IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT

3rd December 2019 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 0 v 1 Cammell Laird 1907 - Old Father Football has now bent fully over, spread his all-consuming chuff-cheeks and sucked us all up in the inescapable anus of ball-booting intrigued.  We have entered the darkened depths of the campaign, we are deep within the chilly orifice of competitive action - the only thing I ask is to be shat out at the end with a glut of goals and excitement rather than get overly-digested and become part of a constipated concern.  Things are looking good for many teams so far, some struggle to gain any real motion, others are in a snagging mire and fighting for their lives - pass me the arse paper folks, tonight's match may get mucky.  Cheadle Heath Nomads scatter-farted along with hit and miss performances during the early part of the season but are now on a quite impressive flush, Cammell Laird 1907 are dropping the odd logs of disappointment but also intermixing their strainings with many turds of triumph, all both sides need are some extra laxatives of luck and who knows where they will end up.  I predicted a 5 goal game tonight, the new drugs I am on are mighty strong but hey, one has to be positive.  After a day of work where I took a break to catch up with the Stockport Town chairman Rob York I got home, did the usual chores and headed out.   It goes without saying there were many familiar faces to catch up with, they know who they are, they know their company is always appreciated, they know I will be invoicing them for writing these kind words - have it!

And so, 7.45pm came around, all tender areas were tucked in and the game was there to be viewed. The chill in the air was akin to the emotions of Dr Crippen, void of warmth and causing one to be wary, we were hoping the game would keep the mind distracted.

The early symphony of soccer was played out, the Nomads indulged in some smooth and effective football with the ball stroked around the pitch with considered practice.  An early free-kick was won, the Laird defended in a pack and were unlucky not to make the most of a potentially perilous break.  As the hosts continued to push the ball around the opposing team got to grips with the task at hand with a midfield muddle seeing the No 9 (Joshua Donnelly) produce a delectable flick that released No 10 (Luke Blondel) who could only hammer the ball over the horizontal.  The Laird now advanced once more, a free-kick in their own half saw Donnelly released and in a rather testing position.  No 4 (Ryan Eiselt) read the danger and put in a tackle that was straight out of the drawer of defending excellence.  Now the response began, No 6 (Ashley Crank) led the way with a long ball that set the alarm bells ringing for the travelling pack.  The move progressed, No 9 (Ashley Stott) finalised matters with a hoofing that, once again, like the brassierre of Mo Moreland of Roly Poly fame, had too much uplift.

Again, the home unit indulged in some lovely possession play with their No 3 (Jake Wright) an industrious unit at the back and straining his scrotum to keep the momentum going.  Cammell Laird were being forced to work up a sweat, this they did and had two half chances but shots from Donnelly and Blondel could only find the meat of the waiting keeper's carcass.  The hosts won a corner next, all heads were scalped but no serious contact was made and then No 11 (Kyle Foley) chanced his shank with the ball still refusing to stay below the bar.  From a free-kick another shot hit the Heavens and then Stott sent a thumper into the gently misted night - was the globe filled with helium or were the Satanic Circle of the the Lunatic Laird casting their nefarious spells again - I remained highly dubious.

The last staggerings of a captivating first half came, we were rewarded with a stalemate that seemed tighter than the lock on Ena Sharples' Chastity Belt - there was no way through to the hidden realms of success, penetration was snubbed, a half-time breather was needed to reconsider matters.  My advice would be to contact Albert Twatlock via a greased up Ouija Board - the answers to all problems were surely be found...then again!

The break was used to stretch the shanks, ingest some warm liquid and chomp on a Mars Bar - The Undertones were right, the choccy picked me and Stu up no end.

The follow-up period began with the home team whizzing like ferrets on the prowl for a flatulent rabbit - they had a scent of success tickling their hooters, I was mighty impressed by the passion shown and equally taken by Cammell Lairds non-stop 'off the ball' work rate.  A free-kick for the hosts was shabby, a flick header on target too weak, the assassins edge was being all too easily blunted, this could be a real problem come the later stages of this close encounter not of the 'turd kind'.

From here, incessant purple waves clashed over a substrate of frosted green and against sturdy rocks of tangerine tones.  Hooves swung, leather was clattered, the erosion process was denied as the travelling defending boulders refused to buckle.  Foley found space, the release was neither a cross nor a shot and then The Laird's No 6 (Paul Bathgate) cracked in a dig, again that target zone couldn't be found.  

Substitutes came each way, it was going to take something outrageous, unexpected and rather unpredictable to scar the scoresheet, and that is just what we got moments later when the Cammell replacement, No 16 (Cameron McGregor) found the ball at his feet approximately 32.5 yards from goal (we had a touchline debate, this was the figure agreed on, we are not just football fans we are anally retentive too).  The home No 1 (Aaron Tyrer) was seen to be roaming, the ball was booted first time, went up, hovered and dropped into the awaiting net with assisted groans from one dug out and shouts of triumph from the other.  It was a wonderful strike, it was a kick in the glowing globes for the hosts - shit happens, we now entered the home stretch with the whole design of the game changed.

The wind down saw a visiting player sent off for time wasting, a real bout of in-box madness arise in the Cammell Laird box with a concoction of swinging shanks all looking to make contact, in some cases seeking a net-rippler, in others trying to deny a late equalising insult.  As it turned out the team with the upperhand survived to the final whistle albeit somewhat on the ropes!

And so, a moment of inspiration separated these two sides who got stuck in, remained disciplined and created a match that was one for the connoiseurs.  I enjoyed it, several strong stints were had amid the 22 labouring bods but man of the Match for me goes to Cammell Lairds No 6 (Paul Bathgate) who was a frenetic workhorse in the middle of the park, never allowing his opponents to settle, enthusing his comrades and forever in the mix when it mattered - a tireless performance from a night when great energy was expended - phew!  

FINAL THOUGHT - And so, the tightly clenched sphincter was forced to give way via an ingenious moment that was akin to a finger up the arse on a night when a blank was looking to be drawn.  Cammell Laird 1907 must be applauded for their dedication to the cause, for times when the ball was chased here and there with little success and for being highly protective of the clean sheet they very much deserved. The smash and grab goal was perhaps due reward for the incessant effort and the steaming desire to make this one a real close shave for all concerned.  Cheadle Heath Nomads need to take stock of their progress so far and be real proud of where they were a few seasons back and where they are now.  The football at times tonight was bang on the mark and if the apex of the assaults was on form then this game could have been an entirely different matter.  The work on the ball and the passing was of an admirable standard, for me, the only flaw in the fluent machine is in the final third when off the ball movement is perhaps not what it should be thus limiting options for the player in possession.  Tonight, with the play made and the effort thrown in they should have bagged a couple of goals, the fact they didn't is a cause for concern which cost them dear - I am sure this will be corrected and there is still great promise left in the current campaign.