ANTICIPATIONS AND OUTCOMES

27th January 2020 - Maine Road FC 2 v 2 Cheadle Town - After a day of mooching in mud for fungi and peering Heavenward at the birdies I cycled homeward and arrived on the doorstep looking highly similar to The Swamp Thing.  The afternoon was spent proof-reading the latest book I have written, identifying fungal specimens and scraping off the aforementioned slutch.  I had a film on whilst typing up some wildlife notes, a drama known as 'The Night of the Big Heat' - by heck it was filled with sweating people and aliens - a bit like a recent Extra-Terrestrial Orgy I had attended but one which I had misread and thought it was an Extra-Testicle Orgy.  The surgery prior to the event to insert a third nut in ye olde sac of conkers was a complete waste of money and one old dear was so appalled by my swinging trio of globes she had to be treated of PTSD - Post Teste Stress Disorder!  Ah the hazards of balls in abundance, I best stick to the usual two but tonight thought it best to have my eye on just one, the inflated type, one kicked hither and tither by 22 perspiring bods as part of what I deemed to be a tantalising affair.  The two units on show were both in form, promotion was like a dangled donkey's dong before a farmer with strange desires - I was highly interested to see who would reach out and clutch the shaft of throbbing promise - I think the farmer is not alone in his quirked leanings.

I arrived in good time, met up with some expected faces with and ascended and descended the mandible. Tea was a veritable must and then out into the night air we all wandered.  Predictions were made, the Jimmy Hill Todge of Destiny I mentioned in the previous report was used once more - the advice given was of a 3 - 3 draw - game on!

Cheadle Town started brightest, a low corner was cleared but immediately redelivered with the nut of No 9 (Patrick Davin) not making any significant contact to trouble the meshed area.  The same team maintained the impetus, soon after the glabrous pate of Davin was nutting the ball on with No 7 (Ben Steer) collecting, cutting in and shooting,  The effort was blocked, Maine Road burst forth like two weighted buttocks from a pair of unforgiving Speedos.  No 9 (Jack Coop) was at the climax of the counter with his own shot blocked and a follow-up dig defended with a hulking tackle of unapologetic proportions.  From here we went down the other end of the park, the troublesome Davin had another header, this time mere inches out but he could only nut over the horizontal - surely a goal wasn't too far away!

The Town were now like a thumbscrew and applying relentless pressure.  The ball was seen to be knocked around the oppositions box with the Boys in Blue dashing around like lepidopterist's trying to net an elusive scale-winged rarity.   The globe eventually fell to the feet of Davin, he had his back to goal and was tightly marked but with a quick swivel of the hips and a mere sniff of goal he turned, struck and sent the ball towards the bottom corner of the frame.  The home keeper fell, reached out and his fingertips made contact with the rolling sphere - alas it was not enough, 0 - 1 it was and what a good strike to get the scoresheet blemished.

Moments later a Maine Road midfield error saw Davin in again with time to pick his spot.  A low effort came, the keepers shanks did enough but the one way traffic kept on coming and the hosts were in danger of being run down and left in the gutter with their lifeblood of recovery trickling down the drain.  In the midst of much persistent mither the hosts had the odd sally forth but all to no avail as the well-drilled opposition stood firm.  Before the intermission No 11 (Benjamin Brooks) for the guests was fed but hit the ball on the bobble and only earned a quite controversial corner which bore no fruit and then Coop for the home lads was released and exhibited good strength only to fire his effort against the mitter's well spread legs.  That looked to be that until a free-kick for Town was had, Steer struck with great bend, it seemed a cross, no players made any contact and the keeper misread the situation - the second strike of the night had been had and on paper the result already looked out of reach for a very battered and bewildered resident unit - oh what a Doubting Thomas I am.   Soon after it was time for the break - and very much needed it was.

I stayed put during the interval and nattered to my comrades - we were all in agreement that this had been a one sided affair so far and Maine Road would have to work harder than a colony of Termites on piece-work to make any impression in this affair - were we to witness an unexpected change around?

As the teams came out our hopes of a more competitive match were dashed as Cheadle Town continued from where they left off and somewhat ruled the roost.  Steer posted a good ball, Davin flicked on, a follow-up header went straight at the keeper.  Coop for the hosts had a good run next, as soon as the globe was collected the head went down and a charge was on.  The shot was shy of the upright but a flicker of hope was cultivated - maybe...just maybe! 

From here the home team exerted themselves like a constipated elephant begrudgingly entered in a Dung-Dropping Contest.  They were in danger at all times of being caught on the hop with one such moment causing great anxiety via a resident defender who nearly put the ball into his own net.  Thankfully the ball went behind for a corner from which No 5 (Warren Gaskin) had a flick header that flew mere inches wide.  The hosts continued to perspire sanguine fluid to get back into this one when suddenly No 15 (Jamie Roe) fed Coop and a chance looked to be on.  The ball had a little too much impetus and the opportunity was lost but the flow was maintained, another thru-ball came, Coop pounced and wallop, 1 -2 and out of nothing this game had taken on an all-new aspect.

The game was now truly alive with the travelling pack filled with trepidation and an unexpected uncertainty.  Thankfully they had a very regimented defence with their No 2 (Cavel Coo) a very unassuming and effective player.  Onwards we went, The Road were playing with pace and battling for every 50/50 ball, something they hadn't been doing for a lot of the game.  The energy and animation now reached new heights, the onlookers were utterly absorbed as the end result was still far from confirmed.  From much mush and mither the hosts managed to get hold of a loose ball that was duly clattered at goal.  The keeper dived and saved but failed to hold, Roe was on it quicker than a Tapeworm on a freshly swallowed Custard Cream, the angle was tight, the punt taken - 2 - 2 folks, this was a better comeback than when Liberace headlined the Denbigh Dale Social Club after being accused of shoplifting from Eddie Arkwrights Family Butchers (what a shocker). 

Of course it goes without saying the final dashes and dramas were frantically fervid, it also may be added that many folk were on the edge of their seats and those stood up were sporting noticeably clenched posteriors but, as it turned out, the draw was the end result, a result my good lady had called thus moving her to the top of the 'Virtual Predictor League', a league so virtual that its veritable existence is dubious.   And so, from a cracking exhibition of hoofing I pondered the Man of the Match and opted for Maine Road's No 5 (Louis Edwards), a player who sometimes goes unrecognised but a player who gets stuck in, plays with strong discipline and one, who during the game, kept his team competitive, full of belief and playing with the right attitude - I like that!

FINAL THOUGHT - You pay your money, you take your chance and you never, ever know what you are going to get when watching a Non-League game.   Tonight the first half saw a fine Cheadle Town team play some forthright, dominant and unstoppable football that showed why they are in such a rich vein of form and indicating that next year, they will be one of the team's vying for promotion.  The first 45 minute display was one of the best away performances I have witnessed this year - if they can keep their players fit and together the future looks rosier than the caned arse of Billy Bunter after being caught on a scrumping excursion.  Maine Road are also on good form but the first half of this game indicated there is much work to do and no team should be kept on the back foot for so long if they have ambitions of loftier places.   Today they were given a harsh lesson but pure fire-in-the-belly passion, strict discipline and a remarkable work-rate salvaged the day - it was mighty impressive to say the least.  I personally think the team need a bit more height and a stubbornness not to get dragged out of their playing style.  Having said this, the team's method and approach to the game is admirable and one always arrives at a game with high anticipation and leaves still uncertain as to how the outcome turned out as it did - what a bloody marvellous situation to be in!