the ball just wouldn't stay down.  At the other end, Wilson-Heyes produced some dainty feet but could only find the side netting, were we in for a hair-raising climax - if so, would it affect my balding pate - oh the uncertainty of it all.

The final throes, a Heys free-kick was nutted over, it didn't matter, the huffing and puffing liner was waving his flag anyway.  A corner followed minutes later, the delivery was decent, the keeper knuckled away, the return shot by the substitute went wide, Golcar were holding onto their precarious lead.  During the last flings the resident team became a little frayed around the edges and as the rain started to fall one did wondered if the dreams of an opening day win would be washed away in an early non-league shocker.  I needn't have worried, after a Heys header was boomed over and Payne was booked for impersonating Jacques Cousteau in the box (now he was a great diver), the referee had seen enough and blew his trusted whistle - the home fans seemed rather delighted.  After farewells myself and my missus headed home with a decent match under the belt at the start of another long season.  The first choice for Man of the Match this time around goes to Golcar United's No 5 (Kiero Lawrence), for a never say die performance and for staying quiet and focused throughout and being a definitive lynchpin in his team's defence - perhaps he is one to watch, tis still early days but for now, well played fella.

FINAL THOUGHT - For me, the difference today was that Golcar United desperately wanted this one and put 110% in from the first whistle to the last.  They stayed rigid in defence, ran themselves into the ground and were utterly determined to start this season off on a positive note.  Prestwich Heys were like a cannabis-soaked sprinter, very slow out of the blocks and, when they did get running, they were never allowed to settle due to their opponents high energy value.  These early matches are mere peephole glimpses of what may unfold in the coming months but are far from a yardstick on which to make outlandish predictions.  Be under no illusions, come the final weeks Prestwich Heys will be there or there abouts and Golcar will have to maintain this solid start to stay with the pack.  The home team have the support, they are on an upward curve but these are hungry leagues and they will have many a tough encounter along their journey.  There are still many questions to be answered - so far its 1 down 37 to go - I am already absorbed.

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