The game began, the hosts
earned an early gratis-punt, No 11 (Brad Walker) was the apical component of
the move and duly cut in and let fly - the outcome was higher than the salary
of Jimmy Tarbuck at a Charity Dinner (ooh the twisting twat). From here
corners were won at each end of the pitch, a pitch that, in some areas, squelched like a fat woman's fart and, in others, resounded like the hooves of many aroused equines -
the going was definitely soft to hard and somewhere in between as well.
The men between each set of sticks did enough to stifle any success with a
midfield contest taking the initial reins. From the combat, the Penistone
No 9 (Nathan Keithley) detonated himself into driving action and kicked up the
turf like a consternated cow in a field of anal-obsessed gnats.
The feet were nearly lost due to some close defensive attention, somehow a
delivery of the ball was made, No 8 (Jordan Corduri) was the man of the moment
and tapped home to grab the oh so important first strike of the game.
The onus was now on the hosts
to dig in deep, an almost immediate free-kick was posted with pace and fair
precision, the rearguard nut away was sound and epitomised the organisational
set-up of the visiting tribe. Penistone were always a dangerous
commodity, Keithley raced away from another midfield mush, he was duly tumbled
and was awarded yet another bonus boot. The ball came, No 5 (Ryan
Johnson) rose and knocked in a fine header which was met by a choice one handed
save. The player who had just used his noggin now opted for a touch with
the feet and quickly tucked the ball into the awaiting mesh - 0 - 2 - was this
going to be a really one sided affair? I had my fears!
Knaresborough, to their credit, refused to sit back and duly won several
free-kicks, corners and throw-in's. The Church of the Penis remained
upright and immovable, stone solid in fact, the hosts were going to have to
produce something mighty special to make a breakthrough. Eventually that
something special did come, No 5 (Gregg Anderson) flew the flank, Walker chased, receved and played a sweet cross that No 9
(Will Lenehen) received and prepared to shoot. This looked like a real
glaring chance, the tackle from the travelling No 6 (Brett Lovell) however was
world class and stomped on the threat in sure-fire style - note to
Knaresborough, please start all over again.
As the half ground down my good lady nipped for a warming brew whilst I
scribbled, she was perhaps fortunate to miss seeing the ball fly out of play
and slam into the chilled conkers a the bloke nearby. He writhed and
wriggled and clutched his throbbing globes, at least he would be warmer for the
second half. The final stages of this first period saw Penistone play
some lovely touch and go football, they were unlucky not to grab a third.
The break was spent supping warmed liquids, nibbling the last bit of our orange
fudge and moving from toe to toe trying to generate some thermal assistance -
it was now officially a 'witherer' - mind you it was the eve of December, I
suppose we were due a real icy snap.
The second half and from the off the visitors pushed with ardour with
Knaresborough just lacking options when looking to break although the home No
10 (Andy Cooper) did nearly sneak in when a smart through ball was played.
The hosts were noticeably improved and determined now and from some persistent
pressure No 7 (Rob Youhill) worked the wing, issued a tidy cross that was
nodded back into the path of Cooper who
buried without fuss - the game, as a contest, was now back on.
As Knaresborough sensed blood
and applied themselves with renewed hope their opponents absorbed and broke.
Some lightning wing play saw the ball played, Corduri have a firm dig and get a
slight deflection. The ball flew
into the netting, it was a cruel moment and ideally timed for the Church Boys,
not so well timed for the hosts though.
Penistone now flowed, unlike stones of the penis of which I have had a few over
the years as they made their way from my kidneys to the big wide world.
Against the troubling tide though Youhill played a mouth-watering ball that
looked set up for a eye-catching coup de grace. The striker's shot
though lacked spite and may it be said, belief. Penistone used this brief
scare as a catalyst, they advanced and won a free-kick. The delivery
came, No 5 (Gregg Anderson) crept up and put cranium on leather, it was a shame
to see the outside of the netting bulge inwards.
The time was passing and with it the hopes of the resident players. An
attack was had, some in-box cranial ping-pong only led to a corner that was
lashed in and missed all wannabe executioners. The Town soon surged
again, Youhill was putting in a very worthwhile
stint but just not getting the rub of the frosted green. Lenehan connected
from a corner but couldn't find the target and then Penistone put together a
dazzling move that covered the full width of the pitch, involved a cute
back-flick and ended in a shot that was mere inches wide - now that would have
been some goal. Into the dregs we went, Cooper for the home team stung
the mittmans hands, the loose ball was cleared and then, after a gloved
slip-up, No 12 (Luke Stewart) had a shot on the turn that the man between the
sticks did well to deal with. A final corner for Knaresborough was
whistled in, No 6 (Sam Cook) produced a quite lovely header which was outshone
by a picture-perfect save - and that was that!
My good lady had predicted a 1 - 3 victory for Penistone Church, the team had thoroughly deserved
the win, a win which was built on a sound defensive performance led by my Man of the Match, namely No 6 (Brett Lovell).
A tall, robust gent who got his nut on every aerial ball, stayed calm when
under pressure and who took a no-nonsense approach when the ball came his way -
a simple ethos - keep your eye on the globe and get rid - it worked mighty well
and the fact that he played the game in good spirit with a fair attitude was
equally noticeable - well done chap. We may have been perished watching
this one, we had no gripes, 4 goals, a good winter's day game and some decent
folk chatted with - Yorkshire we shall return.
FINAL THOUGHT - A thoroughly enjoyable excursion at a welcoming area that just
needs the football on the pitch to do all and sundry justice. The home
team came up against a good squad today though and shouldn't be too downhearted
with the defeat. The first half was lacking, that goes without saying,
but the team's second half efforts were utterly positive
and if they can be played out over 90 minutes for the rest of the season (a
tall order I know) then Knaresborough can only go on to better things.
The team never got ruffled and played with greater expression during the last
45 and given a touch of fortune could easily have got the game back to all
square and put some real wind up their opponents high-flying jackies.
Penistone Church are a good unit though, I was mightily taken by the blend of
style within the weft of the squad with grafters, dribblers, hoofers and
doofers peppered up with a direct approach and a rearguard unit that will make
things difficult for any team they meet. They now top the league, I think
that says it all, as I type this report I see they have posted online
asking the age-old question - 'which is better, points in the bag or games in
hand' - personally I would go for points and the three earned today were very
much deserved. I can feel a trip to Penistone coming on - I wonder if I
can do a report without resorting to the obvious innuendo and I wonder if
Penistone can provide me with another winning performance - well, I think the
answer to one of the posers is obvious, can you guess which?
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