FROM FUNGI BACK TO FOOTBALL

22nd October 2019 - Chadderton FC 1 v 1 Shelley FC - From the damp and dark woodlands I have re-emerged.  From the shaded nooks and crannies of Mother Nature's Dingly Dells I have come, with my Crampballs taut, my Stinkhorn still emanating and the dose of Trembling Rot still held in check.  I have dabbled with Dead Man's Fingers, I have told tales about the Slag of the Woods, I have even been been heard to relate details about Arse Hair Fungi, Witches Butter and that sinister tribe of rotters known as the Black Bulgars.  Now I am back on the touchline with only a couple more fungal wanderings to lead before the season is up - the question is, will I be charged with crimes of verbal indecency or will Betty Turpin sue me for misusing her name (you have to attend a walk to fully understand).

So on this darkened October night I chose a match, my good lady was my escort, we set out hopeful and, as it turns out, with my pre-match predicting hat-trick up for grabs.  I had called the last two correct results of the matches I attended, had had my time sat on the gloating throne and now I was willing to put my reputation on the line.  My crystal ball was cloudy, the tea leaves weren't settling, the dogs intestines were giving no real reading, I was relying on skill and skill alone, the prediction was of a 2 - 1 victory for the hosts.  After chits and chats and a chuff warming cuppa we (along with STP Stu) made our way to our usual viewpoint.  For extra company we had Charlie Chill and his wafts of inclemency, it was getting to be that time of year.

The start of the match was peppy with both teams adopting a pass and play buoyancy and maintaining a decent fluidity.  The first crack at goal came from Chaddy's No 10 (Daniel McLaughlin) who lashed one off target after receiving a quite delicious ball from the No 2 (Steven Affleck).  Shelley responded with many counterpunching balls that tested the home rearguard and made them earn their early crust.  Chadderton held their own but after a terse spell of pushing they nearly came unstuck by a ball over the top that was just too late for the striker who was deemed to have strayed into an offside position.  Shelley continued to play their direct style of football that was very easy on the eye. 

From some real hustle Chadderton won 2 corners on the bounce.  The first was well delivered and needed a strong header behind, the second was met by the head of the incoming No 5 (James Dwyer) who was annoyed to see the ball boom wide.  The hosts continued to press and squeeze like a perverse doctor on a prolapsed rectum, it was just the final penetration that was lacking (cripes).  Saying that, a kick from the angle did go mightily close and put the wind up the visitors who immediately reacted with some in-box ping-pong that could have easily led to the first goal of the night.  Eventually a corner was won by the travelling pack, the delivery had pace and was aimed at the near post.  The No 9 (Craig Billington) was quick to react and put crust on ball and grab the opening goal.  It looked so simple, Chadderton looked rather miffed.  

From the re-start Shelley looked to quickly double their lead but Billington's touch in the box was poor although a corner was still earned.  In the ball came, the home lads gathered and broke.  No 7 (Arron Scholes) played a ball of quality saturated dimensions over the top, No 4 (Jordan Butterworth) remained composed, chose to loft one over the keeper and did so with excelled class. 1 - 1 - what a pure peach of a goal (with added cream of course).  This was the last serious action of the half and it was time to put liquid in one end and expel some out of the other.

After the lower plumbing was cleared a drink was sipped whilst having a chat with Cheadle Heath Nomads Manager, Andy Gray.  Despite managing a team this guy is always out and about - for me the reason for this may be down to two things.  One - he likes football and wants to keep tabs on the opposition, two - his good lady is sick of him sat at home dressed as Thora Hird and insists on getting him out of the house to avoid this mockery of a long lost sex-symbol?  I am investigating which is true - watch this space, all will be revealed!

Once re-perched the two tribes came out with immediate shots coming at both ends of the park.  No 10 (Josi Bradshaw) for the guests worked hard to wriggle free and jab one into the keepers awaiting arms and then Scholes sent forth a daisy cutter that flew wide of the far upright.  The half settled, No 9 (Reece Lyndon) sent in a cheeky floater soon after that nearly caught the keeper with his kecks down, alas the ball stayed airborne for a little too long and went over the bar rather than beneath it - unlucky!  

For a lengthy period there was little to report with both teams negating one another's efforts and making this a real gloopy period with very few escape routes available.  No 14 (Liam Chambers) added a bit of extra spice and skill for the home ranks but even he couldn't find much space and a glimpse of soccerised salvation.  A free-kick for the hosts was taken by their No 5 (James Dwyer) who had previously volleyed wide.  The shot was firm and full of vigor, all that was lacking was direction - we stayed all square.

Shelley soaked, stuttered and sprang, it was a rare chance but at the apex their No 17 (Matthew Waller) was a little over-zealous and sent his effort tearing into the great sable sky.  The next notable action came via the hosts with Chambers displaying quality kissed tootsies, back-heeling to a colleague who darted and delivered.  No 15 (Oumar Camara) had space on the edge of the box, boomed like a bastard with a problem and clattered the underside of the horizontal.  The ball was loose, the guests managed to clear their lines, now that was my 2 -1 prediction flushed down the U-bend for sure.  

The closing stages remained competitive with a few frustrations overspilling and Shelley's No 6 (Carlton Pownall) being sent to the sin-bin.  A free-kick for Shelley went straight at the keeper and at the last, Lyndon for the home team had a half-chance but dragged his effort across the countenance of the strike zone.  We ended with a fair and just parity, no team deserved to lose this one, it had been a well-balanced and hard fought game.  For me, Man of the Match goes to Chadderton's No 9 (Reece Lyndon), a reliable force who goes about his business with quiet authority, noticeable efficiency and who stood strong tonight when it mattered most.  He was part of a team who deserve applause for their heads down, no moaning approach - I think that is the way forward for many a unit.

FINAL THOUGHT - The greatest aspect of tonight's game was the fact that, in the main, both teams got on with matters, avoiding that draining moaning and groaning and went about their business with a desire to play decent, direct football - I think both units and their management team should be thanked for that and the fact that both squads are doing reasonably well is a testament to this approach.  In truth, there was very little in this one and right up until the final whistle it was a tough one to call.  My 2 -1 prediction was close but close is not good enough and I will be polishing my crystal ball and squinting into it with a little more earnestness next time.  It was good to be back at Chaddy tonight, tis always a good place to watch footy although the seating area does play havoc with my aging buttocks.  We need to get another visit to Shelley in at some point, if I remember rightly the approach to the ground had fungalising potential - what more can a man ask for, fungi and footy - ooh aye!