FUNGI, CRICKET AND HOOFING

12th September 2020 - Malpas 0 v 1 Ashton Athletic - Today we were in South Cheshire leading a fungus walk, it was ruddy hard work with the ground sandy and dry but the punters who attended were happy with the outcome.  I did find them a Dead Man's Dick, some Crampballs, a couple of fine smelling Earth Potatoes and a few Flame Scalecaps which were new for the area.  No deaths were had, no case of the shits and all returned back to the starting point in fine fettle.  After the walk we made the short trip to The Oxhays, purchased a drink and sat on a bench watching some cricket.  I fancied getting my peepers on some dangling googlies or perhaps glimpsing someone partake of a full toss - alas all we saw was a good catch, some swift scoring and a Small Tortoiseshell Butterfly enjoying the warm weather.  Thanks to two kind gents I acquired pics of teamsheets and me and my good lady eventually picked our viewing point and watched the game unfold.  It was a quite lovely area on a splendid day to watch some Non-League action - but what on earth would the outcome be?

Kick-off came just before 3pm, I suspected the referee wanted to get home and watch the recent re-runs of CHIPS on the old goggle box, he seemed that sort of bloke or was it the way he strode onto the pitch - ooh heck.  The first action to take place on the glowing verdant baize came when the hosts knocked a long ball forward and the guests failed to take heed of the 'Don't Panic Mr Mainwaring' warning. The yellows seemed to be in a state of sixes and sevens and were in danger of being caught cold.  When in any peril though one can always rely on an old fashioned hoof into No Man's Land and that is just what one defender did - the brief hint of trouble passed.

From here we went straight down the opposite end, No 7 (Alex Ashby) was released when a delicious cross-ball fell at his feet.  There was a slight chance at glory but the defensive bod in close attendance just did enough.  The fast paced action continued, Ashton Athletic, despite being forced to make an early substitute, made most of the initial running with No 8 (Declan McLoughlin) having a pop that flew just over the horizontal.  The same squad came on again, some neat touch and move sequences were executed but the end shot was tame and straight at the keepers awaiting midriff.  Malpas were quick to counterpunch and a lovely long ball was flicked on and, despite the said nudger being clattered, play was allowed to continue with No 9 (Lee Parry) attempting a cheeky lob over the keeper.  The ball rose and fell, is was the right idea but the elevation was of such a level that the globe fell behind the framework - I was sure the first goal wasn't that far away.

Within seconds of the last incident the hosts had another break.  Some quick passing and a cross saw the ball sit and wait to be slammed home.  Only feet out from the goal-line the ball was somehow booted clear - phew!  The game galloped on with good pace, akin in fact to the old stallion known as King Nob the 3rd when ridden by that famed gay horse charmer Fester Riggot!  Malpas had a throw in nutted clear but the home No 3 (Sam Gresty) looked to rupture meshing with a side-footed attempt but once more the ball would not stay below the bar.  Again the Malpassian Mob came, Lee Parry was the apical component and showed good strength to weasel away a low pea-rolling shot - I think the keeper was relieved when it trickled on the outside of the upright.

The final stages of the first period were hectic, McLoughlin for the Athletic sent in a whistling cross that needed the merest touch to gain a goal but no contact was made and then No 10 (Harry Johnson) had a pop but again the target zone remained un-penetrated.  Two more chances came at either end, the host No 11 (Harry Cunningham) came closest with a good gather, dash and delivery but was denied by a defender who stuck to his guns and was in the right place at the right time.  Sour FA it remained - we sat on the grass and slurped Lemonade for the brief break and a nearby aged gent rolled some rough shag and sparked up his pipe.  I could make a foul joke here but since converting to Hinduism I will refrain - darn that pot-bellied Elephant God.

And so to the second period.  From the off the Yellows surged with a swift pass, a knock on and a cross.  As if by magic (or more likely good running) there was Ashby to sweep home and catch Malpas with their conkers cold and dangling.  No sooner had the net been rippled than Malpas were on the back peg again and scrambling around like floundered flat-fish on a beach full of drawing pins (nasty hey).  The local alarm bells were ringing, No 6 (Charlie Middlemore) for the guests gathered and darted and was vulgarly upended.  McLoughlin looked to double the lead but the bonus boot was quickly consigned to the bottom drawer labelled 'garbage'.  

It looked as though Ashton were now holding all the major cards until a duff pair of jacks were played and Malpas were allowed to trump matters by earning a cheap corner.  The globe was hit into the box, the mitter made contact but merely advanced the ball onto the awaiting home belfry of Cunningham. The net was there to be hit and this duly happened albeit on the wrong side of the post - now that was a chance.  From here the hosts worked back into the game, the stanchion was struck, several corners came and held good threat.  No 15 (Matty Hewitt) for Malpas was now on and looked to be a player with good ideas but Ashton were soon advancing again with the ever available Ashby receiving, negotiating his marker and letting fly a sweet curler that clattered against the upright and brought great sighs of relief from the resident fans.  To be fair, the lad deserved his second strike of the day, Malpas were riding their luck.

The next action saw the guests have two minor chances with Ashby nearly sneaking in again like a fart squeezed out between the crack of two clenched buttocks and then McLoughlin went on a dazzling run but punctuated matters with a shot that contained too much elevation.  The game hit the final stretch, McLoughlin for the traveller's found space and delivered a cross that was blocked but which came straight back to the same players feet.  A re-posting of the ball found Ashby and this looked the moment destined to sign, seal and deliver the result.  The effort that came boomed over the bar - what a shocker it was, in fact, if a Dickie Davis look-alike had done a streak and sported a 'Free Bobby Crush' tattoo I would have been less shocked.

The dying embers, another Malpas corner saw the keeper flapping.  The ball awaited contact to send it home, it remained untouched.  Hewitt had a dig soon after, off the mark was the outcome once again.  Next and a long ball found Lee Parry at the apex who duly did all the hard work and sent a low shot the gloved guardian was surely happy to see tumble shy of the mark.  The final melee saw much bluster, but very little in the way of a genuine chance until the hosts had one last fling that saw Hewitt provide a choice flick on with Lee Parry connecting and attempting to chip the keeper.  The shot was on target, alas for the trailing pack there was a defender on the line ready to clear and clear he did.  Soon after and that was that, I think Ashton Athletic just shaded this one and the Man of the Match goes to their tireless, always thinking and very hard working No 6 (Charlie Middlemore) for a veritable shift that kept matters moving and gave the opponents no time to settle - the nod of appreciation from this touchline enthusiast was well-deserved.

We pootled homeward happy with the visit to another Non-League ground.  Again fine amiable folk, a great setting and some hard fought football was thoroughly enjoyed - it goes without saying that we will return.

FINAL THOUGHT - What a lovely area to watch a game of footy and what a close encounter we witnessed with two teams trying to ensure their campaign starts with a great uplift.  This was Malpas' first game today and they just didn't have their finishing boots on and just lacked that final creativity to grab the win.  There were many positives though, the defenders worked hard and looked steady, the centre of midfield is a battling force and the attack plays with width and looks energy laden.  They will do OK throughout the campaign, all they need is to keep the options varied and the final third composed and well supported.  Ashton Athletic came on the back of an 8 - 3 win and did an old school '1 goal win', away from home, just like the championship winning Leeds United side under the managerial eye of Don Revie back in the 70's.  The difference today was Ashton Athletic refused to play things dirty and strove on to grab more goals which they were unfortunate not to do.  At the rear they look solid, in the middle of the pack they have high zeal and up front they put in a stint with the goal scorer noted for his back-tracking efforts when a breakaway needed attending to.  I haven't been up to watch Ashton Athletic for over 12 months, it is always a good trip out, the diary now has another date to scribble in - by heck, isn't it a wonderful situation to be in when there are so many great options.

PS - the aforementioned Pipe Smoker lit up again at the end of the game and let me have a pull on his oral puffer.  The tobacco was Old Hillman's Rectally Rolled and not the suggested Rough Shag - I do apologise to all who have been misled - cough, splutter, spit!