WHAT THE BRECK!

21st August 2018 - Chadderton FC 1 v 7 Lower Breck FC - Crikey, a full on period I have on my mucky mitts of late, 2 farm trips with the Young Carers, fungi fruiting and in need of attention, halfway through decorating the kitchen, work, reviews and walks to lead as well as a backlog of buggery that never seems to shift.  This was my first visit of the season to Chaddy Land, a place I have frequented many times before and one where I have witnessed some good football.  It was needed tonight after nightly terrors are sending me AWOL and making me work hard to keep on a stable mental track.  Latest installments of nightmarish nonsense have seen me have sex with an elephant, attend a gig with a serious dose of the shits and score the winning goal for Rectal United against the bargain basement team, Haemorrhoidal Young Boys - a bleeding awful side they are too.  I don't know where these nocturnal visions spring from, perhaps eating out of date Pork Pies in bed doesn't help or wearing super tight control knickers (for scientific purposes) is affecting the blood supply to the old grey matter - who knows, I just hope this report is not affected in anyway!  So, we arrived, met up with STP Stu, had a cuppa and a natter and found suitable spots to observe the night's proceedings.  

The air was damper than the armpits of Dickie Davies after a night in a Premier Inn with the snooker Lothario Willie 'The Horn' Thorne and as the ball got rolling is wasn't long before all combatants were perspiring too.  Chadderton came on strong from the off, No 9 (Oumar Camara) was fed and blasted over without really considering his options.  At once we went down the other end with the nippy No 11 (Louis Austin) sending in a looper from the angle that needed a decent tip over.  The corner was swung in, a firm contact was had by the fiery crust of No 10 (Callum Hill), the ball pinged off and had just a little too much uplift.  Austin went on a run for the Breck soon after, another angled punt was the result this time it was a daisy cutter that wouldn't stay on the inside of the upright - it certainly was a frisky start to the game.  Chadderton tried to regroup and rebuild but after pushing forth were caught with their trousers down by a streaking break that saw No 9 (Peter Donnelly) cross to Austin who pulled the trigger and was denied by a lunging carcass.   The guests were far from deterred and like a wasp on a sugar-dipped nipple they were straight back with a final shot saved close in.  A kick from the angle was awarded, the delivery was cherry ripe, the ensuing header strong, on target and responsible for the first goal of the game, Callum Hill was the hit man, it was just what the quack of the glorious game prescribed.

From here Chadderton looked to immediately respond with No 10 (Jack Turnbull) running his nuts off and winning possession in midfield before laying off to No 11 (Ryan Shenton) who struck goalward.  The save was firm enough and from a follow-on corner no triumph was borne. Turnball picked up his conkers, another corner came, to the near post it went and saw No 7 (Jack Snape) touch close in, bring a gasp from the onlookers but only find fresh air rather than the sought after mesh.  From here crosses came at both ends of the park with Chadderton having the better of the play.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a long Chaddy ball went forward, a defender went to wallop clear, No 3 (Siyam Muhammed) hustled and duly got in the way of the clearance.  The ball took a pseudo-deflection and ended up in the net -  fortune favoured the chancer - back to all square peeps.  The travelling team now spurted like a willy with a plumbing problem, Austin flashed along the flanks, played back to his No 2 (Jamie Morton) who cracked in a concrete cross.  A heavyweight  header brought a dazzling save and the ball ended up like a cricketer's escaping teste - loose in the box.  Donnelly for the LB lads was in the right place at the right time and found the target - the lead was restored...and then doubled as it turned out. Just 3 minutes later No 7 (Jay Colbeck) shot and saw a deflection go wide,  The cross that came was knocked out and No 6 (Mason Neviitt) fired home with determined focus.  From here the half settled, some serious work was being put in by both sides with the hosts chasing every last ball but the guests staying firm and not losing their discipline.  Several shots came each way but no further netting was rippled.  As we wandered for a half time cuppa Chadderton applied late pressure, Lower Breck absorbed like the safety knickers of Old Mother Hubbard, no leaks were had.

Tea and a Mars Bar for half time - like The Undertones we certainly needed one and it went down mighty well.  The break flew by, we had barely re-parked our posteriors before the teams were out and at war.

As in the first period Chadderton came out quickest and had the initial sortie forth.  The Breck defense was close-fisted, they gave nothing away but when a period of hard scurrying followed and Turnbull for Chaddy was put through via a superb dissecting pass, it was with disappointment that he saw his shot saved by the keeper's plates of meat.  Turnball was offered a second bite of the dangling cherry (cor blimey, tis almost pornographic) but chose to cross into space that saw no eager executioners.  In a flick of a grasshoppers foreskin Turnball was awarded a dubious free-kick soon after.  No 2 (Samuel Riley) delivered a stunner, a shot was blocked, a wild handball claim turned down and another free-punt was rattled over the bar - by heck Chadderton were having a good go.  A patchy period followed, a few subs came, the home replacement put 2 good balls in but Lower Breck survived and slowly but surely wormed their way back into the contest.  The visitors eventually won the ball, a cross from nothing found the keeper's hands, the hands turned to jelly and the ball escaped and dropped...yes, you guessed it...into the net.  Blooper duper do - never a nice thing to witness, No 2 (Jamie Morton) claimed the goal nonetheless.  

The game was now over as a contest, Breck were still keen and absorbing all threats that were coming from their opponents whilst offering up further potential to add to the goal tally.  On the 80th minute Austin chased an almost lost cause and crossed, a tap home for Donnelly was taken with ease - this was just getting silly.  Next and Colbeck and Donnelly linked up, Colbeck put in the shot, a ruddy good save denied further salt being rubbed into a very open wound.  To give Chadderton their due, they still strove for a strike but as their substitute popped one over a boot downfield saw Donnelly dash in and grab his well deserved hat-trick.  As cool as a cucumber from the dubious areas of Ann Wiidecombes anatomy - and that's cool.  Another Chaddy effort saw one of the subs crack wide and then Breck counterpunch with 2 quick passes that put Donnelly in.  The man in form rounded the keeper and made the scoreline a genuine, 100% embarrassment.  A few minutes later we were done, what could I say, who on earth could have predicted this one.  We wandered off, I pondered Man of the Match and could get no further than Lower Breck's No 9 (Peter Donnelly), I mean 4 goals takes some effort and some skill and throughout he kept focus and in control and got his just reward.

FINAL THOUGHT - Irrespective of banging in 7 goals away from home Lower Breck are a darn decent side and very pleasing to watch with a team unit containing much pace, plenty of quick thinking and a super-abundance of options when in possession.  They work for one another, chase back and seem to be able to soak up pressure better than the underpants of ex-Swedish international and full-time tubbo Tomas Brolin.  I shall seek them out again soon and certainly give them a few more viewings.  Chadderton are better than what the scoreline suggested tonight and have a good work ethic, some quite zipping players and a No 10 (Jack Turnball) who sets a scampering standard to be very much applauded  The cogs are just not turning in unison at the mo though and the team just need to get the noggins down, make sure communication and encouragement is the key and that all areas of the park are used to stretch opponents and keep em' guessing.  I always enjoy my trips to Chadderton FC, it ain't too far and we put in a few visits each season, I wouldn't mind another 8 goals next time, which way is up to the teams to sort out - gauntlet thrown lads!