HEY DE HEY

21st February 2020 - Denton Town 1 v 3 Heyside FC - The working week was done, my tits were aggravated by the permanently grotty weather and the fact that I was constantly cycling to and from work looking like a mud-splattered destitute.  I had had another cold, my joints were aching and my temperament was akin to that of a tortoise stuck on its back whilst a rectal bot-fly incessantly jabbed at the exposed posterior.  I grumpily rode home, had a bowl of pasta for tea and a Strawberry Split Lolly.  I exercised whilst watching Hi-De-Hi and wondering if Fred Quilley had ever been in prison for Equine crimes.  My good lady soon joined me, she is the eternal tonic to pick up the spirits of this cantankerous struggler and before long I felt a little more chipper and danced around like Peggy Ollerenshaw on acid (don't tell Miss Cathcart).  We got ready and headed out into the weather I have poetically labelled as 'ruddy shit' and arrived at the ground of Hyde United after gliding along the dampened roadways.  Tonight was the night of the Saturday Amateur Cup Final with one of my favourite sides playing a unit I had not seen before.  We purchased chips and tea,  and made our predictions.  I went for 7 - 0 to Denton Town with Denton Dave Starkey having a touchline breakdown due to the overwhelming shock and after the game devoting the rest of his life to naked Buddhism.  My wide Gill was more conservative and went for a 3 - 1 win for Heyside - we shall see!   Seats were eventually taken, pills of sanity popped and I amended my choice of outcome to a 1 - 1 draw with Denton winning on pens and Mr Starkey sticking to his strict Pagan beliefs and enjoying the odd roast-baby pie.

At 7.45pm the teams were in position and the central sable-clad official discordantly pronounced that the game was afoot - here we go again folks, ooh the excitement of it all.

The first attack came soon after the kick-off, it was a mid-paced sortie with Denton the cultivators.  A cross came, No 9 (Jake Massey) flew in like a seagull on a dropped hotdog and was just denied at the near post.  A corner came, No 2 (Yannick Le Gal) was waiting at the back post but his belfry-based touch was utterly ineffective and the ball dropped behind for a goal kick.  Things remained relatively quiet from here with the only suggestion of excitement coming when The Town's No 11 (Michael Bennett) went on a mission and saw the ball fall to No 6 (Lewis Cooper) whose shot went straight at the awaiting keeper.  

Heyside eventually got to grips with the flow, they won 3 corners on the bounce - the first ended in a deflected shot, the second was defended by an awaiting noggin and the third pinged straight off the horizontal.  It was hardly edge of the seat stuff, unlike the time when Yvonne and Barry Hargreaves indulged in a nude Bossonova-based dance complete with dangling anal ganzas.

The match continued in a drudging style with Denton stuttering and Heyside sputtering and the rain coming down with utter unrelenting spite.  And then, from out of the dark, bleak wankery No 11 (Mark Hopwood) for Heyside was away.  The opposing mitter was off his line and duly back-pedalled, the striker advanced and the man with the gloves slipped on his arse.  The chance to open the scoring was here and when the shank was swung it seemed the net was surely to bulge.  Not so, the keeper, having regained his footing somehow managed to make the save - it seemed a veritable life-saving moment.  The corner came, I think everyone expected little when up rose the HS No 8 (Jordan Schofield) and in an unchallenged position nutted the ball into the meshing.  It was just what the game needed.

Now there was life in the ticker of that there game...  Heyside came once more, the ball eventually fell to the galloping feet of No 2 (Gareth Hill) who, under extreme hassle, lost the ball for a goal kick - Denton Town were certainly living on the cusp.  The half wound down with little else to report and with an aching chuff and a full-bladder we deemed it time to move to the other side of the ground and view the second 45 minute spell.

With golden liquid expelled in latrines smelling like an elephant's dung-heap we pootled through the awful rain to the shelter of the opposing viewing point.   We were hoping that the second half would be a more gratifying spectacle, if not then my next urine passing session may be done on the pitch - one can only take so much don't ya know!

A lively start to half two was highly welcomed, the conditions were as pleasant as one of Mr Partridge's morning farts after a night on the lash - ooh very nasty.  From a Heyside free-kick a stunning ball was posted that No 5 (Josh Briddon) latched onto and touched just wide of the upright - now that would have been some start.  In return Bennett for the DT squad continued to bust a gut in the earnest attempt of getting the game back to all-square.  From a trifling moment of Denton action Heyside attacked, Hill darted, laid the ball off and watched a further pass fall to No 9 (Adam Dale) who neatly collected and buried with little fuss - it was a tidy goal, it was a kick in the globes for the trailing team.

The leading lads now began to express themselves and moved the ball around with far more confidence than previously shown.  Denton hung in, had an attack that saw a rapid cross get nailed in the net only to be waved offside by a very eager liner - it was just one of those nights it seemed.  The out-of-luck squad came once more, a sweet ball entered the box and looked to be heading into the net but No 4 (Mark Ashworth) was there to clear at the last and keep the HS scoresheet clean.  

The last 15 minutes soon came, the team in front won a free-kick after their troublesome No 12 (Matty Williams) was tumbled.  The Town's defenders did enough, a break came and a free-kick earned - alas it was hoofed straight into the wall, this was just not good enough.  A corner came the same way, again the defending Ashworth was in the right spot at the right time.  The ball was redelivered, this time No 3 (Gary Molyneux) nutted clear at the last, it seemed there was there no way through for the driving Town?

The closing stages were industrious, the thermal temperature of the game now grew, it became slightly heated, almost like certain unmentionable parts of Gladys Pugh when in close contact with Geoffery Fairbrother (I really do need to get out more).  No 9 (Jake Massey) for The Town connected with a strong cross but could only fracture the Heavens.  The opposing ranks responded and progressed with purpose, a simple ball was played to No 15 (Chris Rodgers) who indulged in some cool control and stroked home - 3 - 0 and thank you, game done.

There was now little time left, a couple of minutes at most.  Denton Town tried for a consolation with a long ball dropping to No 15 (Jake Phelan) who had one look, a second look and duly glided the ball into the bottom corner - nice.  The game ended with this lovely strike but it was all too late and Heyside had thoroughly deserved their victory.  We pootled around the ground and watched the squad lift the cup and my personal choice for Man of the Match was the winning team's No 4 (Mark Ashworth) who was just a rock in the rear and a player who kept a consistency and calmness throughout and made sure that the opposing ranks were kept at bay.  To be fair the whole back line was impressive but this chap just shaded matters and got the nod - not a bad night's work at all.

FINAL THOUGHT - As per, with these football finals, the game started with hesitation the dictator and liquidity lacking.  Eventually both teams got flowing with Heyside always showing greater hunger, a sharper edge and a larger range of options (unlike the breakfasts at Maplins - chips and egg, egg and chips or just chips).  Denton did display a certain stubbornness but when moving forward lacked a pacey punch, failed to offer swift support and just seemed to be void of that killer instinct - it is an area that needs desperate work, perhaps a little more width would be the remedy - who knows but whatever, I shall be on a touchline soon watching them indulge in the hoofing game again.  Heyside started poorly but improved all the while and eventually played some good football and got the goals they deserved.  As said, at the back they are as tight as Joe Maplin's cheque book and when in the mood played some quick-thinking football when going forth.  These precious cup wins can give a team untold confidence and from here who knows where they may end up - you never know - that elusive Knobbly Knees Contest of ye olde Patella Town may be next up or in fact...promotion!