Wednesday 20 November 2019

A CAIN IN THE ASS

19th November 2019 - 1874 Northwich 4 v 0 Irlam FC - I have a question, it is threefold, it goes like this - Is it easier to 1. Unwrap a sherbet lollipop using nothing more than one's sphincter muscle, 2. Reproduce with a Conger Eel after a night on the cooking sherry or 3. Pick the winner of tonight's Macron Cup 2nd Round encounter?  Well, being a sherry connoisseur and having tackled the fishy problem with flourishing success I am left with a choice of two (as well as a family of elvers) and duly believe that the match we were anticipating was the more difficult conundrum to solve and was surely one to make the most soccerised sage furrow their brow with straining consideration.  To prove my decision was correct I popped into the local sweet shop on the way home from work and, having found no lollipops on sale, tried the aforementioned rectal procedure with a packet of out-of-date Spangles.  I succeeded in opening 3 orange flavoured ones and a brace of lemons although the fizzy centers have given me a touch of thrush and I find that I can't sit still for 5 minutes.  Despite this 'bit of bother' I profess to be a brave and hardy soul and I attended tonight's game, with my good lady, full of high anticipation and leaking many effervescent farts.  After going to the wrong ground because my head is generally up my overworked arse, we arrived, were greeted by the always friendly Irlam crew and then joined by our good friend STP Stu.  We supped tea and picked our spots - it were a bit parky lad but the bubbles below were thermally accentuating so I really couldn't gripe game on!

As was expected, the first stages of this match-up started with high energy and hungry hippo eagerness (now there was a game).  Irlam kept a lid on their enthusiasm and passed with good composure making the opponents build up an early sweat to get a foot on the ball.  The hosts though are always up for the fight and with nothing less than sheer tenacity forced the issue and won and angled kick.  The ball entered the box, was defended but delivered once again with the crust of No 5 (Ryan Mitchell) providing a flick header onto the top of the horizontal (please add own gasps).  Irlam reacted to this scare with a free-kick earned, No 3 (Dylan Allan-Meredith) took responsibility, sizzled one in, the shadow of the ball kissed the upright (ooh err) but on the wrong side unfortunately - unlucky!

As Irlam pressed on a supreme noteworthy moment came.  No 11 (Taylor Kennerley) of 74 battled like a chimpanzee with hormone laden nuts.  He was duly tumbled, got back to his feet, was bumbled again but refused to give in or react.  He had the foresight to stick out a leg and play a pass from the ground, he was rewarded with a peach (I should say 'banana' but poetical licence does have its limitations), No 9 (Scott McGowan) reacted quicker than a tapeworm on a freshly digested pie, the keeper was there to be beat and in casual style, beaten he was - 1 - 0 - what a moment, what a touch of priceless passion!

From here the home team became emboldened although an early substitute was needed after one of their players got clattered.  Irlam looked for scraps, they picked up on a stray ball, a pass was made and No 7 (Marcus Perry) flashed in and put in a delectable chip over the keeper.  The ball looked goal-bound, it bounced once and was mere inches from the strike zone.  From a battling period of play Irlam won a corner, in-box confusion followed, the 74 squad dashed quicker than a deviant on a promise, No 8 (Callum Nicholas) for the guests was desperate and committed a foul, his name went in the book of sin.  

The arse end of the first half was exposed, Irlam tried to force a very uncertain issue, the green clad residents stole possession, McGowan knocked a sublimely wondrous ball out wide, No 15 (Callum Gardner) collected and cut inwards, he only had eyes for goal and walloped a beauty right into the top corner - he looked a trifle overjoyed, Irlam looked shell-shocked.  The closing stages saw the hosts make all the running with Irlam still trying to play their game.  The guests did trespass into advanced territory and had several chances to release but the trigger was pulled too late, solid blocks came and we were done.

A wander, a brew and some choccy for the break.  We moved to the opposite side of the ground, the spiteful wind in the mug was rather nasty, akin to being farted on by a recently defrosted zombie - not nice at all.

The embryonic thrusts of half two saw the Silver Street Blues try and grab an early goal back.  From a corner though they were caught with their conkers cold, 1874 dashed away, Gardner was on it with added options, the low drive was not what the Doctor of Soccer ordered - chance gone.  Again the Shack men tried to shake things up, again they were outworked, this time by the relentless No 7 (Harry Cain) who won the globe, touched on for McGowan who squeezed out a shot that needed mitted attention.

As the resident pack now dictated, the crowd gave generous support with the opposition getting slightly ragged and frustrated.  Cain progressed once more.   He was involved in a  delightful link up, t'was a pity the end shot was 'shite' and accompanied by a hollered expletive.  No sooner had the blue air cleared than the same player was at it again.  The pace, precision and pass were sweet, the re-gathering of the ball and the end strike where just jam, cream and cherries on the cake (cor blimey me waistline) - what a well deserved take this was - game signed, sealed and delivered methinks, only a fool would disagree.

The game, as a competitive spectacle, was done, No 9 (Connor Martin) for Irlam sent forth an hopeful looper that refused to drop below the horizontal and then Cain for the hosts was rampaging again and was given respectful note for riding a crude tackle and not rolling about with thespian extravagance - it was with frustration that the potentially piercing move was blunted by dutiful defending.  Irlam were getting stretched all ways, a few more bookings ensued, 2 substitutes followed and were indicative of the last throw of some very rattled dice.  Northwich rushed, a ball went out to Cain, one touch was taken, McGowan was fed and the shot came.  Pick that out - 4 - 0 it was - what a ruddy turn-up!

The closure saw shots come at both ends with the keepers answering the questions posed. No 4 (Charlie Doyle) for Irlam had the last dig of any real note, the home keeper stretched his carcass and saved without too much fuss, and that was that folks, I wouldn't have predicted this scoreline and anyone who says they did is in severe danger of being struck down by lightning.  The Man of the Match is a more moot point, it could go to any one of 11 players but for me, 1874 Northwich's No 7 (Harry Cain) was irresistible tonight (no, not that way you naughty buggers) and played with such head-down desire, awareness and general focus that the nod surely has to go his way.  The interplay, the exposure of a thriving inner engine and the goal, it was a complete night's work for sure and here is a player, who is a shining example, of why the team are doing what they are doing - let the applause ring out in agreement.

We pootled off after the match chilled but warmed, I don't think I need to explain the reason for two opposing sensations.

FINAL THOUGHT - Tonight I expected a close encounter, what was served up was primarily a one-way match with the winning team very much 'on it'.  These things happen, nothing really worked for Irlam and they were hustled and bustled out of the game by a team very much in the groove and with a deep-rooted belief.  Promotion this time must surely be a certainty for 1874 Northwich, a few cups may be thrown in for good measure, one thing is for sure, every time I see them play the atmosphere is welcoming, they attack the game with real gusto and they expose a potential waiting to be fully tapped - this could be the year the floodgates of promise truly open.  Irlam were just off the pace tonight, run ragged by a rabid machine and just didn't get any decent breaks.  Shit happens, this is all part and parcel of a long season but the fact is, they are in the upper reaches of their league, have had a few good cup runs of late and are a ruddy good side - the players and all involved shouldn't forget that.  The question is now 'how will they bounce back' - this is where real questions are answered and character and discipline is put under the spotlight.  I will be watching both sides as and when I can, I have said it before and said it again though, we are blessed to be tuned into this fine game, be grateful, be fair and be respectful and I think we can't go far wrong - oh, and remember it is just a game, above all else, just bloody well enjoy it!

No comments:

Post a Comment