THE CASE OF THE BUGGERED SAINTS

31st January 2020 - Golcar Utd 5 v 0 St Helens FC - Our first visit of the season to Avro's ground was done with temperatures indicative of a world heating up and, judging by the indifference, ultimately doomed.   After a busy day at work I nipped home through clement air and had a swift tidy, sorted a few odds and ends and awaited the return of my good lady from her own day of labour.  We had a swift tea and prepared for the night's game - the conditions being almost tropical I packed my anti-sweat muscle undies just in case.  This was going to be the 59th match of the season, I was going to try and stop roaming off track during my scribblings and try and maintain a bit of focus and stick to me onlooking detective work.  Alas, this was easier said than done when I noted a Frank Canon (William Conrad) look-a-like in the clubhouse and another bloke sporting a Theo Kojak (Telly Savalas) tattoo.  I was immediately reminded of the time I went to an Ironside convention and was duly groomed.  Horrors of a one-eyed Raymond Burr fan wheeling after me whilst stark naked in his chariot of love came to my addled mind and let me tell you, I have never trusted the San Francisco Police since.  I could also add tales regarding a rubber Pepper Anderson (Angie Dickinson) and a period of my life when I thought I was Sam McCloud (Dennis Weaver) and ended up getting bummed by a well-hung stallion - oooh, the chills and thrills of it all.

So, with renewed determination to keep on the straight and narrow and avoid any further delvings into Detective-based deviancy I cracked on with the report.  I expected a good game from 2 teams playing away from home as the supposed hosting team's ground was not holding up well - I think my bet on an away win was a sure-fire cert!

On pastures of 4G the first rank to reward themselves with a moment of opportunity were the The Saints with an early range-finding shot coming via the No 10 (Neil Weaver) who, noting the keeper off his line, could only send his low shot wide of the mark.  From here Golcar sprang a trap, the pressure was put on the Saint's keeper after a back pass was played.  The keeper, in a moment of panic, tried to boot clear but struck his own player with the ball falling to No 7 (Frasier Beckett) who coolly tapped home.  The trailing team looked stunned and tried to clear their crusts but 5 minutes later they were in a certain pickle again as a lovely cross from the angle came via No 2 (Dan Stocker), a sugar-sweet nut back into the danger area followed and No 4 (Grebb Porter) was left to pick out the bottom corner with composed precision and double his side's lead.

The SH pack were now certainly rattled, akin in fact to Lieutenant Columbo who failed to solve the 'Riddle of the Missing Umbilcal Cord' when stationed in the maternity wards of Minehead.  Time was needed to regain some level-headed thinking and get the ball at their feet.  Alas they found themselves on the back foot moments later when a long ball found Beckett who touched off to No 10 (Michael Tunnacliffe) whose first time shot wasn't that far off adding a third and killing the game stone dead.  Another ball came into the SH zone of peril, the defending No 6 (Moses Yoak) swung the shank and miscued with the ball looping up, hitting the inside of his own goal and somehow ending up in the arms of the keeper - ooh the crabby devil.

The game now paraded a masque of normality with the lads on the shit end of the soccerised stick wiping their hands and getting a firmer grip on matters.  Yoak had a dig that was way off the mark but it was a sign of hope, something his comrades needed desperately to cling on to.  Despite gaining a foothold in the game the SH pack were soon on the back foot again after more disarray in defence.  A ball came, a shot from nowhere and a block on the line was needed and then The Saints progressed, Golcar's Porter was robbed, the thief was pointed out as Weaver who played the ball to Yoak who was only denied by a well-sprawled mitter who duly blocked the decent struck shot.

The final stretch of the first half was served up with little in the way of excitement, the ball was belted this way and that but no further hair-raising action manifested itself - the break was welcome and as we supped warming fluids we were wondering how on Earth Saint Helens would get back into this one.  Where there is hope though, there is a way, and even when Miss Marple (Angela Lansbury) failed to corner the Mad Monk of Muldoon after several trying attempts eventually, her arduous and determined endeavour paid off and the balding recluse was finally ensnared in a state of undress in Fat Rossiter's Greasy Chip Shop in ye olde Twattington Town (I will not mention what devious acts were being carried out with a battered sausage due to legal red tape but believe me, it would make the eyes of the Devil water and that's for sure).  You see though, the message is clear 'never surrender' is the motto, who knows what success can be summoned from seeming failure!

The game restarted, the side void of goals were having a bit more time on the globe, the only hindrance was that many passes were telegraphed and gave the opponents the opportunity to read the play and intercept any danger.  Back and forth we went, No 9 (Obua Mugalula) dashed away on a SH counter but even though the cross was the right ball to play the impetus was too high and Golcar United remained unruffled.  A melee of midfield action ensued, it was a sticky period waiting for a moment of inspiration when suddenly a Golcar ball was played, Tunnacliffe executed a perfect dummy which allowed the driving No 15 (Adrien Igelski) to move forth and bury the ball into the bottom corner of the net - kaboom, it certainly looked like game over!

A certain abandon now took over the game with both teams showing desire for very different reasons.  If one cared to look under a focused lens (perhaps used by that great solver of crime, namely Sherlock Holmes) one would see Golcar United to be keen to keep the opposition on the back foot and add 'nobs-on' to the current three-goal haul whereas St Helens played with a need to save face, grab a consolation and just rekindle some waning belief.  The action continued, the SH No 8 (Joseph Clark) sent a free-kick straight into the keeper's guts and Golcar sped away with great haste.  Tunnacliffe was the apical component but the end shot was deflected into the side netting.  The corner, as it turned out, was wasteful.

More corners came for the team on top, one needed firm gloved assistance to snuff out further problematic scenarios and then a great threaded ball found the green-clad No 11 (Ryan John-McHaye) who only had the SH mitter to beat.  The protector of the meshing was rounded, a dig at goal executed but SH's No 2 (Stephen Brown's) tackle was resolute and of a certain A-grade class that made sure no further leakage was had.  More corners followed, more shots came, the pressure was on the pack in the cack (I do apologise) until Yoak was let loose and went on a strong run that was disappointingly finalised by a wild, wild lash into the great sable beyond - note made - you must do better sir!

The clock was ticking, the ball was in a place of no concern when Igleski for Golcar spied goal from distance, let fly and picked out a quite pearling strike.  It was a layer of icing on a very well-baked cake, it was the goal of the night, it was insult to injury for the scrambling Saint's squad.  Before the final toll came Yoak went on a superb run for the Blues that dissected the United defence but again the end execution was lacking (just).  Straight up the other end of the park we travelled, a one on one with the keeper saw the luckless man between the sticks beaten but the post come to his rescue.  Alas Lady Fortune was being a nasty old bint tonight and the ball fell to No 12 (Josh Shields) who tapped home, brought up the 5-goal tally and finished any hope of a miraculous turn-around for the well beaten Saints.  Soon after the night was done, we hadn't expected such a one sided scoreline, these Non-League events never fail to baffle - it goes without saying the pre-match predictions were not even close (although I did predict 5 goals).  Man of the Match goes to Golcar United's No 2 (Dan Stocker) for being an immovable force, a strict disciplined player and a willing option whenever the play moved forth - variety is the spice of soccer life and this hoofer certainly added his two-penneth worth!

FINAL THOUGHT - And so, one side whooped, one side winning with ease and yet, so many questions unanswered.  I called upon Miss Marple who was in attendance tonight, she was clueless, I put the case for both teams forward to the eminent C. Auguste Dupin who remained void of solution, I even consulted the notebooks of Jim Rockford but answers were sorely lacking.  My own investigatory procedures and due scribblings were finally used and for me St Helens just lacked ideas tonight, were caught cold early on and never really recovered. Again a lack of width seemed to create concern, a rigidity in the rear was an ongoing niggle and support when sprinting forth was slow in coming.  There are positives though the team is laden with players who have quick feet and an abundance of pace, the key is to counterbalance this with some height, strength and positional composure - the squad though is way down in the league and looking to be in a spot of bother - they can still escape but it is going to need some very strict focus.  Golcar United did the business tonight and looked a team with potential.  Tis hard to judge them on tonight's performance as the opposition were sorely out of sorts but with games in hand and confidence high they look set to finish the season in the top 10 at least.  The positive factors are the team's communication, camaraderie and consistent efforts when in possession and when chasing the ball - this should always make them competitive and a unit to take seriously.  Despite winning by 5 goals tonight I do believe they could sharpen matters up front, if they do, by heck, who knows what the outcome could be!  

And that is that, 5 goals to finish the month and home in time to watch a late-night edition of 'Hawaii 5-0'.  Another busy month of doing done by us, another month of doing nowt constructive for many had - as in the words of Steve McGarret though 'Fuck em' Danno' and carry on doing!

NB - The Mad Monk of Muldoon has just received 6 years hard-labour for crimes against the banger, he will also be receiving psychiactric assistance from Professor Bratwurst of the Allantoid University - he has my sincerest best wishes!