Tuesday, 17 September 2019

BLIP, BOOM - OH BOLLOCKS

13th September 2019 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 1 v 2 Vauxhall Motors - Another local affair today after overbooking myself and being stretched to the maximum.  Some quick maintenance of the wildlife area at the ground was had  early doors before I had a stroll at a local Autumn Fair and recorded some darn fine insects and chatted with some lovely folk.  Eventually my good lady dropped me off at the ground and I nattered with more grand peeps whilst slurping a much needed brew.  Mark Torbitt and his son joined me for a wag of the mandible and good company they were.  Mark was surprisingly chipper even though he had been up in court this week due to my last report exposing him as an Eamon Andrews impersonator.  He was fined 5 shekels, told to pull himself together and sent on a Mike Yarwood self appraisement course - I hope it helps although I couldn't help but notice that Mark had a big red book in his rucksack and his son was talking in an Irish accent.  After receiving teamsheets from Mr Gibbons the club chairman and finishing my cha' I got my trusted pen and paper ready and prepared to scrawl - please feel free to read the following text at your leisure be it in a state of undress, complete drunkness or with a torch, under the bedclothes late at night - you may be surprised at the sensations it can cause.

The greatest animation came from the hosts early on with a greater desire shown than when Casanova stumbled on a couple of woodland jazz mags.  Some good midfield industry was taking place with a few robust encounters and one or two potential breaks only just snuffed out at the last.  Both teams communicated well, the Nomads offered up several long balls to try and summon a chance at a shot but each time they fell just short of the killer mark.  Eventually the guests got up to speed, a free-kick was won, delivered by No 6 (Joseph Heath), touched back by No 8 (Glen Rule) with the ball perfectly intercepted by an alert defender and killing all peril in one clinical swoop.  Another free-kick was dealt with, No 8 (Daniel Browne) for the Nomads was being a troublesome menace and building up a noticeable lather and as per No 7 (Kieren Herbert) was dashing like a Dalmation with a wasp on it's dick.  The latter player was nobbled whilst on a run, a free-kick followed via the tootsies of No 11 (George Blackwell) the accuracy was bang on the mark but the defending was of equal quality.  

The next action saw the host No 9 (Richard Tindall) bust a bollock, running back, winning a ball from nothing, putting in a quick release that saw the recipient just get caught offside - unlucky.  Both teams were staying disciplined in defence and held their shape, the VM machine came on, probed with keen attention and won a free-kick out on the wing - the outcome was bilge.  The Nomads were slowly getting suffocated, the guests were pushing the ball around the park and biding their time.  The Nomads were refusing to sit back, a flourish and a rally, a great run and a nut goalward saw the visiting keeper stretch and palm away.  A return shot was scuffed, cleared off the line with a throw-in following.  The ball came back in play, was knocked back into the box with pinpoint accuracy.  Tindall rose, flicked on and found the net - it was a neat take, it was just a pity the liner had eyes like a shithouse rat and saw an infringement.

From here the Vauxhall Motors pack poured on some molten pressure, the hosts showed a strong resilience whilst the crosses came and thru-balls caused incessant concern.  It all became to much for one bod, a rushed back pass was played, No 9 (Karl Noon) of the opposition read it well, nipped in, negotiated the advancing keeper and slotted home - what a gift of a goal, and with Christmas still many weeks away.  The hosts, although dejected forced themselves on, Blackwell put in a lovely curling free-kick the mitter did well to push round the post low to his left.  The corner that followed was too near the keeper who reached, caught and hoofed down field.  Before the half-time whistle Rule for Vauxhall could have doubled the lead, Cheadle Heath Nomads survived, I think we all needed a break.

I stayed put on my lonesome for the break, had a drink, a bag of crisp and contemplated my navel.  Andy Gray (Nomads Manager) came over for a natter, he still believed there was life in this game yet and his team weren't done - you can't fault optimism and in truth it was indeed true - this was a close contest with one blunder the deciding factor so far - as Andy returned to the dug-out I picked up my pen and paper, drew a picture of a partially aroused frog and prepared to scribble my notes.  Just to add, team Manager Andy has been removing a toe every time The Nomads have been beat this season, the hobble is not an attempt at benefit fraud but a reflection of how the results are going.  If he loses all lower digits its the fingers next and if they go - cripes, my eyes are watering at the thought of it!

Part 2 of the FA Vase fiasco, The Motormen were out sharply, a ball went down the flank that needed clearing.  The hoof away was weaker than the urine of a stickleback (and that's weak) and was played straight back.  No 11 (Michael Burkey) was on it, wasted no time in letting fly - wallop, 0 - 2 - the perfect start for the guests, a real horror show for the hosts.  Now at 2 goals down the resident team were kept on the back foot, Noon poached inward and was denied by a quick thinking keeper, No 7 (Joe Brandon) and Burkey linked up, a panic hoof behind gave away a corner.  The angled punt came, Rule struck on the volley, a passing plane was nearly grounded by the untamed shot.  The Nomads were severely off the pace, composure and some luck was the order of the day.

A scrappy period ensued, quality had done a bunk, fluidity had followed suit and consistency said 'fuck it' and went for a smoke.  From nothing the home No 1 (Aaron Tyrer) belted the ball the full length of the pitch, Tindall battled and almost pinched a freebie, it was a classic example of why a team should chase everything and never give in.  From a Vauxhall corner Cheadle broke and once again Tindall nearly snuck in, he was leading from the front, surely a chance was just around the corner.  Another break saw Herbert receive and look to bury - a block was made, the follow up dealt with and then Vauxhall's Brandon was on a mad foray, the defensive marshalling was outstanding, the 3rd and killer goal was denied.

Into the last 20 minutes we marched, Blackwell was working away, put in a great cross for the Nomadic No 12 (Ashley Harrison) to deal with.  This robust target man is always up for a challenge, his head was put on ball but the attempt was partially blocked.  The free globe was hunted, a scruffy collision came, the sphere was bumbled into the net, the substitute was having it - they all count, new life had been breathed back into this one.

To the finale we hurtled, The hosts continued the honest response, balls came forth, Harrison was nearly in again, the visitors owed their keeper a big thanks for staying awake and snuffing out the chance.  Touchline verbals now came, Brandon for Vauxhall wasn't listening and darted like a demon, put in a sharp cross that Heath hit on the half volley and clattered the post.  The finish to the game was frantic, The Nomads pressed but were flustered and rushed and with one final corner were caught napping in an offside position that was duly labelled 'lazy'.  The referee blew for full time, Man of the Match was a tough one, I was particularly taken by the Vauxhall Motors No 6 (Joseph Heath) who was a rigid component in a very unforgiving defence and whilst monitoring all that was going on around him, he kept disciplined and read the game well.  I stolled away from the ground wondering when The Nomads were going to break this shitty run and how far The Motormen can go in all competitions this year.

FINAL THOUGHT -  The game had been a good un' today, highly competitive with the end result decided by an early blip that put the hosts on the back foot.  Cheadle Heath Nomads are playing some good football, some shit football, some average football all within one 90 minute package that offers hope and is frequently ending in despair.  All they need is to keep the flow, when found, on the up and make sure consistency in maintained throughout each and every match.  I feel they are getting closer, a few lucky touches and the season will turn around - they certainly worked hard enough today and communicated better at times that will undoubtedly put them in good stead.  Vauxhall Motors are a team who seem to play within themselves, do nothing outrageous, avoid flamboyance and go through the motions whilst getting the job done.  They are a well-drilled team, they must be one of the favourites to advance further in all areas but, and a right big heaving 'but' at that - the season is a long one and very unforgiving - they are not the finished product yet and will have to earn their points the hard way and make sure they do not rest on their laurels - the run up to the winter months is a testing time and this is a tough league -just prior to Christmas things will be a little clearer (unless one is hammering the sherry).

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