Tuesday, 17 December 2019

AND AFTER THE BLACK-OUT

16th December 2019 - Maine Road 2 v 0 Garstang The wintry days are getting on my bristols, the on-going nightmares are sending me insane and the rear brakes of my bike are screaming like a phantom from Hades - it is all rather testing for one's nervous system.  I recorded the said howling brakes so that the bicycle repairman could make a judgement when I took it into the shop earlier in the day.  Alas, when playing the recording back I pressed the 'reverse' button and uncovered the most satanic messages imaginable, much to the disgust of the pedal-obsessed retailer.  I was told to go on a shoplifting spree whilst wearing a tartan jockstrap and get 'Enoch Powell is my Lover' tattooed on my forehead.  If this wasn't bad enough the main message was to write all future football reports using nothing more than a banana and the blood of virginal virtue.  Alas living in the Manchester area this is an impossible task as we all know - bananas need warm weather to fully fruit (crafty hey).  So with a whirring head I got through the day, stole 16 packets of disposable razors (ooh me smooth buttocks) and 12 lumps of lard (like I say, 'ooh me smooth buttocks) and arrived at the football in one flustered piece.  The game tonight was at a favoured ground, it featured two teams very much with a cup run on their minds and, if I may be so presumtuous, was certain to feature some net-busting goodness.  As per, tea and chin-wagging was done with STP Stu and then viewing points were chosen.  When leaving the clubhouse I had an attack of the nefarious klepto-vapours and considered stealing a pie - I resisted the urge because I have the deepest respect for these clubs but if my arse breaks out in boils I will blame it on the dark one instead of the recently pilfered lard (I am a considerate soul at times).

So arse parked, banana and squid ink at the ready (well I did say certain requests were impossible to meet) and here we go again with Abbey Hey Pete joining us for the evening's entertainment.  We had a delay at the start as the floodlights were playing up and one half of the pitch was left in semi-darkness.  Several bods in the distance fiddled with the electrics and after some uncertainty and several 50p pieces had been put into the appropriate slot we were eventually blessed with a fully radiated ground...and to the game we go!

Maine Road came out with their usual high energy with their opponents showing equal spunk and making for a quite hectic start.  The first attempt on goal came for the home team, their No 9 (Jack Coop) sent in a purposeful driller that missed the target but closer than one first deemed.  The blue clad pack advanced again, some choice and acute passing was terminated when No 3 (Paul Earlam) was allowed to cut in and pull the trigger.  The shot was deflected wide, the corner led to a break away but the apex of the move lacked confidence and we stayed as we were.

The activity levels remained elevated, the guests won a free-kick that was delivered and dealt with.  A return shot came, the ball bounced quite harshly before the gloved guardian who did well to turn it onto the post and eventually behind for an angled hoof.  The corner may have posed no threat but the pressure from the Garstang mob kept on growing.  A header nearly found the net and then, against the grain, The Road broke, No 6 (Oscar Campbell) threaded a fine ball through the smallest of gaps and the ball was neatly tapped into the net - it was with disgust that I noted the liner's flag waving for offside.

From here the contest became more balanced, No 8 (Ben Mooney) for the hosts stung the keepers mitts with a robust punt and then No 10 (Owen Pollitt) had a middling dig that the man between the sticks found a little less hurtful on the hands.  From here, and quite unexpectedly, Garstang seemed to drop deeper than the voice of Frank Bruno and really created some unnecessary mither for themselves.  It was a complete contrast to how they started,  a Jekyll and Hyde moment that got the home teams hooters of hope twitching (not to mention their prongs of potential).  Eventually the resident ranks moved with purpose, the ball was passed with razor accuracy, the Garstang defense was opened up like a tin of Bartlett Pears, Pollitt was in the right place at the most opportune time and put the ball into the net to break a rather awkward deadlock.  1 - 0 we were, the away team's manager did sound a trifle irate.

From here, up to the interval, the hosts shaded all areas.  Coop had a couple more pops, one at the keeper, one into the chilled night air and then a quite sumptuous move saw the swift passing end with No 2 (Ryan Smith) nipping in and shooting at close range and bringing out a stunning save from the quick and agile visiting No 1 (William Kitchen).  From the corner the ball was knocked down and played across the face of goal.  A gasp went up from the crowd, sphincter muscles were squeezed, a buzz of anticipation invaded areas best not mentioned but alas, no assassin's toes appeared and soon after the break came and we all headed for warming liquids.

A quick wander, tea purchased, and back to see what the second half would offer.  The crowd looked rather chilled, they needed something to stir the blood - here's hoping.

As is usually the case, The Road came out quick but Garstang were showing good pluck and more than holding their own.  A close in header for the traveller's was unfortunate to enter the keeper's awaiting arms and then from a bout of midfield muddling Road's No 7 (Jamie Roe) played a tidy ball to Pollitt who released a howitzer that just had too much uplift.  Coop had a dig the same way soon after but blazed wide and then we entered a rather constipated period where the bowels of the midfield clammed up and refused to shit forth any decisive droppings of success and not even the odd fart of promise.  From the unyielding discomfort the laxatives of optimism eventually kicked in, Garstang came on strong, a long ball found their ever-industrious No 9 (Richard Coar) who had a swing on the turn but was foiled by some last ditch defending.  In return to this minor fright Roe for the hosts played another simple but mightily effective ball that Campbell latched onto and bent forth towards the strike zone.  The curl was decent but not quite enough and a few feet wide of the mark the globe flew.

As we progressed into the latter stages of the game the outcome was still uncertain.  Shots came each end, both mittmen did their bit, albeit in rather unorthodox styles.   Into the last 10 minutes we were propelled, Mooney for the hosts worked inward and let fly, again a deflection saw the ball go behind.  A corner came, Garstang stood firm and duly broke with No 12 (Joe Melling) out wide putting in a sweet cross that Coar met with the crust at very close range.  The keeper's peeper's never left the danger-laden sphere and he produced a more than adequate point-blank save - now that was a chance if ever I saw one.  With only a brace of minutes left the home team gave one last concerted push, Mooney cracked one from a middling distance, the keeper palmed rather than gathered, it offered the chance to Pollitt to react, make contact and grab the second and decisive killer goal - 2 - 0 and seconds later that was indeed...that!  A grinding affair was over, there was little in it and the Man of the Match was a tough call but Maine Road's No 1 (Conrad Betton) must surely get the nod because when it mattered most he produced the necessary saves and made sure his team kept their noses in front whilst always having something to fight for.  It takes great concentration between the sticks, this was a fine show of how to keep your mind on matters and of how to be alert at all times - good stuff.

So that was that, the first of 3 games on the bounce, onwards we go.

FINAL THOUGHT - This was not a classic, at times it was a cagey affair, now and again it became eggbound.  Throughout though we had intrigue and a precarious balance with two eggs of success laid and the Blues advancing into the quarter final stages and Garstang returning to league duties with a right old battle on their hands.  The visiting team seemed to have many promising components and an array of options but today seemed to contribute a schizoid performance that, for certain periods, appeared ambitious and then now and again seemed to lack that killer confidence.  They need to take stock, realise they are better than they think and start to go at matches with a Gung-ho forthrightness - I reckon they may be surprised.  The Blues showed me tonight that when not fully fluent that can remain disciplined, stick to their principles and come out of a dogfight with a win.  In the past I have seen the team get drawn into a mucky and messy affair and end up in disarray and on the end of a beating that really shouldn't have happened.  Tonight they weren't at their best but at times moved the ball with swift precision and problem creating decisiveness.  Who is to say they can't win this cup, they are certainly a team to be reckoned with when at their best and now, with this new found grit and grind style they could indeed go all the way.  It would be a lovely thing to witness but we are still only at the quarter final stage and their next match is a real tester with 1874 Northwich undoubted favourites.  The game will take place on 15th February 2020 - you have a choice - get it in your diary now or stop in and watch another repeat showing of 'Columbo and the Riddle of the Sexual Satsuma' - ooh decisions, decisions.

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