BOTTOMS UP

25th November 2017 - St Helens Town FC 2 v 3  FC Oswestry Town - Sometimes in life there comes a succession of niggles that really test the patience, I am on such a roll.  My computer had been pissing about for a month or so and has finally blown, I am still not sorted and much data needs re-jigging despite a £65 bill.  On top of this the car has been in for service, and today the house roof started leaking and dripped on the keyboard of the replacement computer. When I plugged it in the letter 'G' wasn't working - ooh my griping gonads - or should that be ' ooh my riping onads' - who cares, all I know is I felt like shitting my pants with ill temper and headbutting the local vicar just for the hell of it. The floodlight failure at a match this week got on my tits too and the weather is about as kind as Robert Mugabe during Children in Need week.  A few phone calls and arrangements were made to have the roof looked at over the coming days, in the meantime we had a choice - stop in and suck eggs or go to the footy and lose ourselves in the game we love.  Packed, out, 45 minutes later we were at the bar at Ruskin Drive and purchasing tea and chips.  Into the ground, perched up and the food and drink went down mighty well.  Mentally I was still twitching, it was up to the teams to ease the tetchiness.  If this was a bad match my underpants were gonna be put under some extreme pressure I can tell ya. The squads came, me and wife snuggled up, we were duly warmed by a fine match that went like this:- 

On the 4G pitch the game began, hail started falling, the initial play saw the St Helens' lads push up and it was a long ball from the rear that opened up the opponents defence like a screwdriver jabbed into a tin of Bartletts pears.  No 7 (Alex Ashby) captured the globe, cut in and shot low and firm.  The ball moved at mid-pace but it had such accuracy the sprawling keeper could only look behind him and see the far corner of the net gently ripple - what a tidy take.  The Oswestry boys responded, No 7 (Jacob Farleigh) galloped forth, won a free punt which was duly thumped over but exhibited the fact that the O's would not lay down - good effort. The Saints responded in kind with Ashby menacing and after claiming the ball from a bonus boot put a firm cross in that was only just cleared.  The visiting tribe put a good passing sequence together next that saw good work all round and No 4 (Jack Harris) wander through and release - he was mightily disappointed not to hit the target.  Back we went to the opposite end of the pitch, a quick move saw No 9 (Shaun Brady) flash in a good dig.  The ball was deflected and a corner given which was taken but of quite shabby quality - hey ho, back to the drawing board.


Now the Oswestry lads put in a concerted effort to level matters, another eye-catching build up and No 8 (Sam Thomas) delivered a dipper that stubbornly stayed too high.  Farleigh followed up with a range finder that the mitter easily gathered in but one could sense a goal on the cards. It was within seconds of these thoughts another bout of smooth play came via the tootsies of the travelers with the end result seeing Jack Harris sneak in and finish with a ice cool technique. This was turning into an enthralling affair with both teams playing some decent on-the deck football and trying to do so with composure kept.  A settled period followed, both teams just lacking the executioners cold-hearted touch.  Unexpectedly, after an innocuous challenge a free kick was given to the the home bods.  The ball was played and some marvellous work by No 11 (Luke Edwards) on the flank saw some in box havoc.  A touch in, a touch out, back in, back out, shake it all about and then...No 9 (Shaun Brady) maintained his head and slotted home, the lead had been regained, could the guys on the back foot respond? Oswestry duly answered the question when No 3 (Lewis Jarman) was involved in a one-two, upended and given a gratis punt.  No 11 (Stuart Vernon) stepped up and humped the ball toward goal, alas the crossbar wasn't high enough and we stayed as we were.  Good feet by Edwards at the other end and the free award was hit on target but without spite.  Towards the latter end the O's had a couple more cracks, one was via a silky move that saw Harris produce a rasper.  The save that came was of an eye-catching standard.  St Helens had one last chance, a long ball found Ashby who was clean through.  He decided to rush and strike early, that was a shocking miss and may come back to haunt his team.

Half-time - we swigged ginger and ate Toblerone, it was too cold to wander so we huddled up like 2 Starlings on a telegraph pole - our feathers had been ruffled by the days gripes but we were enjoying this one nonetheless, a good distraction.

The first chance of the second period came via the home No 9 (Shaun Brady) who really should have done better than he did but, within two flicks of a Tasmanian Devils titty, he was in again, this time with a stonking chance of burying the game.  Alas a certain goal shy sensation struck him down, he dillied and dallied and when he did dig in the chance was duly suppressed.  A corner followed, No 10's (Thomas Grimshaw) overhead was audacious and too high, worth a gamble though.  The guests were being kept on the back foot, several host heads being constant thorns in the scampering side.  The Saints created a fast fluid move, a clinical pass followed and Grimshaw placed his shot with care.  The bottom corner gaped and beckoned, the fingers of the diving keeper got just enough on the ball to make for a quality save.  Oswestry now used this moment as a catalyst, found the net but saw the offside rule quell their joy.  After surviving 2 sharp corners they came again, Farleigh was playing well and picked up matters, threaded in and let fly.  The ball was deflected, it fell at the feet of No 9 (Christopher Bishop) who tapped home with gratitude.  All square and St Helens were lucky not to be behind when nanoseconds later Farleigh nipped in again, had another effort and just missed the upright.

All to play for now and into the last 20 minutes we went.  No 4 (Daniel Lomax) for St Helens tried to lob the keeper from halfway but was a couple of feet from memorable glory and that pesky visiting Farleigh was being a constant nuisance and liable to create a winner at anytime. Out of a transient lull Oswestry won a corner. The ball whizzed in, head contact was firm and bang - 3 - 2 - No 8 (Sam Thomas) the man with the golden touch.  7 minutes were left, The Saints fought hard, Oswestry were solid, Ashby for the hosts had a late chance, the shot was dragged wide, concluding a tale of missed chances that, as it turned out, cost so much.  The referee blew, this had been a good do folks and No 7 (Jacob Farleigh) of FC Oswestry gets my choice of man of the match due to his speedy work, pitch coverage and just all round problematic performance.

FINAL THOUGHT - The title of this report reflect my thoughts of the teams on show - how on earth they are in the bottom half of the table is beyond me and if they keep playing football as I witnessed today surely the only way is up.  The footballing existence can be a cruel thing at times  - I mean just look at the nasty tricks that have been pulled over the years - Emlyn Hughes' voice, Peter Nobles' hair and Garth Crook's gut - what a terribly unfair world it is but man, to have these two squads in the mire and see them get undue reward for their efforts is tantamount to insulting.  Having said this, FC Oswestry appear to be on a roll and may soon be clear of the drop but St Helens are getting a duff deal and they may have to make some harsh decisions over the coming months or stick at their game plan and cross their digits of destiny. Then again, if the manager spends a night in a Premier Inn with Satan, the ground staff sacrifice their souls to Count Dickula the Vampire Nob or indeed if the guy selling programmes ate several babies and sacrificed his missus to the biggest demon of them all, Jimmius Savillius, a turn of good fortune may be had.  Personally I'd stick to your guns and see what comes, far easier on the conscience, and the backside I hear.