WITHIN THE WEAVE OF THE WEATHER

15th January 2020 - Irlam FC 4 v 1 Maine Road - I have a confession to make, it may shock you, it may come as no surprise but the truth of matter is - 'I have a friend who has been bummed by John Kettley the Weatherman'.  There, I have revealed all, I am ashamed on behalf of my good pal but I take all the blame. I knew full well I was risking the sanctity of his ring when I encouraged him to indulge in a meteorological tumble that John promised would result in pure sexual zeniths and a change in the inclemency of our erratic climactic conditions that, in turn, would result in all future Non-League fixtures never being postponed again. Oh what a fiendish imp of the anus the weatherman is, oh what wretched agonies I go through every time I see a game fall victim to rain, wind, frost and snow and see my good friend walk with an open, awkward gait exposing a grimace on his face every time he sits down in haste.  I am the eternal guilty man who sacrificed comradeship for the love of this pure DIY game, I am the retailer of rectums who still falls victim to postponements what can one do?  But, looking on the bright side rather than the shite side, I have another game to report on here on and my bottom is all in tact, I have no real complaints and sitting down is a pleasure rather than a painful reminder of a devious butt-cheek pounding!

After some heavy downpours the previous day and many postponements, a check of the forecasting services was needed today. The crossing of the fingers was a must, we were blessed with good fortune and found a game to attend in the midst of another bleak January week.  My aforementioned chum was refusing to join me after a recent undercarriage operation that left him having to spend a couple of weeks lying on his side (I am so sorry my good man) so, I was left to stand on the touchline and view the chosen game with my good lady and a couple of other zealous 'erberts.  Both teams were as keen as ever to turn a dark night into something positive, my chocolate coins were on the hosts to run out winners, what actually happened was as thus:-

Both teams, as expected, began the game by moving the ball sharply over the glistening green with the hosts having perhaps the territorial advantage.  An early free-kick was won and the pop by No 5 (Dylan Allan-Meredith) was not far off the mark and an early warning for the ever-animated Maine Road unit.  As the visiting team warmed to the evening's task they started to play many dissecting thru-balls that, on several occasions, almost sliced the opposing defence in half and met the feet of the awaiting frontmen.  Irlam stood firm though and through hard graft built the next onslaught that saw No 9 (Jordan Southworth) have the final dig that the keeper did well to block with his quickly sprawled framework.  The resultant corner produced nowt but soon after, from another angled hoof, No 2 (Jack Lever) was just denied a shooting chance before No 8 (Callum Nicholas) had a little more time and blasted one...wide.

The Mitchells now increased the stranglehold, the visiting keeper was fortunate to survive a scare when kicking the ball against an incoming player and gratefully receiving the deflection right back into his gloved mitts.  Southworth who was the provider of the rebound and had a cracking shot moments later with the upright left in a state of quivering agitation.  Maine Road were riding some serious luck and yet remained under a very severe cosh from a team whose peckers where now definitely up.  Another corner came, the keeper palmed behind.  From the opposite angle the ball was re-delivered, the mittman now punched with a cross coming straight back that Allan-Meredith received.  A shot was instantaneous, the inside of the vertical was walloped, the ball rolled across the face of goal and was eventually cleared - two words sprang to mind to describe the Maine Road's stance - 'lucky' and 'bastards' - I think that about summed things up.

Despite riding the uncertain ass of fortune Road were still humping and pumping with good endeavour and won a couple of potentially promising free-kicks that alas gave birth to sweet bugger all.  From the midst of another rearguard bout of defiance Road's No 3 (Paul Earlam) went on a run of tantalising and effective proportions with his weaving ways covering good ground and making for a threat that was just snuffed out at the last.  Again the guests came, a delicious threaded ball found No 8 (Ben Mooney) who took one touch and side-footed towards goal.  The home keeper, who had had little to do during this first segment of cup action, was alert and up to answer the question asked, nice save fella. 

To the latter end of the opening 45 minutes and Irlam cultivated a few last pushes.  A choice cross saw No 11 (John Main) look set to strike but no contact on the globe was made and then Allan-Meredith sent in a bollock-blistering belter that flew mere inches wide.  No 10 (Jordan Icely) had a final crack, again the charmed goal remained unpenetrated and after a few end to end flurries we entered the break bare of strikes.

We stayed put for half-time and chewed the cud with John D and Mark Bennett, 2 fine gents who were enjoying this non-league lark and even verbally wandering into discussing realms of baseball and the best way to cook pickled pigs testicles.  I have a tale to tell about a buttered baseball bat and the love-globes of a Hog, I would love to relate it here but until the magistrate grants me freedom of speech again I will have to refrain - darn that Sarah Fergusson and her insistence that I was misinformed about her talking rectum.

And back to the game, the restart was lively, No 7 (Marcus Perry) for Irlam was nearly in but the keeper showed swift awareness and at the other end Mooney had a middling pop that went straight into the mitter's awaiting arms.  The Road looked to roar forth next, a surge saw No 5 (Louis Edwards) released only to round the keeper and see the ball escape his eager feet due to too much rotational impetus - it was a chance...almost.

Both teams continued to play 'on the deck' football, it was an applaudable mode of operations that was making for a fine competition - all we needed now was a goal.  As we flowed further into the game Irlam defied an attack, sprung like a Trapdoor Spider on a passing beetle and played a long ball that caused total confusion for the defending pack.  The keeper came, a rear bod hesitated, the keeper looked lost, Perry for Irlam gratefully received and rolled the ball home to snatch the all important opening goal in the most ludicrous of fashions.  The Road looked shell-shocked and when Main for the hosts bent one to the top corner they seemed more than a little relieved to see the globe just have a little too much elevation. From here we went straight down the other end of the pitch via a long hoof.  The keeper collected, deciding to indulge in a spot of pissing about, duly lost possession and saw No 9 (Jack Coop) step up to grab an equaliser of 'You've Been Framed' standards.  Betty Bloop had exposed her dumplings of disaster, would she be brave enough to expose her undercarriage of success - ooh and on such a cold night too.

The game now became hectic, a handball claim was had for the hosts, the referee was having none of it, Coop for the guests was threaded through and denied by a last ditch tackle and then after more dawdling in defence by Irlam a drilled shot came that the No 1 (Lee White) did mighty well to save.  As things went back and forth quicker than the pendulous gonads of a star-jumping Orangutan Irlam advanced with No 15 (Mwiya Malumo) the apical component and dashing towards goal.  The player remained composed despite persistent marking, he made an inch of space, eyed a snippet of goal and with a cute flick of the foot put the ball beyond the keepers reach.  It was a quality soaked strike, the sign of a quick-thinking player, the indication of a live-wire danger to keep an eye on.  Seconds after the re-start and the same hungry bod nearly doubled his tally with a tasty strike that just failed to drop below the bar - now that would have been just greedy.

The visiting team were now calling on the reserve tanks of fuel, a lovely ball found No 2 (Ryan Smith) who displayed some neat feet but failed to pull the trigger when the chance was had.  Soon after the same player was clattered whilst carrying out some defensive work, Irlam played on, a ball was provided that tempted the keeper, he lunged for the ball and collided with a poaching frontman, the outcome - penalty!  After a short delay No 6 (Karl Cassell) stepped up and stroked the ball home with little fuss, somehow, after such a close encounter the scoreline was now 3 - 1.

With only a few minutes left on the clock Irlam remained in control and won a corner from nothing.  With seconds to go the ball entered the box, Cassell rose and nutted home to complete his brace and finalise an end result that failed to tell the whole tale of what went on.   The referee blew his oral organ (now legal I hear) and I was left to consider the Man of the Match which I duly did and gave the nod to Irlam's hard-working, highly competitive but always fair and veritable 'Mrs Mop' No 3 (Sam Bolton).  He cleaned up matters when required and played with a solid head down focus, I think he deserved the nod given.

After farewells we pootled off home, I noted that the aforementioned John D was giving Mark Bennett a lift home - I suspect there may be babies on the way or is my wicked imagination being a little too off kilter?  Either way, if one of the gents ends up tubbed up, I hope the birthing process is an easy one, there is nothing worse than having a sprog pop out of your oriental eye!

FINAL THOUGHT - 2 good teams were on show tonight, 2 teams who persist in playing the game the right way and 2 teams who always give good value for money and a fine account of themselves.  The end result, on paper, was cruel and kind with the losing side worthy of a more generous outcome and Irlam worthy of the win but perhaps not in such a suggestive manner.   Of late Maine Road have been holding more than their own and making good strides in the First Division South and, I hope will continue to pick up points and maybe finish in the top 6 before the campaign is done.  A tough ask but when the team are on it, they are a match for anyone in the division.  Irlam have just come through a horrible spell after riding high in the upper reaches of the premier league.  They are now sitting in 7th position, 11 points behind the automatic promotion slots with many good teams in the mix.  I think a move up is a long shot now but one never knows.   Again, when on their A game, they can compete with the best, it is now a question of consistency and some good old fashioned luck.  In the meantime though, the team are still in this Manchester Premier Cup and will now play FC United away in the semi-finals.  They will make a few bob out of that contest and will go in as underdogs, write them off at your peril and let us see what transpires - you never know, their name could be on the trophy and a real upset on the cards - here's hoping!