9th April 2018 - Abbey Hey 1 v 2 Irlam FC - It has been a tough season for the two sides on show tonight and one that has seen undulating fortunes and great unpredictability keep all concerned on the edge of their seats and with a constant need for a nearby lavatory. There are a few receding hairlines on the benches, a few chewed nails and some stomachs riddled with ulcers after a campaign that hasn't really gone to plan - the last few weeks though are there to pick up crucial scraps and perhaps add an end gloss to the finishing position and give hope for the next season. The day was spent cycling, gardening and trying to solve a few computer problems. It seems that the company I have been using is wank and after failing to fix the latest problem they can kiss my foul arse if they think they are getting any more of my custom. Progress over the last few months has been had but I am back to square one, no devices can be recognised and so no photo's can be uploaded and no back-up's made - I think I need to piss in the hard drive and have done. Tea was had, I arrived at the ground unconcerned with the techno-tossery, bring on some good football and all will be reet! It wasn't the most picturesque evening after a day that was quite ruddy lovely - the Great British climate kind of sums up the unpredictability of the two teams on show - place your bets at your peril.
In atrocious conditions the teams came out with The Hey having a couple of tentative shots to get the feel of the pitch and test the sights. The home team initially forced matters, their No 11 (Adam Farrand) sent in a nice mitt-warmer that the keeper could only fully grab at the second attempt (just). Irlam eventually got their teeth into the the soggy flesh of the game but the weather was destined to make this just one mucky old affair. Abbey Hey won the first free-kick, it came after a tackle was deemed to have been too rough by the visiting No 5 (Steven Mills). It was a wayward decision and when the punt came to nowt justice had been done. At the other end Irlam won a gratis hoof of their own and when the ball was played in chaos briefly reigned until No 8 (Isaac Illidge) popped up and put the globe into the mesh. It was an ugly goal on an ugly night - in fact waking up to the face of Ted Bovis (after a night of warped passion) could be deemed less insulting on the eye! The team in the lead now started to get pushed back as Abbey Hey added a bit more urgency to their game. A rapid counter however was the result of the home sides efforts and when No 7 (Marcus Perry) surged and crossed only the merest touch was needed to bring up the second goal of the evening - alas contact came too late and the ball went agonisingly wide, it was a severe let off for the hosts.
As the moisture fell Irlam battled well to protect their advantage, the match though needed a spark although an arsonist would have had trouble igniting matters in these conditions. In the mire of nothingness both teams were miraculously producing nothing, it was becoming a poor spectacle but Abbey Hey had a brief patch of pressure that saw several balls come in and the Irlam noggins take a pounding as they consistently headed one ball after another free from danger. The visiting Blues reacted with a dazzling move that saw 4 defensive passes turn into a sizzling attack with Perry placing one for No 10 (Jordan Icely) to take in his stride and run forth with. All that was needed was a bulge of the netting, the shot however was woefully wank, I dropped my noggin in disappointed resignation - it was one of those nights, I could feel it in my festering water! From here the match progressed to the break with as few thrills as found in the bedroom of Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves - Hi De Hi campers!
I stayed put at half-time, the rain plays havoc with my long flowing hair and besides, I had a couple of decent folk to chat to and a Twix to devour - the highlights of the evening so far.
The second period started in drab fashion with the slightest suggestion of an opportunity snuffed out by a blocking carcass or a mistimed pass. Irlam did start to play the ball around with something akin to fluidity but there was hardly any way through the unstoppable downpour and resilient defense. No 9 (Haydn Foulds) did get space at one point but again the finish was shoddy and we stayed as per! Abbey Hey strove to make something happen and when a ball in was nodded on by No 7 (Peter Boyle) it was only from a blur of legs that the ball was eventually cleared. Irlam forced themselves back when Icely and Boland put in some good work with the latter hoofing in a splendid cross that was void of takers. A substitute held up matters and then Perry for Irlam picked up the ball, got his nugget down and drove forth like a man being chased by an aroused Liberace. He beat two players, had several options to his left and right but chose to smack one instead. The result - the best moment of the night and a great goal to boot - 0 - 2 to the Blues and seemingly 3 points in the saturated bag.
Abbey Hey now needed a miracle and nearly got just that when a free-kick saw a skimmed touch fall to the bonse of a forward player. The nut forth was only inches from the goal line and the one handed save that came was straight out of the top drawer (you know the drawer I mean, the one with the spare wigs, old copies of Tubby Tossers and this cream you use to make your willy bigger). A dazzling moment and one that led to the guest No 2 (Sam Bolton) racing way and crossing to Icely who was just denied in the nick of time. The last minutes were upon us, a few had seen enough but Abbey Hey were still trying and after a corner the sub (Daniel Heffernan) somehow managed to bag a goal and make for a tetchy closing period that saw a few wild tackles come and several players take to the ground. The Hey put in a late flourish but it was to no avail, they had been beat on a dreary night and left the pitch knowing, that in the coming weeks, there was a whole lot of work still to be done. Man of the Match tonight goes to No 2 (Sam Bolton) for Irlam whom I thought showed a good footballing brain, was difficult to read throughout and defended and tackled as well as anyone on the park. He made a few good runs too which made him an eternal problem for the home lads.
FINAL THOUGHT - And that is that for Irlam FC, as safe as King Kong's conker in a pair of Bette Davis Safety Knickers - and that's safe. They deserve this, they are better than results have shown and, with a bit of concentrated effort, they could end up with a top half position that would be justice incarnate. Abbey Hey I feel are just going to scrape by but man, tis gonna be a close call and a few slips here and there and, as in the words of that Dad's Army pessimist Private James Frazer, they could be 'doomed'. Why they are in this mess is anyone's guess as they have some good players in their midst and one or two who never fail to bust a gut. If they drop after a long season they can have no complaints though, the wheat from the chaff is separated over a lengthy campaign and there are many opportunities to get clear of the danger. As said, I reckon they will be fine but the question is - do you believe it and do the lads - watch out for a further installment of this nail-biting drama coming soon. Buster Crabbe - eat your heart out!
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