OOH ME GOOL-IES

19th September 2020 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 3 v 7 Goole FC - The 1st qualifying round of the Buildbase FA Vase today, the start of the famed competition that will see teams from here, there and beyond throw in their all in the hope of lifting this highly prestigious cup.  This was my initial visit of the season proper to this local ground, I was expecting goals, a good cuppa and some nattering, the current climate is putting too many people on edge, this is the time to press on methinks.

Prior to the game I had been pottering around the house as the lasses had been away and were due back later on today.  The last few days I had been a good chap and kept things tidy, done some decorating and general DIY tasks.  I also indulged in a couple of films namely 'Invasion of the Bee Girls' and '20,000,000 Miles To Earth'.  I also read a few X-Men comics, listened to an array of music (The Scabs, The Birds, Eastfield, Dog On A Rope etc) and proof read part of my latest book.  After dinner I got ready and waltzed down to the ProSeal Ground contemplating the match result and wondering if Professor Xavier was a benefit fraud and if Proteus ever considered masturbating instead of causing trouble for the aforementioned super-heroes.  I once tried to join the X-Men but offended the female members of the team with my sonic stinkhorn and failed to convince their male counterparts with my electro-magnetic trembling testicles that could induce numbing blackouts.  The Fantastic Conker Clasher was my chosen heroic name, I had visions of starring in my very own publication facing my arch enemy Rectumulus - the Incredible Anal Overlord - can you imagine Issue One with its very own free scratch and sniff card - Reek-0-Tastic.

And so, without mask or cape, I eventually strolled to the chosen ground, found no need to use my time-altering nipple gun complete with lactating liquid and duly found my viewing point and awaited the action.  I suspected an away win by a few goals, this is what went down.

3pm, the traveling team looked to be filled with lively pips during the initial throes with the hosts having to gallop like buggery to hold their own.  The guests eventually won an early free-kick which was walloped against the wall, re-delivered and nutted off target - it was all irrelevant anyway as an infringement was spotted by the kestrel-eyed official.  The Nomads eventually warmed to the day's task and started to build, and maintain, some applaudable pressure.  2 corners followed, No 8 (Phillip Yuille) put belfry on both.  The first nutted attempt was quelled by a whistle, the second guided wide of the upright.  Goole reacted to these minor scares with a neatly threaded ball that saw No 11 (Nathan Keightley) gather, hold off his marker and crack towards the goal.  The host No 1 (Bruno Da Silva) was down quicker than a fly on a freshly dropped stool. The resultant corner came to nowt and then a long hoof forth saw No 7 (Kieran Herbert) sneak in and toe poke passed the onrushing mitter.  The ball rolled forth, a gasp went up and then a groan, wide of the mark was the outcome.

From here the Nomads kept advancing.  A long ball saw the guest gloved protector palm away.  No 3 (Jack McConnell) was there to gather and take a touch before propelling the globe goalward.  The No 1 (Ethan Cotton) produced a very solid save.  The hosts swept forth once again, like a plague of locusts looking to devour a drift of swaying vegetation.  2 cracks at the onion bag were issued, once again the keeper reacted well and blocked the ball.  More Nomadic pressure brought a free-kick which was leathered into the wall and brought about a handball shout.  The referee was in agreement with the pleading players - spot kick given.  No 9 (Richard Tindall) took the kick, reliably buried and gave his side a well deserved advantage. By heck, this was all go, go, go!

The re-start came, Goole were laden with urgency and No 7 (Anees Younis) played a quite sumptuous low crossball into the box that just needed the assassins touch to make for a perfect counterpunch.  The touch came, it was Keightley who slotted home - an ideal response if ever there was one.  Another re-start followed, this time the Nomads sprung fastest with a throw in earned.  The ball was tossed forth, No 10 (Dean McGregor) took it down, turned and poked home - 2 -1 - the lead was restored, the nib of my pen was glowing white hot, my John Thomas wasn’t much cooler, I do like a good bit of footy!

The half was now winding down, a cheeky chip free-kick for the hosts brought no takers and with only time for one more attack left it was a swift through ball for Goole that released Younis who, on the outside of the box, was duly tumbled by a wandering keeper and given a penalty kick.  The globe was placed on the spot and struck firm and true by No 9 (Regan Waud) - 2 - 2 it was - what a good half this had been.

When the referee blew I had a wander for a brew with Abbey Hey wildman Pete.  This was Pete's first game since lockdown and he was missing the action that was for sure.  It was good to see Pete still had his violent streak and when he cut off a nearby spectators ear with his freshly stropped Wilkinson' I had to say it was just like 'the good old day's'.  Even the guy who had his lug lopped was appreciative and thanked Pete for his generous attack - what a fine Christian fellow.  

So with pie and brew and a very contented Pete, I returned to my original viewing point and awaited half 2 - on the evidence so far Cheadle Heath Nomads were looking favourites - here we go again.

The start to period 2 was swift,  Goole advanced in double quick-time with Waud collecting out wide and allowed to cut inward.  The defending was slack, the striker had only the keeper to beat and this he did with a well-thumped shot that bulged the bag and brought great joy to his comrades but, the question is - how on earth were the Cheadle Heath Nomads losing this game?

With the aforementioned puzzle bouncing around my cranium No 6 (Luke Taylor) for the resident ranks bounded forth, beat 3 players and had his cross annoyingly blocked.  Another attack soon followed, the ball fell to the feet of Yuille who lashed home only to be ultimately frustrated by a flag-waving git on the line.  An infringement had been spotted, what it was I am unsure but this was a real kick in the conkers for a hard-perspiring team trying to get back into this one.

Goole were now looking to cement matters, Younis advanced and wriggled like a plugged in electric nob destined to do some impregnating.  The attempt at penetration came, thankfully the Nomadic defensive sheath stood strong, another goal was not borne.  The hosts were not getting pushed back but looked to be holding their own until the tricky No 10 (Jason Kitchen) forced forward, played the ball to No 8 (Reece Fennel) who brushed the ball homeward with relative ease - was this another insulting nail in the Nomad casket - things were not looking good.

On we went, the home lads were battling but not winning enough 50/50 contests.  On one such clash the ball ran the way of Goole's Waud who teased his marker before finding a glimpse of the goal.  The small sighting was enough to encourage a swing of the shank and the ball flew with enough bend to sweetly find the inside of the far stick.  It was a lovely goal and a great way to complete a decent hat-trick.

From here the trailing squad dug deep.  A fine burst saw a ball enter the box with Taylor rising well and nutting toward the goal.  Once again the keeper did his bit.  Kitchen was the next to have a wander forth for Goole and after a swivel and a swerve sent forth a shot that the home keeper did well to parry.  The loose ball was fired back at the gaping meshing and again the gloved fellow was there - what a great double save.  Alas moments later the man between the sticks was down and then off and with all subs used it was up to Tindall to stand between the uprights and try and keep the deficit down.

As Cheadle battled another counter came with the apical component being Keightley who concocted the right recipe to shoot from the angle and indent the awaiting fishnet rectangle.  This was now getting silly and not a true reflection of how the game had been.  From the kick off the beaten bunch were once again caught on the hop with a crossball coming, the scrambling keeper nudging out and No 5 (Jaden Sandhu) mopping up with relative comfort.  The lucky 7 had been had whilst The Nomads seemed to have to make do with a hurtful brace.  Suddenly, on the precipice of the final whistle the beaten crew had one last roll forward that somehow saw the ball land at the feet of No 12 (Kyle Foley) who got a consolation goal and full stopped the game on a paradoxical lowly high.  The game was called to a halt soon after, my Man of the Match choice went to the Goole No 1 (Ethan Cotton) for a string of saves that came at crucial moments keeping his team in it when the early going was tough.  The rest of the team should buy him a good drink, well done that man.

FINAL THOUGHT - For 35 minutes Cheadle Heath Nomads were the better team and yet were still falling short of taking full advantage of their possession - herein a problem is found.  The visiting keeper held his ground on several occasions and made some good saves but this is no excuse and in truth the team who eventually crumbled should have been going into the break at least 2 goals to the good and so making for a very competitive second half.  The fact they went into the break all square cost them mighty dear.  The key is being brave and committed at the last and offering as many options as possible thus keeping the opposing defence guessing.  When a chance then arises it is utterly crucial it is nailed - the consequences of not doing so are obvious, as seen today.  Goole were kept on the back foot for the main part of the first half but still hung in and for their efforts started the 2nd period on level footing and then really started to turn the screw.  Several players caught the eye today, Kitchen looked especially cultured, Waud was a cool finisher and Younis looked a perpetual pain in the proverbials.  Good luck to them in the next round, they deserved this win for sure.

So day done, in full sun and with good company, next stop Irlam methinks for a friendly, another 10 goals would be grand, and hopefully prior to the match, I will find out if my application to join The Avengers has been accepted, beware – Fungalpunkus is coming to a game near you!