A TASTE OF PREMIER BITTER

10th September 2019 - Irlam FC 2 v 4 Charnock Richard - If one cares to dangle ones conkers out of the bedroom window on one of these bracing September morns one will note there to be a chill in the air and a certain autumnal dampness present.  This testicular based assessment will surely confirm that the season is slowly creeping into the colder climes when peckers will turn to acorns, nipples will firm up with iced anger and teeth will chatter along many a touchline as madness and enthusiasm dictate.  I still headed out in a T-shirt tonight, my wife had more sense and was prepared for any dip in the thermals, we like our visits to the Ambitek Stadium but over the years have had a few freezings that left a lot to be desired.  The season so far has been productive, 14 matches viewed, 14 reports done and the Nobby Nobson series is now at parts 3 and 4 depending on where you reside.  I have seen some good matches and am hoping the trend continues tonight. On form the home team should run riot after whipping the visitors 0 - 4 on the Saturday just gone.  I expected a closer encounter, then again Irlam are on a good roll and the guests seem to be struggling up 'Shitty River' with only a bent rubber oar for salvation and a vessel that is currently prone to leakage - the first 20 minutes of this one seemed highly crucial and would surely set the stage -  a goalfest would be most welcome though.

At 7.45, after a cuppa had been worshipped and consumed and a chat had with many fine faces who make this place a joy, the two teams bore arms and set to battle.  The first warning attack came from the guests who were instantaneously caught with their trousers down as Irlam counterpunched with killer zeal.  A long ball was chased and won by No 9 (Jordan Buckley), the defender beat, the keeper caught in the Land of Indecision and duly negotiated and the ball slipped coolly home to bring up the first goal of the night.  What a start!  Irlam won a corner soon after, the ball entered the box, was defended then walloped back by No 8 (Liam Morrison) right into the great fading beyond - the pressure on the visitors was mounting already.  

The travelling pack eventually found their passing feet, put together one or two decent moves before No 4 (Lewis Haydock) had a snapshot fly just off target.  The same team continued to dig deep and make a good fist of matters with gratifying touch and movement catching the eye and keeping their opponents honest.  Haydock had another shot blocked, No 10 (Oliver Oxley) had a pop close in only to be denied by a sprawling keeper - yes, this was certainly a good response to that early shocker.  In reply to Charnock's growing belief Irlam had a brief sortie via the blister-inducing pace of their No 7 (Marcus Perry) who left the defender for dead, placed his shot and unfortunately struck the upright - now that was a sincere let off.   The game continued, was perfectly balanced, Haydock had yet another dig for the guests, the spherical object though could only find the meat of the keepers awaiting carcass.

The direct approach of both units was making for a highly animated and intriguing game with many fine performances being had.  Buckley for Irlam was having a great stint, he produced a delicious touch, turn and run and then put a sweet pass through that was clobbered first time and saved by the highly alert keeper.  Things eventually became nettled as both squads battled with earnest.  No 9 (Carl Grimshaw) for the guests rose from the pack and flicked on with the bonse with Oxley hitting a boomer the mittman did well to push away for the corner.  The ball from the angle came, Grimshaw had a free header - it went wide and was classed, by me at least, as a shocking miss.

As Charnock continued to push and the seconds trickled away, Irlam confounded the flow with one last attack of the half.  It was a sweeping and decisive move, Buckley was found out wide, he had space to work in, adjust and have a quick peep at goal.  The lengthy shank swung, the ball was 'twatted' with vigour, the slight bend fooled the keeper and the bottom corner was found - it was a sickening punch to the kidneys of the team striving to get back in this one, as the halftime whistle went one wondered if there was any way back for the CR brigade.

During the break we acquired tea and chips and had a chat with our company for the night, John D.  I didn't know John had started collecting the eyelids of dead squirrels - apparently his collection of 1516 sets was something of a record, tis a pity Norris 'The Squirter' McWhirter is no longer with us or for that matter that chipper chap Roy Castle - collecto-maniac John could have been on prime-time TV for sure - coz he's a 'record breaker'.

Back to the match and with chips invested into the great gastronomic bank and tea confined to the eternal internal plumbing we watched as Irlam were robbed of possession, No 11 (Daniel Regan) was fed and let loose a 25 yard shot that clattered the crossbar.  The ball went loose, Oxley raced in, the keeper was down quicker than Gerald Sinstadt's underpants in a back street cinema - the danger briefly passed!  A Charnock Richard free-kick came next, No 2 (Spencer Kibby) knocked forth a cheeky flick, Regan drilled one and the home No 3 (Dylan Allan-Meredrith) looked mighty relieved to see the ball fly off his head and go behind for a corner from which Irlam survived.  The pressure though continued, a free-kick followed, Grimshaw was in the midst of several defenders and duly tumbled, the penalty award was highly debatable and looked a real 'limp-wristed' decision.  Grimshaw stepped up, shook himself down and, from the spot, found the bottom corner - now this was getting interesting.  

Irlam were well and truly on the back foot, another ball came into their danger area, No 8 (Nathan Fairhurst) had a golden chance to level the scoreline, the header that came had too much downward projection and bounced with peril, into the keepers awaiting mitts.  Again CR came, Grimshaw provided a flick on, a shot followed, a save was had, the hosts were now precariously balancing on a disintegrating tightrope, one slip and things could be rather dramatic.  The first droplets of rain now fell from a darkened sky, Irlam had a break and looked to piss on Charnock's rising hopes.  No 11 (Jordan Southworth) dashed, knocked forth a delectable ball that Buckley looked to bury.  Time was of the essence, the keeper was out quickly and lunged, a penalty claim was waved away, for me the striker went down too easily and marred the chance of a gratis boot.

Alarmed by this intrusion into their rear (cripes) the guests galloped and won a corner.  The ball came in, was flicked on and cleared, another cross followed, the keeper reached and dropped, No 14 (Jordan Darr) pounced like a starving dog on a freshly dumped turd and knocked home to get this game back to situation 'all square'.  

Again and again the visiting vultures swooped, Irlam were scampering like panic stricken prey fighting for survival.  Suddenly a long ball came, the CR talons were bared, Grimshaw provided a choice cushion header, a touch followed, Haydock connected on a half-volley - the ball flew and bang, somehow this game had been turned on its head and the resident team were now 1 goal behind.  No sooner had the lead been snatched than the green and white clad gents progressed once more, Darr snuck in, the keeper was forced to save with the pins and watch a follow up shot by Grimshaw thankfully fly over the bar.  Darr was soon marauding once more, another shot came, the gloved one did well to palm over the horizontal.   A corner followed, was knocked out whereupon an attempted volley was skewed sideways and somehow metamorphed into the perfect pass out wide.  The ball was instantaneously knocked back in, Grimshaw floated in - 2 - 4 - what the Hell was going on here then?

Into the doldrums we now fell, half chances came and went, 3 shots on the bounce came for the hosts, each one tattooed through with utter desperation with the last of the trio being wildly belted into oblivion and summing up the state of play,  Soon after we were done, this had been a ruddy good do with an unexpected outcome.  There were many admirable stints played out tonight but Man of the Match goes to Charnock Richards' No 9 (Carl Grimshaw) for being a persistent pain in the proverbials, for many neat touches, a relentless work ethic and valuable awareness - come the end of the night, his contribution was marvellous and made a big difference.

Farewells had, a brief post-mortem with Irlam's ex-assistant manager (Matty Kay take a bow) and home - this had been a good un, we plan to return next week. 

FINAL THOUGHT -  There is no way one could have predicted this one, even Nostradamus hepped up on goofballs would have been hard-pushed to forecast this 6 goal turn-up.  For me Irlam were just out of sync tonight and in truth, never got the rub of the green and were on the end of a few dubious decisions.  They will be alright though and I reckon will bounce back in fine style when they play their next home game next week which, I hope to be present at.  The season is long and hard, the recent run has been glorious, the test of a good side though is how they bounce back from a knockdown - I am expecting a hearty response.  Charnock Richard were undeniable tonight, refused to curl up and die and managed to rise from the dead quicker than when Lazarus dropped a couple of Ecstasy tablets.  They dug deep, passed with pace and precision and always had options, even when 2 goals down they appeared to be the better side - I think this is a definitive moment in their season and from second bottom they will duly rise with pride. It has been a long while since I visited their ground, on this evidence I am sorely missing out - the diary is bulging like the private areas of an aroused Gibbon - I am sure I can squeeze in one extra bit of footballing titivation - sithee soon folks.