SALMONERS SMOKED

23rd January 2018 - West Didsbury & Chorlton 4 v 1 AFC Darwen - Tweets were twanging this way, that way and t'other as many peeps wondered how the pitch would hold up for tonight's Premier League game on a somewhat mild and sedate day.  The go ahead was given, I prepared for my 55th game of the season with some after-work exercising and a simple tea.  A home win looked a certainty tonight with the visiting troop of ball kickers having something of a dire season.  For me, if Darwen could pinch a win it would surely throw a soiled pair of underpants in the laundry basket of the lower league and add to the increasing stench around those in the mire.  I indulged in a bit of chiromancy and came up with a home win, I checked the tea leaves after slurping a cup of the old chimp's tonic which resulted in a scoreline of home sway and I cracked open a fortune cookie to read the following suggestive hint - 'The breast of the West shall leek tit milk of triumph'.  It seemed a sure fire thing that the Recreation Ground residents were going to win but, just for further certainty, I contacted a local medium known as 'Predictable Pamela the One Eyed Witch' whom, after catching me sniggering at her lone orb, told me that the WDC mob would win but if I placed a wager and committed the crime of gambling that, after collecting my winnings, I would be set upon and beaten up by 5 Claire Rayner look-a-likes.  Mmm - perhaps I will just watch the match and leave prophecy to those in the know!  My good lady dropped me off, I took up my point of peeping and watched the game unfold before me.

Studded boot kissed spherical leather, opposing sets of quadriceps got pumping (and I thought that only happened in the zoo) and the emerald crystal kissed baize was pounded with passion. The first major glimpse of glory came when the hosts thrust within the opening minute.  A sprayed ball found No 7 (Ben Steer) who moved with intent, put in a cross and found the bonse of No 9 (Thomas Bailey).  The ball flew off the nugget with pace but was too firm and sailed above the horizontal.  Within seconds good pace was shown from No 11 (Ashley Woods) who chased a slotted through ball but was denied by an alert keeper who was out and down to smother in the blinking of a beady eye.  I was struggling to keep up with these early assaults when No 8 (John Sergeant) sent in a wind whistler, once more off target but upholding the desire and relentless early pressure of the home team.  Steer was soon to follow with a punt of his own after cutting in with ease and swinging the peg.  Yes, you guessed it - wide of the mark but surely the first goal was imminent.  Darwen somehow found a chance to advance with several passes across the box being finalised by a shot that was followed by a claim for a goal.  Somehow the mittman saved on the line and just kept the ball from entering the strike zone - now that would have been a shocker!  After this glimpse of positivity a crippling negative struck the visiting team when a hopeful long ball by the WDC crew fell into space and the Darwen No 1 made a claim for it to be his and his alone.  He swung a leg to hoof clear, completely miskicked and in snuck Bailey, took one touch and then tapped home to give his side the lead.  The guests had barely recovered when Woods won a 50/50 ball, streaked the flank and put in a pinpoint perfect cross for Bailey to pick up on and finish with ease.  2 goals to the good now and WDC came once more with the most basic of through balls dissecting the Darwen rearguard and seeing Bailey nip in, round the keeper and bring up his hat-trick and his teams 3rd - what a start and with only 19 minutes on the clock.  Darwen would do well to avoid a whitewash here, my fingers were crossed.

Onwards we went, Woods of The West was involved in some superb link up play, drove into the box and was mightily unlucky now to finish the move with a goal - it certainly deserved it.  A rare wander by Darwen into territory unknown ended when their No 9 (Ryan Steele) tried a dipping shot that looped a little too late and fell behind the awaiting  net - unlucky indeed.  More West Didsbury & Chorlton action soon followed with Steer pounding one in, a penalty shout offered and then the same occurrence at the other end.  As the half wound down Darwen were working hard to achieve balance with their No 5 (Martin Parker) sweating blood to try and enthuse his fellow strugglers.  Alas towards the dregs of the first half we went and it was Woods and No 10 (Joseph Shaw) who combined for WDC with a lovely chip culminating the move and only just missing the frame.  Now that would have been icing on the cake.  The ref halted proceedings soon after - many questions needed to pondered regarding this game, the chief of which was how the travellers would get back into it - it looked nigh on impossible!

During the interval I chomped on some real toffee and watched a few night-time trains pass by in the sable distance.  There is something fascinating about these illuminated modes of transport passing by in the darkened hours.  Where were they going?  Who was on board?  What did their lives entail?  Combine these posers with that subtle trundling sound, subdued by the distance between lug and engine and for me at least, the pleasant distraction is complete.  I could add a little extra about a nude Jones The Steam stoking the coals and Casey Jones pulling his hooter but that would just be silly!

Back to the game and the second half started in a somewhat quiet fashion with an equilibrium between the two sides had.  Gradually through the home team turned the screw and a few Darwen players started bickering between themselves (never a good sign) and when a home free-kick was beautifully played forth by No 3 (Cavel Coo) and the pate of Shaw rose and nutted wide one felt that the next killer goal wasn't that far away.  Incredibly it was The Salmoners who came on strong and slipped through the sleeping waters of the home defence and the wriggling fish known as No 11 (Bobby Langford) splashed the net with a cool finish under mounting pressure.  Was this the turning point that would see this school of hoofers fight against the swim and surge upstream - my rod was twitching with interest!  Surprisingly WDC looked rattled and Darwen flapped their fins of belief with renewed vigour.  Against this growing threat though WDC dug in, won a free-kick and two corners - all amounting to little but showing that the threat levels were still high and although a maggot of hope had been dangled, a hook was there to snag the unwary.  

Darwen continued to strive for an opening, it was just at the last moment that a wrong decision was made and opportunity went AWOL.  At the back the travelling side now looked to have more adhesion and have a greater understanding of one another's positioning.  Having said this, Woods for the hosts, was put through by a sublime ball and it looked as though the game was sealed but a neat and efficient save denied him his just reward.  2 corners followed, in truth I could have done better wearing flippers and with a sombrero on (the sombrero is for purely sexual reasons).  2 WDC subs came, another corner was backed up with 2 shots that were duly blocked by flung carcasses and as time ticked on the game looked as though it would stay as it was.  Unfortunately For Darwen Woods had other ideas and when in the box with the ball at his feet he turned on a 10 bob bit and thumped home with pure focus - the game was now done. The closing period was tame with little else to report and when the man in black called for time it was just as well - I was getting a bit chilled.  Man of the Match tonight goes to the home No 11 (Ashley Woods) who I thought showed great willingness to be creative, applied some neat touches and ran himself ragged to get that much deserved goal - I like yer style chap!  I buggered off home after an entertaining evening - boy the tea and ginger biscuits went down good!

FINAL THOUGHT - West Didsbury and Chorlton seemed to have seen out their bad period and now look like settling into a run of better form, on this evidence I can envisage many wins in the back end of the season with some players really beginning to shine and proving their potential. They will always be well supported and so they should be - they play some tidy football, have a good set up going and, if they start serving chips I reckon they could start pulling people in by the hundreds - hint, hint!  Darwen look up shit street without money for a taxi - it can be a horrible place and, if one doesn't watch it, the shit can cause bigger slips and down the U-bend one can go, never to return.  I don't know what the answer is, they have some good players, a good work ethic and their ground is a darn nice place ideal for measured and effective football. For me they need to commit more, take a chance and tighten up that rearguard - communication and hard drills are needed so that all areas play as a pack.  I am sure many more touchline twats such as I have an opinion to air, it is par for the course and let us be honest, it is all there to be taken or discarded if the truth be told.  I don't mind this advice especially during the winter months - hot air is good for the gonads don't ya know!