31st October 2020 - Winnington Avenue 94 6 v 2 Newton Athletic - We may be facing another lockdown due to that fat lump of lard who has been given the role of PM (how the Hell did that happen)? I am not going to get down by this impending bout of insanity, you see in the main people reap what they sow and I am making sure I sow wildflowers and positive vibes instead of ego claptrap and self-indulgent spores of shittery - here is my latest report. The weather turned foul during the morn, as windy as the bean-eating cowboys whose Saddles were Blazing and as damp as the brow of Donald Trump when asked to decipher the meaning of 'truth'. Undeterred we cracked the whip and did our chores, prepared for the football fix and headed out with brollies packed and in my case, a pair or Larry Luvlumps Latex Undies protecting the nether regions. We arrived nearly 2 hours before kick-off, anyone turning up wearing a syrup or with an allergic reaction to enthusiasm had my deepest sympathy - this wasn't the place for such folk. There was a breeze whipping early on whilst we had a wander and found several species of fungi, it was good to see Lactarius blennius still holding on.
Back at the car park we met STP Stu, entered the main ground and spent an idle hour nattering and watching the teams get set up. The referee kindly provided me with teamsheets and I was set to scribble a report. This is the textual twaddle I came up with.
The home team made the greater proportion of early running with much urgency and pressurising passing the result. No 11 (Steven Warburton) was a constant release valve and provided many crosses at the end of his scampering runs. One early delivery found the cranium of No 10 (Thomas Sneyd) who could only nut wide - it was a chance. The guests certainly needed to relax and get a grip on the game and this was reemphasised when WA94 came forth again with No 8 (Joshua Mainwaring) firing firmly, the keeper blocking but allowing No 9 (Joseph Lanceley) to waltz in and tap home to bag the all important first goal.
The home team remained in total command, almost like a teenage Hitler playing with his set of toy soldiers - 'Zee vill submit you Schweinhunds'. A free-kick came next, surprise, surprise it was for the resident team. The delivery was decent, No 4 (Ben Lambert) appeared with the ball on the line and pulled off the impossible by completely missing the target zone, as in the words of Paul Daniels when he actually cut a woman in half by mistake 'now that's tragic'.
From nothing Newton Athletic advanced with the apex of the move coming via No 11 (Ben Woodman) who fired and made the keeper earn his crust. Two corners followed, the first saw the hosts lucky to survive, the second needed nutting off the line and clearing. The ball was soon redelivered, No 6 (Adam Pownall) was clattered, the outcome, a penalty kick. No 9 (Dan Christian) stepped up, stroked the ball home with consummate ease - the game was now all square, what a ruddy shocker!
The restart came, WA94 strung together several passes, Lanceley provided a swift cross, Sneyd put in a header, 2 - 1 - one could almost here Newton Athetic's erections of success immediately deflate - it wasn't a pleasant sound - flaccid-tastic!
The game now settled, both teams battled well until Lambert for the home lads struck a beauty of a pass with the outside of his foot, Warburton crossed first time and No 14 (Joel Hind) put the ball into the net - a superb example of keeping things simple, effective and stunning. Newton Athletic stuttered along trying to snatch a goal back, a high ball saw No 10 (Lewis Davenport) collect and release but the kinetic energy transmitted to the globe was minimal. The keeper easily held whilst scratching his arse with one hand and contemplating what he was having for tea following this kick-about. Newton remained undeterred, 2 corners and 2 shots came, no joy was had but this was better. Suddenly Davenport for the visitors had a pop from distance, the ball flew straight and true and disappointingly rattled the underside of the bar, the player deserved so much more.
The last gasps saw a corner for Newton, the ball entered the box, much panic ensued. Within the melee of sweating bods and swinging legs was the Athletic's No 5 (Sam Morgan) who stayed composed and slotted home - what a good way to finish the half.
The break was brief, I took a quick wander to expel liquid gold and returned to the viewing spot to have a drink from the flask and snaffle a choccy bar. Initially this game looked as though it would be one way traffic, full marks to the travelling pack for making this a contest.
Half two commenced. Lanceley for the Avenue had a weak header, the Atheltic came close when a cross nearly caused an own goal, this game was still up for grabs. As Newton dashed and darted a defensive error came and Warburton profited and neatly rounded the keeper. The goal gaped like the rear orifice of a bloke awaiting a prostate inspection, all the striker had to do was penetrate and feel the gland of triumph - alas is was not to be, the target zone remained unpenetrated, the upright was clattered, any doctor carrying out the same mistake would surely be jailed, the player needs a talking to.
The competition was still tight, the next goal could lead to so much excitement. Newton's Christian had an attempt on goal but the shot lacked 'oomph'. Winnington responded, No 7 (Sam Didsbury) blazed a cross across the face of goal and soon after Warburton had a decent dig that needed pushing behind for the corner. The angled kick came, the keeper was left flapping like a cockerel with a 3-pin plug up its jacksie, No 5 (Liam Baker) was at the back post and bumbled the ball home in unorthodox fashion - 4 - 2 - the exact score I had predicted before the game.
With a prediction on the line the minutes passed away but Winnington were hungry for more with several shots coming and a bullet header needed gloved assistance to see it over the bar. Newton were still looking to get back into this one. A low ball came, No 17 (Ross Kelman) swivelled quicker than the eyes of a porn addict when confronted with a 4-tittied woman. The release that followed was on target, the save was spot on. With the scoreline looking set the hosts dashed, a delivery came and Duffy finished without fuss. My prediction was pissed on, the game was finished as a contest and a few droplets of rain now started to fall from the sky. Soon after Warburton had a other chance to increase the lead and bag a goal, the keeper produced a fine save. Didsbury was the next player to progress, the ball was played to Duffy, a severe twatting followed, 6 - 2 it was - icing on the cake methinks.
The game now wound down, no team came close to further bulging of the net, the referee duly blew, what complaints could we have. 8 goals, plenty of action, a few fungi and a couple of Buzzards came and said hello too. Man of the Match was a tricky choice, I thought No 16 (Ross Collins) was very effective for the Winny Warriors and exuded loads of energy, displayed a quick footballing brain and was forever in the action. For the time allowed the stint was effective, that is all one can ask.
As we drove home the Heavens opened and we listened to some obscure DIY music. We like to keep all things earthy and real - you know the script - Non-League, Nature and Noise - simple.
FINAL THOUGHT - A new ground visited in the Cheshire League and some fine action had. To be fair a place to get a brew and some snacks wouldn't have gone amiss and somewhere to rest the tired buttocks is always a nice option. These minor niggles shouldn't detract from a decent trip out that saw Newton Athletic get turned over but still produce enough to give them hope for the future. They battled 'til the end, fed on the odd scrap dropped and showed some good movement at times. Their No 11 (Ben Woodman) was a tricky player and their No 14 (Tom Lane) ran his conkers into the ground and was deserved of something better - I hope to catch this lot again mighty soon. Winnington today though, were very much the better team and played with great authority and much silky smooth attention. From a critical standpoint many chances were wasted, they had a period when they seemed to switch off and at times they were a bit loose on the ball but hey, overall this was an impressive performance that could have attained a goal tally of double figures. The next time I see these guys will be hopefully when they play my local team Denton Town - this should be a real test for both units - I may need to dose up on Bromide to keep the excitement levels down!
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