Monday, 7 June 2021


5th June 2021 - Denton Town 4 v 1 Vulcan FC - Last weekend I was watching Vulcan FC v Denton Town - this week I am doing the same, this is not like me at all.  Variety has got to be the condiment of doofing but time and tasks dictated today so I was strait-jacketed and had no other options available.  The morn was busy, gardening, tidying, finalising some wildlife records.  I checked a few stats, species seen has passed the 4,200 mark, wildlife areas recorded at is now up to 867 and records input on various national databases stands at just over 81,000.  I led my 350th wildlife walk this week, seen over 1000 bands in the last 20 years (since keeping count), reviewed 1600 CD's and this shall be my 365th match report.  The outcome, I am potless, as passionate as ever and still pissing in the wind.  The key though is - do and do for the love of it, any other way is bogus.  Punk not profit, DIY or DIE, give not take - simple hey.  

Stats keep me focused, help me to put back and keep my cluttered belfry in some kind of order.  I could seek out many more figures, I could put some beads on my nob and use it as an Abacus but then, not being able to count beyond 3 would make my old John Thomas more useless than it already is.  I do hope you get the gist though, you gotta keep active, motivated and doofing, talking of which, I was on the touchline again with the sun beating down on the crust and the head wondering how many goals would I witness today (now there's a thought, how many goals have I seen in my life - ooh forget it).  STP Stu was my company as well as Gareth and Sandra, punk pirate Paul North and a few other fine bods.  I predicted a 6-1 win for Denton, I had placed a bet of 25 rupees with local barman and Indian impersonator Jimmy - he said if I predicted the correct score he would not only pay me but throw in an electric Haggis too (he is Scottish after all).  The teams strode forth, I pondered the sexual gratification I could achieve with the said savoury delight stuffed up my arse - game on.

The first action came when Vulcan were awarded a free-kick.  No 16 (Stuart Welstead) delivered a low curler which the keeper did well to deal with at his far upright.  Denton responded with a corner that was played short, crossed and pinged wide from the cranium of No 5 (Cole McGrath) - it was a real chance lost.  This was a decent start from both teams with arse cracks well lathered and brows sporting sun-kissed sweat beads.  Denton began to probe but still needed to find the accurate weight of the pass to make that killer move.  

A brace of free-kicks came for the hosts, the first was well-fisted bringing back memories of a night in Holland with Liberace.  The second was hoofed straight over the bar, rekindling thoughts of a 1970's dwarf-flinging contest in the Dog and Duck.  This was a nice open game and a real chance seemed to be not far away.  The hosts cultivated a hat-trick of corners.  No 7 (Phillip Yuille) had a shot blocked from the first, the next two angled hoofs were best left unmentioned.

The guests now rallied, No 7 (Ben Crowe) collected a long pass and had only the mitter to beat - the finish was awful.  In return for this scare Denton's No 9 (Caylem Bateson) turned and twatted with the bottom corner awaiting a good bulging.  The travelling No 1 (Paul Salters) dove, reach out a gloved hand and pulled off a quality save - nice work all round.  

The stalemate looked to be set when the Vulcanites produced the best football of the game with a threaded ball, played on, stroked through the defence that led to No 15 (Owain Taylor) being crudely tumbled.  A penalty was the outcome, a penalty that Welstead stroked home with utter sanguinity.  0 - 1 - well, well, well.

The guests were worth the lead and the onus was now own the resident ranks to get back into this one.  After a drinks break The Town won a free-kick that was looped forth calling upon the keeper to tip over.  The resultant corner once again lacked quality.  Denton tried to bite, it was like watching a toothless hag tackle a frozen pork pie - very little impression was being made.  Suddenly a corner was earned, the ball was posted and McGrath arrived and made contact.  The home team shouted 'goal', the away team shouted 'no way', I shouted 'my willies rather warm' (one doesn't like to be left out).  The referee gave a goal and seemed disinterested in my clammy porker - hey ho, you can't win em' all.

The kick off came, Vulcan were still reeling, Denton were ablaze,  Within seconds No 11 (Lewis Loughman) was left to advance and have a punt.  The ball left the foot, called off at 'Deflectionsville' on its way to goal and was soon seen to arrive a destination 'Goal' in a matter of nano-seconds.  2 -1 - what a turn-around.

The heat now began to rise both on and off the pitch.  Voices were raised, the referee dealt with matters in the best way, the game cracked on and Town's No 10 (Shaq Lewys) muscled his way into position, placed a pass which was touched on for Yuille to pop up and collect.  The goal was spied, a daisy beheading shot flew forth, the keeper had no chance, 3 - 1 and the best strike of the game - and then half-time came.

We had a brew for the break, soaked up the rays and chatted away.  Being a 'no phone' man my wife had tried to get in touch via Stu's mobile - I gave her a ring to find out her mum had collapsed and they were waiting for help - oh heck.  I am blessed with a good Mother-In-Law, a lady who has always been good to us and a decent woman now struggling in her old age.  Fingers crossed things get sorted, sometimes life can be a real mocking bastard.

The game restarted, I felt a trifle subdued and as a reflection the game also became something of the same (or was it just me).  Denton wasted two gratis gifts and then the ball fell to the eager feet of Lewys.  A spurt followed, the striker had options either side but it was obvious the intent was on having a dig.  A fraction of space presented itself, the shank was swung and a quite gratifying strike was bagged - 4 - 1 - my prediction was still on, my rear was tingling in anticipation,

From here a certain 'snuffing out' dictated matters with no real chances coming.  Some solid tackling, good work from both rears and some solid containing work all put paid to any definitive opportunities.  Bateson for Denton put in a wriggling run but was foiled by some top notch defending and then Vulcan had a period of urgency but just lacked the assassins touch to cause any great concern.

Another break for a cooler and the last period saw Vulcan have the best chance when a swift move left Taylor with room to bury.  The shot came, was blocked and the follow-up effort looked certain to land in the onion bag - the outcome was a punt into the azure Heavens. A throw in for the visitors saw No 3 (Joe Coveney) glance on with the crust and stretch the keeper and then the game gasped its last breaths and we were done.  Not a classic second period but we did get a choice goal and the end result was justified,  Man of the Match goes to Denton Town's No 9 (Caylum Bateson) who, despite being a goal scorer, didn't get a goal today but who put in an exemplary stint with great passion, selfless off the ball running and a never say die attitude.  It was a real good 90-minute stint, good on ya fella, a controlled and tireless performance.

Farewells were had, Gareth and Sandra kindly dropped me off home after the match (thank you) and I cracked on and cooled down.  A good game and worthy of Denton Town's biggest attendance for 3 years - lovely.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Vulcan FC cobbled a team together, came, got struck in and were ultimately conquered.  The attitude though was spot on, for me the club will be better for this season and next year I am expecting an improvement,  It has been a strange campaign, a late spurt seemed to be on and then the shaft of hope went all flaccid - perhaps the gas left the tank a little too early or it is another thing to blame on Covid.  A pimple on the arse, a swollen nipple, spots before the eyes and a bad end of season - all symptoms of the virus it seems.  Denton Town did what they needed to do and although they are looking to be runners-up and miss out on promotion the foundations are there on which to build and next year they need to hit the ground running and make sure they battle hard for the full 90 minutes of each and every game.  Quality runs deep within the team, the end product of moves needs fine tuning and off the ball hollering needs upping but, other than that, it is all looking good.

I sign off with the Mother-in-Law on my mind and re-emphasising that in life football is not as important as it seems but is a game to enjoy, respect and be bloody well grateful of if you are involved.  Think on, be fair, be decent and be happy to be in touch with the hoofing game at the proper level.

PS - I will miss the last game of the season as I am due to lead a nature walk but thanks to all for this season's campaign, the many chits and chats and the fine enthusiasm - and also to Phil the Chairman for letting me do a bit for nature and the free book today - nice one.  Double PS - Jimmy - stick yer fuckin' haggis and good luck on the light entertainment circuit!  See ya all soon.

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