FROM MADNESS COMES BALANCE

13th March 2018 - West Didsbury & Chorlton 3 v 3 Hanley Town - The tumble of time keeps on gathering momentum and my head is left in a sheer mush as I do a bit of this, a bit of that and of course, a bit of t'other!  There is warmth in the air and Spring is about to be sprung and my output will be further flung.  The weekend had flitted by, a coastal wander saw many birds noted, a few bugs observed and some tea and cake partaken of.  A theatre trip was enjoyed and a bonus nob was seen as the lead actor paraded himself before the spectators wearing nothing more than a curly barnet.  I don't normally keep a genital list but I may well have a go this year and submit all sightings to the secretaries of the Private Parts Observational Society, namely John Thomas and Jenny Tulls.  My subscription to 'Undercarriage UK' ran out last year, I may have to sign up again.  After a day at work and with these thoughts rolling around the addled swede I arrived at the ground and met up with STP Stu and discussed the noise-laden pit, forthcoming gigs whilst enjoying the tea we had acquired at the bar - football tea, never underestimate its powers.  Another local punk pirate (hello Pat) turned up and we headed out chatting away and taking up our positions for the nights entertainment.  The players warmed up and pissed off to prepare, I produced quill and parchment and scribbled down some textual twaddle later to be deciphered as thus:-

The action was immediate, early corners came at both ends, danger was minimal but each unit was keen to set out their intention.  Hanley began to push with purpose, the home lads held their own even though the opposition's movement was taking in a good spread of the playing surface.  The Blues advanced, there was a threat rising and when their No 8 (Michael Conlon) cut in and laid the ball off to the ever perilous No 10 (Theo Stair) one could sense a punt at goal was going to be had.  Stair cut in, had the briefest of ganders and duly bent the ball and watched it curve forth, kiss the inside of the post and bring a roar or triumph from the travelling fans.  The last time I saw a bender like this was on the Danny La Rue show, this was a solid strike and the catalyst for a period of lunacy that took us all by surprise.  The West pushed back, a something and nothing advance seemed to be dealt with when the ball fell to the No 10 (Ashley Woods) who thumped forth a murderous shot that nearly set the netting aflame.  What a strike and it was just as well the mittman made no contact as seeing the amputation of a limb via a thunderbolt ball is not what I would like to witness, although if the head of Jacob Rees-Mog was in the way that would be more like it (what a twat hey). Hanley immediately responded, they earned a free-kick but this led to a WDC laser breakaway.  The visiting players lunged in, the home players moved with scything speed, No 9 (Thomas Bailey) executed a crippling pass which No 7 (Ben Steer) tookin his stride before firing in a low drive with comfortable control that gave his team a 2 - 1 lead.  I scribbled my observations, Hanley kicked off and were on a charge, Conlon was racing away, WDC's No 3 (Prince Banya) chased.  The box was entered by both scampering competitors, contact was made and a penalty given, it seemed harsh but the cookie can crumble any way when situations like this arise.  No 9 (Daniel Cope) brushed off the crumbs of the clash, stepped up, belted home and brought matters back to a level footing.

The Hanley bench were now getting heated, the liner offered soothing words but they seemed to fall on deaf ears.  Both teams were playing with loose abandon and when a mini-lull came it must have been welcome to all concerned.  Suddenly a pass from the midfield was borne, Theo Stair was into space and finished with smooth ease, the mark of a cultured craftsman at one with his trade.  From the kick off The West put together a three pass move and finalised matters with a twatted shot that gave the keeper little chance.  We were once again well balanced, the taker of triumph this time was No 11 (Scott Mason) - it was well deserved to say the least.  With all square Hanley tried once more to pass and play their way to an advantage, WDC attempted to pay back in kind but no team was able to grasp the gonads of the game and hold on for any length of time.  Conlon and Stair were a constant menace for Hanley, they linked up, won a corner from which a header was boomed over.  WDC were caught napping again, Cope had an effort fly just off target - things needed to tighten up at The West's rear, they were walking on egg-shells with naked feet, it wasn't good for the nerves that was for sure.  The half was nearly done, a mistimed tackle brought a coming together and some touchline invective before Bailey for the hosts cracked a beautiful shot at goal that dipped a little too late and went inches over.  That was that folks, we went in search of refreshments, it had been a grand half for sure!

Tea was had, it were reet grand lad, we returned to our hot-spot.  Pat couldn't keep his eyes off his phone, the hazards of being a long-term Ipswich fan and paying over the odds for shite football.  The fact he has an Eric Gates tattoo on his todger and spends his weekends dressed as Paul Mariner is testament to his mental degeneration - sad indeed!  He needs to wake up and remember the wise words of Jimmy Hill - 'show me the nob of an aroused Mick Mills and I'll show thee a defender of delectable zeniths' - or something like that!

The game continued, a vitality laden start was had by the hosts, some lovely balls were manipulated (gosh) and the effort exposed was not lost on the many onlookers.  Hanley remained secure at the back and then sprung from the defensive trap like a Buddhist from a brothel.  2 rapid passes came, Conlon clouted one against the vertical - now that was close baby!  A delay came whilst a West Didsbury bod got treatment, when he was restored a corner was won soon after.  The ball went in, was cleared and picked up by Bailey who played out to Steer who in turn fed Woods in the box who touched the globe disappointingly wide.  Hanley won a corner of their own, it was a decent delivery but the home keeper did enough and helped his side apply further pressure.  No matter how much WDC peppered their opponents a head or a foot was always in the way.  Hanley halted the tide with another angled kick, one that was put in with accuracy and found Conlon at the far post who thumped over!  It was a hectic match, end to end stuff with only the killer punch lacking.  The pace was sizzling, the urgency incessant and when Bailey raced away, unselfishly passed to No 12 (Georgi Whyment) the next goal seemed a certainty.  Contact was made, the ball was pushed forth, it was disappointing to see it trickle off target.

We were galloping on to the final tape, the WDC sub No 17 (Chappy Massamba) was full of gusto and chased a lost ball as though his life depended on it.  He got there, just, and was duly clattered from behind by a stampeding No 3 (Joshua Bristow).  It was a clumsy tackle but when travelling at pace it is hard to pull out at the last minute.  The red card given was unlucky but the right decision, The West had a chance to bag a full-on win, by heck, pass me the Mogadon.  The free-kick that came was nicely delivered, Woods rose and beat the keeper but he put too much bonse on the ball and it flew above the horizontal.  The Dids men came yet gain, the Hanley keeper had a surge of adrenaline and missed the globe but was blessed with a kind bounce that helped him recover and spare his blushes.    He owes the Devil a drink, a pint of life with a soul on the side no doubt!  The final stretch, Massamba led the way, he had a shot but drove too high, several other shots came seconds later, carcasses flew, blocks were made, a penalty shout the other end made sure the madness reigned until the last and then, in the flurry of action the game was done, the whistle had halted matters and all concerned had to settle for a share of the spoils.  Man of the Match is a tough one but that No 5 (Joshua Thorpe) of Hanley Town held is own throughout, helped stave off times of pressure and contributed to a stubborn second half performance that earned his side that prized point.

FINAL THOUGHT - If ones pecker had as much action in it as what was on show in the first 30 minutes of this match then it would surely drop off!  It was an animated and thrilling start that is for sure and one that threw everyone off balance and had them wondering what the end result would actually be.  It all sounds well and good for we neutrals and touchline tootlers which indeed it is but for the management staff it was a period that was causing untold discombobulation and bonse scratching disbelief.   It was a lunatic fringe period but note must be made that at half-time the managers must have done something right as no further goals were had and each unit displayed a trifle more discipline.  It was all set up beforehand I suppose, West Didsbury are always fluent at home and Hanley are a mightily effective team with one or two players liable to explode into  high profitable action at any time.  I am due back at The Recreation Ground next week, more of the same may be asking too much and perhaps is unfair on the nervous system of the coaching crew - either way, I am hoping for a cracker.