18th February 2020 - Wythenshawe Town 5 v 0 Cheadle Heath Nomads - Within the deluge of force fed shit, celebrity fuck-wits, hero worship, floods, detachment and apathy I find myself floating along on the sinking ship SS Fungal and wondering what the fuck I am doing. The key though is 'doing' and so with moth-eaten sails billowing, leaks aplenty and the dreaded worm nibbling the timbers onwards things go - this way, that way and anyway way except the right one. Today was busy at work, I kept on top of things by listening to some emotively charged music and arrived home ready to roll. A quick tea, some catching up and then the good lady joined me and after a chew of the cud we set out in dire conditions to make our way to the not too distant ground of Wythenshawe Town. STP Stu was joining us again and after catching up with many faces and slurping a warming brew we chose our viewing situations. Teamsheets were provided by the Cheadle Heath Club Secretary, the ever-amiable Nev Pearson, a man forever smiling despite having 8 nipples and a rubber left buttock. These might not sound serious complaints but try telling that to Octo-Pap Nev when he is over-lactating, the local tit-predator is knocking on his door and his chuff is smouldering after sitting too close to the 3 bar 'lecky' fire - tis a hard life at times.
So, in position, predictions made, (I was going for a 3 - 1 home win, Stu a 2 - 2 draw, Nev chipped in and went for 12 - 0 win to Wythy with one of the midfield players abandoning the match halfway through and going to the local sex-change hospital for a tin-pot boob job and a cut-price nip and tuck - a bold prediction if ever I heard one). The teams eventually spilled onto the pitch, we were all agog and despite a pervasive chill nipping at the phalanges I managed to scribble the following observations.
The opening sequence saw a quite competitive spectacle with both teams huffing and puffing with equal desire. If anything, the Nomads were just shading matters but at the apical part of each move were just lacking that incisive touch. A sweet ball from No 5 (Ashley Crank) saw the guests mount some pressure that looked hopeful but was eventually undone by some quite abysmal passing. A Wythenshawe corner was the surprising outcome, Nomads stood firm but remained under pressure. No 10 (Steven Yarwood) was in possession of the ball out wide and delivered a cross to the back post that No 11 (Matthew Bryan) nutted home with relative comfort. Did you ever have the feeling this was going to be a real long night for the travelling pack?
The game continued. Cheadle lacked any pattern and struggled to make any serious impression. Wythenshawe were playing with obvious composure and control and looked mighty settled as a unit. Another home attack soon came, Yarwood was the supplier to Bryan who hammered it low across goal for No 9 (Liam Crellin-Myers) to tap home and double the lead. Now, now - surely this wasn't in the Nomadic script!
This was not looking good as regards a contest, one team were flying, the other trying, there was a huge difference. Again the hosts flew the flank, a ball in saw Yarwood have time to settle and shoot. The shot came, it was well struck, the guest No 1 (Aaron Tyrer) produced a save of exceptional quality and gave his team some semblance of hope. The hosts were irresistible, a superb ball came, No 7 (Brad Byrne) and No 3 (Jerome Wright) indulged in some liquid link up play, the latter player beat his marker, evaded the keeper and slotted home to finalise the best goal so far - kaboom.
It would be nice to say that at this point Cheadle Heath Nomads dug deep and made a comeback, it would be equally gratifying to say that the blue tide was halted and we were able to witness a game of more balanced proportions - alas it wasn't to be. The Town pressed again, Yarwood was given space to have a pop, the result was just off target and then No 2 (Dominic Smalley) popped up at close range to put in a header that the keeper just managed to fumble away. A corner followed, Byrne had a punt that was scooped over before a period of midfield fuss ensued. From the midst of the mither Town's Smalley was allowed to dash forth (not for the first time may I add) and have a shot from the angle that was too close for comfort.
The last gasps of a severely skewed half, a sugar sweet ball for the Town came, Bryan was away and chipped the mitter, the ball went wide but the same player was soon away again and firing with fervour. This time the keeper was in the way and after one final crack from Yarwood the half was done - by heck what a whooping that was, at the finale The Nomads were rescued, the Town hindered in their forward flow - cripes.
For the break we stayed where we were, had a choccy bar and considered the fiasco witnessed. The game could easily have seen many more Town goals and their opponents receive a one-way ticket to 'Fucked City' - we were hopeful that something closer to parity would ensue.
The second half began, an early dig from Town's No 8 (Jack Timmons) was a warning and clearly stated 'we ain't finished yet'. The guests however were battling and getting stuck in to all 50/50 balls and striving with severe might to get a sniff of something promising. As the game pressed on, and the aforementioned Nev was seen to be wet-nursing 7 sprogs and leaving one nipple in reserve, the trailing pack had a good session of playing doctor with lots of prodding and poking taking place. Alas Wythenshawe Town were not willing to recline and be put under any lasting examination and it wasn't long before their trousers were hitched up and they were having a good old probe themselves (ooh me sphincter). Suddenly a move with extreme purpose came and a free-kick won. Yarwood executed a quite mouth-watering chip pass, Byrne raced in, walloped home and that was indeed that for all those hoping for a comeback.
The pen raced across the paper, touchline treatment was given to those who had predicted a Cheadle Heath Nomads win and several over-zealous Wythy fans needed certain parts of their anatomy draining due to over-excitement. No sooner had I finished my latest scribblings than Crellin-Myers was racing in only to be tumbled by an advancing keeper. A yellow card was issued, a penalty awarded and Byrne slapped home with little fuss.
The final gallop to the pea-wobbling closure saw little change in proceedings. The Nomad's No 9 (Richard Tindall) had a snap shot whistle wide, Crank had a free-kick pushed away and a couple of bookings were thrown-in. The hosts took the foot off the gas and confirmed a resounding victory that could, on a night with a little more fortune, have resulted in a double-figure haul - it really was that convincing. Upon the final shrill of the man in black's oral device I pondered the Man of the Match and opted for Wythenshawe Town's No 10 (Steven Yarwood) who was urgent, quick-thinking, willing and thoroughly creative throughout thus offering his team many options and cultivating many opportunities - in truth though the choice could have been one of several blue clad players.
FINAL THOUGHT - There is little to add at this point that could really change the pattern of the tale already told - Cheadle Heath Nomads were really as bad as the previous textual dabblings state and Wythenshawe Town were bang on it. For me, the guests have lost the plot and are not playing as a team, are quick to get on each other's cases and seem to be lacking pace in many areas. They had a wonderful run mid season and then, things fell apart and despite the odd capricious win they are in need of a real shake up. If one cares to look at the recent NWCFL form table one will see Wythenshawe Town sitting on top and Cheadle Heath Nomads wallowing in 16th position - tonight we saw the reasons why! All is not over, I have faith, I am also on mind-altering drugs, but by heck, some serious backroom work needs to be done. Wythenshawe Town are on a roll, they are a darn good side and will undoubtedly move up to the next level. They play as a pack, pass with pace, have a forward thinking mentality and always seem to have an abundance of options. All is going well at the moment and the camp seems to be in a healthy place. Questions will be asked during the latter end of the season and at the higher level, then we can really see how good this lot are. So far there is little to criticise but tonight they did have things a little too easy to judge - I have no doubt I will be seeing this lot a few more times before the season is done but so far, so ruddy good.
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