SHACK ATTACK

17th September 2019 - Irlam FC 4 v 0 Skelmersdale United - A week is a long time in the life of Fungalpunk, I have crammed a lot in and am now fagged.  2 days out shrooming, 2 footy matches, 5 days of work, another 300+ wildlife records input and more CD reviews worked upon - it had been a hectic schedule as per.  I don't blame my busy life for the tiredness though, I blame a pair of Frank Wank's Arousal Shorts that I purchased last week and have worn ever since (inside and out of course).  The vibrating front pouch and rear rectal tickler have had me buckling at the knees on several occasions but I bore it like a man and after 475 orgasms, a brief stint on a defibrillator and a chat with my local GP, I am still hear to tell the tale and warn all and sundry to stick to touchline football for their thrills.  Away from this insight into capricious experimentation and the match tonight promised goals, I had seen both teams of late and reckoned this one looked set to give a 5 strike haul.  I nattered with a few familiars, they seemed to reckon it could be a good one with the hosts needing to bounce back from last weeks defeat and Skelmersdale also having to do the same after a recent cup exit.  Tea and chocolate were had and dealt with, John D accompanied us again, the usual positions chosen, whoosh!

Irlam were immediately springing from the traps, No 9 (Jordan Buckley) was on the end of a long ball and hit it feebly wide, it could have been a replica of last week when the goal was found within the first minute of play.  Skem made sure this early scare was noted and started to pass and play with care but Irlam contained all possible threat and came on strong with No 2 (Andre Stewart) always willing to advance and No 7 (Liam Pollitt) always a viable option.  A ball over the top was eventually played, No 10 (Jordan Icely) latched onto it and shot first time, the keeper's legs were sure with a follow-up attempt too tame to be of any concern.  Pollitt had a dig moments later, it was a fierce lash but had no direction and then both teams acquired an angled kick but threat was nowhere to be seen and we headed further into this close encounter wondering where the first goal was coming from.

Back and forth the action went, each time pushing and parrying but with no decisive stroke made.  By this stage the hosts were growing in stature and just gaining the territorial stronghold. They won a free-kick next, in it came with the mitter having to parry away.  Pollitt jumped to attention, worked a miniscule snippet of space and thumped toward goal with the framework struck.  The ball was loose, Pollitt put a cross back in, Icely had a free-header and looked set to bury - the end result was not even close.

This moment was a catalyst for the guests, they cultivated a few onslaughts.  No 3 (Alex Griffiths) sent forth a whistling cross, alas No 10 (Einar White) was an inch too short and lost a layer of skin off his scalp rather than nutting the ball goalward.  Into the last 10 minutes of the opening half we went, Irlam came again, No 11 (Jordan Southworth) had a half-volley that was reckless and then No 8 (Callum Nicholas) knocked an outrageously accurate ball out wide that was dinked and crossed which Iceley collected, mainatined his composure and coolly slotted home to break the quite stubborn deadlock.  It was a fine goal and got Skem now working with greater gusto.  White tried a long range looper that was closer than first imagined and then No 11 (Liam Wood) lashed a crumper that took a deflection the keeper did outstandingly well to tip over.  The corner came, nowt was doing, a free-kick the same way was blocked and we were done and dusted and ready for a half-time brew.

The tea went down a treat, as did a chat with the ever-amiable Matty Kay who is a font of footballing knowledge and is looking forward to this weekends cup-tie against York City where his young un's will be Irlam's mascots.  Crikey, I hope the nerve tablets are ready - that is gonna be some occasion.  Alas I can't make this fascinating tie but will be hoping the hosts do themselves proud.  

Back to our positions, half two began with Skem industrious and striving to get back into the swing of things.  No 8 (Matthew Coughlan) had a header that was well held by the goalie and a shot that was more than a little hopeful that failed to find the strike zone.  Again the visitors pushed, Irlam looked happy to absorb and try and counter which they did with No 9 Buckley breaking and having a wallop across the face of goal that just needed a crucial touch, alas it never came.  No 3 (Dylan Allan-Meredith) now flew the flank, the threaded ball was choice, the guest keeper just made it to quell the danger.  Several more shots came at the Skem goal, blocks were made, a few efforts were off line, the hosts were hungry and looking to grab this game by the globes and squeeze out a killer move.  

From here the visiting team applied resistance and a pressure of their own, White put in some excellent work, a cross found Wood who touched back for No 7 (Charlie Kelley) to clatter...over the globe flew.  Irlam responded, Southworth put forth a quality pass for Buckley to chase, the keeper was quicker and cleared with a long ball finding Kelly who leathered first time and wobbled the vertical.  Again a counterpunch was had, the resident pack progressed, Southworth had a chance snuffed out and then came again, negotiated his marker and with controlled precision released and found the bottom corner - 2 - 0 - it was a decent goal and provided a cushion very much needed.

The next action saw No 15 (Tom Croughan) for Skelmersdale put in some considerable effort, his choice work ended with a cross to No 9 (John Keatley) who failed to hit the target - poor would be an understatement.  Half-chances continued to come at each end and as the guests pressed with perspired ardour Southworth for Irlam collected at the rear, knocked the ball forth to Buckley who swivelled on a sixpence just in the opposing half, gained a yard on his marker and ran like a rectally relaxed vicar with a dose of the shits.  The long legs galloped, a further defensive bod was bewildered by a series of pseudo step-overs, an extra segment of space was earned and 'crack' - ball buried, what a strike, thank you and goodnight.

As per, from this kick to the proverbials the guests reacted, as per it was a decent move ending with an effort that lacked true conviction - it is surely an area that needs immediate attention.  As we entered the final 10 minutes Irlam changed a few of their personnel a corner was won.  The ball was knocked in with mid-pace, the defense were dozing and No 5 (Ryan Ledson) was allowed to roam inward and nut home to bring up the fourth goal and make this one appear as an easy night's work.  The match wound down, Skem had one last attempt at grabbing a consolation but once again the apex of the move was far from sharp.  When the referee blew his whistle I was left to consider the Man of the Match in the chilled night air and opted for Irlam's No 4 (Charlie Doyle) who kept a low but effective profile, was consistent throughout, worked with undying effort and was a hustling and bustling component in an outfit that are really doing well for themselves with a future looking rosier than the arse-cheeks of a well-spanked Pope.  I headed home after the match slightly chilled but at the same time warmed by the decent football going on down Silver Street way.

FINAL THOUGHT -  Prior to this game I predicted a 4 - 1 win to Irlam, I am claiming this a minor victory as it is the closest I have come to a right result for a ruddy good while.  The game itself was closer than the scoreline suggests but Irlam always seemed to have the sharper edge and looked most likely to score - which they did, on 4 occasions in case you have dozed off or need to get off to the lavatory.  I like the home side and enjoy my visits to their ground.  They always try to play football, have a good strength in depth and even though they had a distraction with a big forthcoming cup-tie they put in a good stint tonight which says more than what you think.  Skelmersdale may be in for a tough season, they need to sharpen up on the attacking front or they will pay a very severe price.  They do have many hard working players, one or two who seem on the brink of busting the net several times over - I think the next 3 matches could be highly crucial - I will be checking the scores each and every week and hopefully watching this unit again very soon.