Sunday, 8 December 2019

RESERVOIRS OF DEFIANCE

7th December 2019 - Penistone Church FC 0 v 0 Handsworth FC - Another trip to Yorkshire for the start of the weekend, we'll be getting a bad reputation if we don't watch it.  Today we spent 4 hours roaming around Scout Dike (sounds like a very dubious career to me) and Royd Moor Reservoirs - it was a fresh and frisky do with 527 birds of 32 species counted and 33 species of fungi noted.  A Brown Hare and a few Galls and Lichens were added to the list and I only piddled outdoors 3 times.  We arrived at the ground too early to enter so had a lunch of Revels and Satsumas with a couple of games of 'Who Want's To Be A Millionaire' played on my good lady's phone - I didn't know Mickey Rooney had 3 anal openings and that Zsa Zsa Gabor was once married to Enoch Powell - the mind boggles, she must have had a thing for swastika's on the buttocks - the silly old bag!  Eventually we entered the home of the Penis and hoped to be celebrating with many seeds of success as well as a few goals.  First port of call was the warming confines of the clubhouse where we indulged in some chips and tea, caught up with the club twitterer and a fellow punk promoter from near Dewsbury - both lovely blokes and helping us feel settled at a new ground for us.  Eventually we had to head out into the bracing wind, picked a spot, changed our minds and settled for an area that was slightly shielded from the invasive tendrils of the wintry puffer.  On paper, a home win looked guaranteed but, this is non-league football, only a fool would part with his hard earned cash and place a wager, mind you, only a fool would place his dongler in a plug socket in the hope of increasing his virility and I do know a few wayward rapscallions that have done just that - I'll stick with the asparagus tips and rectal onions thank you very much.

And to the game!

The early feeling out process was akin to a visit to a dubious Doctor which saw both teams exploring each others set-up and making their initial assessment before going for some invasive treatment. An early yellow card kept things on the right side of that deemed 'fair' although the tackle lacked spite and was merely a mistimed moment due to over-enthusiasm.  During the early period Handsworth were defying their lowly position and shading the exchanges with their No 7 (Ehsan Mohammed) providing one or two neat touches.  The Penistone Pack however produced the first hint of threat with No 11 (Andy Ring) making a great move and pass that saw No 9 (Nathan Keightley) receive and provide a low neat cross that No 10 (Shaun Mundy) simply had to bury from a couple of feet out.  The keeper dropped like a sack of gravity defying dumplings (well we are in Yorkshire) and put in a solid save.  The corner came, Ring rose, the keeper fisted, the danger passed which was quite unexpected as the last time I used 'ring' and 'fisted' in the same sentence I ended up before the judge of decency. 

A corner for Penistone followed, the delivery was sharp, the near post flick header by Ring was off-line and from here the guest team dug in and really put up a fight with the odd corner and free-kick holding potential but just lacking that killer investment.  The next assault on a netted danger zone came via the hosts, Ring showed great intelligence, a choice lay off saw a colleague cross, the guest keeper was alert once more and gathered with little fuss.  A long ball came for Handsworth, No 6 (Josh Dacre) gathered and lashed without hesitation.  The home No 2 (Tom Charlesworth) reacted to the red light warning and produced an exemplary tackle that helped quell some obvious rising peril.  Handsworth however were on a roll, they advanced once more, a free-kick was well-deserved but clattered into the stubborn wall.  The loose ball was returned with interest, the horizontal was hammered, this was becoming a very absorbing contest.

Touch and go things remained, the Church progressed, Mundy was in the mix, havoc briefly reared it's mischievous head but the guests remained stolid and by hook or crook, refused to buckle.  From here both defensives dictated with Penistone striving for ultimate penetration but falling short at the apical moment.  Handsworth continued to battle well but just lacked the critical end decision and necessary sharp surge.  As the half wound down it started to appear that the home team had cracked their opponents code and as we headed for a half-time break one expected a breakthrough to come soon after the restart.

The break was brief, a brew was a gratifying thermal treat to victim's of the meteorological ill-will, the inner confines were briefly warmed, the flesh however was far from sated, perhaps a goal or two would suffice. 

Half-two, a new viewing point, some more Revels were digested to feed the soccer soul, Penistone flew swiftly, a corner was the opening reward, the near post header went wide - oh bugger.  Handsworth raced down the other end, No 11 (Grant Marley) exhibited mercurial feet that won a corner from which the same player boomed over.  Penistone counterpunched, a cross-ball saw Ring poke to Mundy, the shot was pressured by the gloved guardian, the outcome was another effort off target.  Handsworth tried to break, the host No 4 (Ash Ellis) put in a resounding tackle, went on a drive and released. The keeper was asked a question, his hand-assisted answer was up to the mark, a corner was conceded.   The ball from the angle was delivered, the lofty No 6 (Brett Lovell) put dome on leather, again the keeper was 100% reliable.

As we progressed deeper into the dingly-dell of these wintry goings-on I did wonder where the first goal would spring from.  Penistone nearly gave a sound reply when a breakaway saw Ring put in another choice touch, Mundy deliver and Keightley pop up to slap home.  The striker was inches out, how he knocked it over left one ball-boy claiming to be 'speechless' - I think that kind of summed up the feelings of the many.  Straight down the other end of the park we went, Mohammed was wriggling away like a worm on a hotplate, he was being closely marshalled but still managed to get a shot away - alas it was laden with uplift and went over the bar.

Handsworth, to their credit, were still in this and had a sound period of possession and attacking enterprise but their opponents remained a watertight unit and in a Scrooge-esque manner, gave very little away.  Eventually the home team doused the opposing fires, came on and won another gratis gift on the edge of the box.  The ball entered the push and shove fray, Lovell's cranium was called into action and thumped the ball against the bar, it was a good job the ball didn't go into the net as an infringement had been seen by the kestrel-eyed official - now that would have been controversial!

Shots now came each way, none had true direction or clinical accuracy with any attacking players given very little in the way of space and time to fully set their sights.  The final throes were hectic, the battling from both packs noteworthy but, defiance was the key ingredient and come what may, no team was prepared to give an inch with all components giving their all and making for a fascinating goalless draw.  The referee eventually called a halt, we were all left impressed by the resolute rigidity of two mighty stubborn units.  Out of the mix I chose Handsworth's No 5 (Alex Varley) for the Man of the Match, who stood tall, marked with efficiency, was vocally enthusiastic throughout and who didn't mind doing the dirty work when required and putting in a real sinew stretching and muscle mangling stint - I like heads down grafters!


FINAL THOUGHT - A fine visit to a new ground this with a welcoming atmosphere and some real keen support proffered without being nasty, vulgar and blindly idiotic.  The away team came today with a game plan that had much thought and, in truth, they could easily have snatched all 3 points with a little luck in the nap of the dampened green.  They were very disciplined in the rear, battling at the fore and for me, the only thing lacking in today's performance was that finishing touch, that laser strike on target with focused power.  The team, on this evidence, should rise higher in the league, I am hoping when we visit they are battling just as hard and showcasing many fine efforts.  Penistone Church played efficiently today and had 3 glaring chances that should have been buried to keep up the teams fantastic momentum.  As per, they were as tight as Franny Lee's underpants at the back, as keen to flow forth as the urinal stream of George Best after a serious bender and as cute on the ball as a testicle dancing Betty Boop.  They are worthy of their place in the mix but have some raring teams hot on their tail which will undoubtedly make for a thrilling second half to the season.  We will hopefully catch a bit more of this White Rose football before the campaign is out and partake of a little more Penis based hoofing within the folds of our roaming efforts - so far, despite no goals today, I have seen no reasons why not to!

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