26th September 2020 - Ashton Athletic Reserves 1 v 2 Denton Town - The withered buttocks of Father Time had been pulled apart, another life devouring emission of impatience had been expelled and suddenly a further 7 day spell had been confined to the ranks of 'history'. It had been another busy one, 3 days of work, 2 fungal walks led, 2 footy friendlies attended and more natural history tasks dealt with. Today I woke early, glazed and dazed by the mithering maulers of a common cold (yes, just a cold, not Covid, not cranial pox and certainly not an attack of Dick-Damaging Dengue). I used the morn to tidy up some loose ends (as well as the house), eat some uplifting scram and prepare for a trip to Brocstedes Park, with of course, my fine lady. After a midday meal we duly set off, nearly 50 minutes later we had arrived and there, as if by magic (or other sinister sources) was our friend STP Stu, a man keen and enjoying his Non-League nutrients. Prior to the kick-off we nattered, caught up with a few faces, acquired teamsheets and then considered the outcome. The cards were revealed, for now I shall keep them close to my freshly plucked chest (now now ladies) but come the end I will reveal all. I needed a good goal fest today, a streaking fat-man would be a bonus (especially if he had a U-bend in his nob and a see-through scrotum) but as long as the match was fair, competitive and played in the right spirit I would have no complaints. If you are now sat comfortably, perhaps hoping for some descriptive text of the aforementioned overly large nude invader then I hope I can deliver the goods, if not I do apologise and am willing to send out some back issues of 'Obese Orifices' as recompense - let's see how things go shall we.
The clock struck three, there was a tremble of a pea and a ball got rolling to entertain you and me (The Non League Song by Martin Chivers 1979). The first battalion to make any suggestion of threat was the away side with No 8 (Aaron Clayton) producing a delightful touch that allowed No 10 (Marcelo Arhin) to gather and make some space for himself. The shot that came was firm and on-line, the home No 1 (Lewis Goulding) however tipped over with athletic assuredness. A corner followed that eventually led to Clayton going on a wriggling run, threading a ball to No 7 (Tom Beswick) who sent forth an effort that was blocked by the aforementioned mitter. A quick Ashton sortie culminated in a corner which, as it transpired, was delivered in the crappest possible way - on we go!
The game tickled on with a nice tempo. No 9 (Joe Sargent) for the hosts nearly snuck in on the blind side when a back pass didn't have enough gumption. Luckily for the Denton dudes the contact made lacked any kinetic energy. The guests gave reply to this sub-scare with a low cross connected with but sent wide and then with a sweet ball that let loose No 9 (Brad McLaughlin) who disappointingly fired into the meat of the keepers physique. In truth, Denton Town could have been 3 up already.
A certain watertight aspect was now gaining a stranglehold on the game with both team's netted area radiating a presence of impermeability. Ashton were remaining patient whilst their opponents were displaying tireless verve. No 11 (Harry Johnson) had a hopeful pop for the hosts but the outcome was shy of the vertical and then the Town No 11 (Harry Rowan) sent in a glorious cross that McLaughlin pounced upon leaving only the keeper to beat. The outcome - the keeper was not beaten - bah.
Onwards we went, Ashton burst forth via the striding No 10 (Dion Johnston) who posted a great ball into the hair-raising zone that Clayton eventually sent goalward only for the uplift to take it just over the bar. Controversy came next as Denton Town's Rowan was clobbered on the line of the box with a penalty seemingly given but then changed to a free-kick. There was some confusion, the nobbled player was taken off and the bonus boot slammed into the wall. The follow-up shot could only rupture the skyline rather than the netting - we remained goal starved.
The wind-down to the break saw the traveller's maintain the ascendancy with the breakthrough nearly had when No 3 (Josh Stachini) trespassed forth, delivered a great cross that Beswick walloped on the volley only for the goalie to sweetly tip over. The corner kick was dealt with, some end to end action followed until the Dent-icians moved forth twice more with each move denied at the last by two outstanding tackles performed by the yellow and blue clad No 5 (Scott Lawrence) and No 4 (Ryan Smith) respectively. One last chance was attempted when a dink pass over the defensive pack was played and Arhin looked to bury - the host keeper though was immovable and made sure we entered the interval void of penetrations.
A brew and choccy was much needed for the break and Stu did the business whilst we mask-less peeps waited outside. I am not keen on this mask-wearing lark due to the last time I donned one I was under the influence of too much QC Sherry, disguised as Donald Duck and duly fell victim to the ravenous sexual appetite of Tinsel Town Tommy the Gay Cavalier of Digbeth. I have never walked the same since and have always had a nervous twitch when feeding wildfowl - ooh it was a wretched time and man, what a magic wand that fellow had.
So with brews and Mars Bars we moved to the opposite side of the pitch and saw the 2nd period unfold with No 16 (Spencer Jenkinson) having an early punt at goal only for the man between the sticks to safely gather. From here a heavy slice of midfield conflict ensued with no breakthrough of any ranks had. The treacle period became more gloopy, I took the opportunity to nip off and direct my One-Eyed Sausage at the nearby shrubbery. Leaving the local worm-hunting thrushes disappointed I zipped up, returned to the touchline and saw a swift Ashton break. No 2 (Louis Pye) worked the flank, a shout of 'play it early' rent the breezy air and the requested quick ball was delivered. In the right place at the right time was No 12 (Jamie Charnock) who lunged, stretched and sent the ball into the back of the meshing - 1 - 0 - what a sickener for the guests, what a relief for the home lads.
Time had now travelled with great haste, Denton needed to get to grips with this setback and do it in double quick time. They were fortunate not to go 2 goals down when a rear cock-up saw Charnock nip in but be denied at the very last by a strong defending tootsie. Corners and free kicks followed, all going the way of the trailing team. Ashton remained as tight as the exchequers purse strings and gave nothing whatsoever away. One Denton corner though nearly bore fruit when the keeper could only palm outward with the ball coming back and dropping loose. The gloved guardian was quick to amend matters though and dropped on the ball quicker than a pelican on a 3 legged crab.
The final huffs and puffs came from a competitive game with the last flicker of life there to be manipulated. Denton were in their own half with No 5 (Harry Welsby) in possession. Suddenly the rearguard bod eyed up the situation, sent forth a pinpoint long ball that fell invitingly to the feet of McLaughlin. The home keeper left his line. McLaughlin stayed cucumber cool and stroked the ball beneath the advancing carcass - the equaliser was had, the goal scorer looked a trifle pleased.
With only a few minutes left Denton seemed to want this one and came on strong. Time appeared to be almost up and with one last effort the Town won a corner. The ball was placed and delivered with speed and a slight swing. No 4 (Elvis Amoakwa) used his spring-loaded ankles to rise above the pack, put belfry on ball and nut home with singular authority - it was a fine header, seconds later it was confirmed as the winning goal - and what a way to do it! The final whistle rang out, Ashton Athletic looked deflated, Denton Town were ecstatic and as we wandered homeward I contemplated the Man of the Match and went for the Ashton Athletic No 1 (Louis Goulding) who produced a string of good saves when his team were on the back foot and who was mighty unfortunate to be on the losing side. A great stint between the sticks, keep at it fella, next time a clean sheet perhaps.
FINAL THOUGHT - A good visit this with a friendly welcome (especial cheers to Chris Picton), grand weather (thanks to Colin Climate, the controller of the clouds) and some good football (thanks to all the players involved. I had a good natter with the referee before the game (what a keen fellow) who had a darn good game and when piddling in the brambles I remained snag-free and returned to the touchline with my foreskin in tact - I would count this as a good day for sure.
Ashton Athletic may have been a little out of sync today, ended the game with sour FA and looked to be beaten by a better team. They will do OK during this campaign due to the undying efforts, pretty stingy defense and continued hard graft - they are surely going to win more games than they lose. They have a few eye-catching players in the mix and for this, and several other reasons, I am going to make sure I see them a few more times this season and hope they keep on doing what they do. Denton Town are a fairly local side to me, they have been a total disappointment this season but this could well be the turning point. They are a good team with many fine elements in the mix. Today they showed persistence and played for the full 90 minutes with the outcome being fully deserved. I reckon this could be the start of a good run but let us not get carried away. It won't be every week where they can squander so many opportunities and still pinch the full 3 point prize. They must make the chances and bury them. I reckon if some fine tuning of the shooting boots is had the season will be there for the taking. I reckon Denton will be my most watched side this year - I am expecting to experience many ups and downs, and for a change Tinsel Town Tommy won't be involved - ooh me arse!
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