DERBY DAY

26th December 2020 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 2 v 0 Cheadle Town - Well did you 'get stuffed', did you over indulge and enjoy the farce - thank buggery Santa has emptied his sack, pissed of back to his grotto and taken those obnoxious elves with him.  We pootled, reflected and chilled and watched some TV at this end.  An Elvis film had me mimicking the actor and straining my hip bones, watching 'City Under The Sea' saw me imitate a Gill-Man in the bath and nearly drown myself and well, I won't tell you what happened when I watched Lord of the Flies and threw a rock at a fat kid - it was very remiss of me.  So with court proceedings pending, a stuffy head and a need to get out I had a local Derby Match to enjoy.  I arrived early (the ground was only a few streets away), met up with STP Stu and nattered to a few familiar boat races and breathed in the bracing air.  My head is still a coconut of snot, it is getting on my pickle, the dizzy spells are ruddy rank.  Nonetheless, after a brew was purchased and a sausage butty, a viewing point was chosen and the pen and notebook were produced to scribble an account of the day.  As per the ink weaved a path across the paper, the DIY and digressing manner came as a natural matter of course - this is what I saw in my own unadulterated, unprofessional and unprocessed words - like it, lump it, use it as a means of arousal but it is surely better than doing nowt.  To add - during the writing of this report no further chunky chaps were harmed in anyway - I have learned my lesson, I'll stick to throwing bricks at politicians, bullies and selfish folk.  

12.30pm arrived and with dinner put to one side, and many a belly questioning the lack of food, the game began.  Darren Morris a Tatton Park Ranger we know joined us, as well as my mates Gassy and Angela from up Ramsbottom way.  Darren had arrived by riding one of Tatton's deers all the way down the motorway.  This was all well and good by me but why did he have to do it naked - the man is not right in the head!  Gassy and Angela came by a car powered by urine - with the pairs waterworks trouble it seems recycling is the way forward!

And to the game, The Town shot from the traps like Mick the Miller on whizz.  No 9 (Pat Davin) was in with a low shot but the resident keeper was alert and saved well.  A free-kick came the same way mere seconds later, over the bar it went but this was still a positive start from the short-travelling ranks.  Again the red and white army advanced, No7 (Harry Hatton) was the apical component and sent in a grass-grazing shot that was once again solidly saved.  All the running continued to be made by the guests until a rare sortie forth saw a shot for the Nomads squeeze out from a crowded pack and head towards the bottom corner.  The mitter did well to watch the effort and duly collect.

Eventually the hosts got up to speed, a free-kick saw 2 quick penalty shouts ensue but the referee refused to be sucked in to the claims.  A Nomads' corner was next, it gave rise to some in-box consternation with the ball eventually getting walloped clear.  The game became a battling affair with both teams giving little away and working with perspired brows.  No 10 (Kyle Foley) had a pop but the opposing keeper held with ease, already I was wondering if we were heading for a goalless stalemate - (what a pessimist hey).

The Nomads eventually began to create some pressure with the Town soaking up and then suddenly reacting on the break.  The guest No 1 (Marcus Burgess) released, Davin executed a choice turn and touched on to Hatton.  A nut back came, Davin stayed composed, picked his spot and was unfortunate to see the ball bend just wide.  The Town brandished the attacking armoury again, Davin and Hatton linked up (not sexually of course) with a chip shot coming that the keeper did well to tip over.  The angled kick produced nowt, as did a Cheadle Heath Nomads break, and the first half was swiftly consigned to the file labelled 'recent history'.

The break was spent where we were although the aforementioned couple had to dash to the lavatorial cubicles due to the inner muscles of restraint losing a certain level of control.  Luckily I had come armed with elastic bands and a strip of sellotape so could avoid leakage at will - good thinking or what!

With all back in position the second period began like the first - with the Cheadle Town unit out brightest.  Chances didn't arise and the Nomads rode the brief storm with No 11 (Jack McConnell) having a pop that wasn't too far off the mark.  The Town responded, a multi-pass move saw the ball poked through to No 11 (Benjamin Brooks) who waited a milli-second too long to execute and so had his shot saved by the keeper's well-spread legs.

Chances became a rare commodity, both teams were nullifying the other and blunting their hopes.  The home team did win a free-kick, it was drilled low with middling pace that forced a regulation save.  The corner was punched clear and the game became stodgy and flat, similar to a Fanny Craddock Nipple Flan that had been concocted with a little too much tit milk and suet and not enough vigour.  The Town eventually forced themselves on, a long cross, a nut back and Brooks lashed over the bar - it should have been at least on target.  

A home substitution came next, the said player No 16 (Yussuf Abduallahi) was immediately in the mix with a few touches in a move that was finalised by No 8 (Taylor Dyson) who was denied by a solid save.  The corner gave birth to a bastard known as 'Bugger All' - emphasis lain on the descriptive word 'bastard' it seems.

The last 15 minutes came, both teams were having equal possession but lacking thought and options.  From nothing the hosts pressed.  The guests backed off like a gang of nerve-addled hypochondriacs being approached by a colony of flaking lepers.  No 9 (Wilf Riley) took full advantage, nipped in, swung the shank and bagged the opening goal with a poke home that was far from pretty but which still notched up a very important strike.  

Time now galloped like Darren's deer with a freshly roasted chestnut up its arse.  The Nomads seemed to want this one more and played with more organisation.  Another foray forth came, No 7 (Joseph O' Brien) ran the flank, beat his marker and put the ball into 'territory trouble'.  The clearance didn't come, Riley popped up once again and doubled his own, and his side's tally - 2 - 0 - that looked to be it folks.

Before the final peep, Riley had another strike, the sweetest of the lot that was beautifully saved and then O' Brien had a go but with no extra success.  The Town managed one last assault with a free-kick touched on with no taker's arriving in time to make for a harem-scarem showdown.  The game ended seconds later, the best team had won and Man of the Match goes to Cheadle Heath Nomad's No 7 (Joseph O 'Brien) for being a persistent problem, working hard and giving his team options when they were lacking in all other areas.  A fair stint and a good way to run off the Christmas Day spread.

FINAL THOUGHTS - the annual festive derby was a close encounter in many ways but for me, Cheadle Heath Nomads played as a complete unit with lots of energy used and a more organised feel running throughout the team.  They rode the gruelling moments well, put in a full workload and came out justified winners after burying two 'not too easy' chances.  There is still growth to be had, this is a new line-up with a little oiling and tweaking needed but the evidence today points to a side with a rosier future than deemed a few months ago.  Cheadle Town were not the greatest opposition today though, they looked far from fluent and at times appeared disjointed.  I for one expected more but sometimes things don't go as planned and when slightly off the pace the end result can soon go astray.  On another day, with the early strikes being buried, the whole complexion of the game could have been so different. Football though isn't just about 'if onlys' when all that matters is getting the points in the bag.  Again there is a lot of work to do here, and the season will wait for no team.  Let us see how the next few games go for these line-ups and perhaps then we can thoroughly see potential tapped or potential wasted.  Onwards folks.

PS - the claim that I deliberately used the lasses toilets after the match is unjustified, it was a genuine mistake any man with a full bladder could make - and besides, in this weather there wasn't much on show to offend anyway!