A NEW MONTH, A NEW START

1st February 2020 - Cheadle Heath Nomads 1 v 2 Barnton FC -  A sewerage worker, a rectal doctor and a dung beetle - 3 very different examples all brought together by one common denominator - a denominator that could very well-include the teams on show today.  You see being 'in the shit' can be a profitable way to operate - the sewerage worker earns his crust, the anal examiner gets his kicks and helps saves many a prolapsed posterior and the coleopteran specimen has a place to have a bit of nookie and indulge in choice nutritional goodness.  Alas for Cheadle Heath Nomads and Barnton FC it is not the place to be but, in light of recent results, there is a distinct whiff of defecation in the air and if both units don't pull their socks up soon then certain tootsies could be wading through the reeking brown stuff with no hope of escape.  And so, after a morn of tapping keys, having a blow-out on the punch bag and stretching ye aged framework I pootled down to this local ground with hopes high of a match activated by - 'shit-fleeing urgency'.  STP Stu was there early doors and we chatted along to many fine folk who make this ground a pleasure to visit.  Concern was in the air as well as a gentle nip donated, as per, by Old Mother Wafting.  Positions were chosen, and once again, predictions made - one day some bugger is going to get the scoreline just right but I am not holding my breathe for fear of popping a few alveoli during the lengthy wait.

And so a new month began, a time to dust down and start a good run or wallow further in the mire, I think there is only one option to take but sometimes one is not given a choice.

The start to the game was frantic between two clashing colours with the claret clad hosts working up a steam against the citrus green of Barnton.  Early pressure came from the home pack, numerous balls were punted forth keeping the opposing unit on their toes and honest.  A corner and a shot into the dishwater sky was all that the hosts could offer until a ball over the top saw the home No 6 (Ashley Crank) calling for the keeper's assistance who duly arrived too late on the scene.  No 7 (Rio Gill) for the travelling team accepted the unexpected gift and sweetly stroked home to put a splinter in the arse of the hosts buttocks of hope.

From this early upset the Nomads pressed.  A free-kick was nicely delivered by Crank with the guest keeper needing to indulge in a good fisting (cripes, and on the first day of February).  Another ball came, a handball claim rent the air, a free-kick on the edge of the box was the outcome.  Crank placed a shot from which a bit of cranial ping-pong ensued.  Eventually No 8 (Daniel Browne) had a punt but the outcome was off-line.

Browne was soon in action at the other end of the park when an excellent ball found No 8 (Matthew Rigby) who put in a neat cross that looked destined to be followed up with a crack at goal.  The tackle that thwarted this opportunity was utter class.

Some to-ing and fro-ing followed, Barnton had a surge with No 10 (Eden Gumbs) at the end of a decent move with a low drilling effort speeding by the wrong side of the vertical.  Unexpectedly, from a moment of stodginess on the far side of the pitch, the globe was leathered across the field by a home bod.  No 11 (Joseph Knight) was found in space with just the keeper to beat and without hesitation he did just that and levelled the scoreline with a surefire thump - parity had been restored, but who could rise and find the next lead strike?

The arse end of the first period saw great combat take place with Barnton nearly escaping but halted by a clumsy tackle that brought the first yellow card of the game.  The guests were undeterred, a free-kick was earned and chipped forth in such a manner as to create noticeable defensive panic.  Gill collected, watched his marker slip and sent in a cheeky cross for No 9 (Connor Anderson) to nut home!  

The remaining minutes saw a few tasty tackles fly in, a couple of half chances and then the break was upon us.  A wander for a brew and a natter with click-o-matic Mark Torbitt who roams the local grounds taking pictures for us all to enjoy.  I particularly enjoyed the full length nude he took of Cheadle Heath Nomad's Chairman George Gibbon although reclining full-length over a lawn Tractor surely contravenes Health and Safety Regulations. 

Back to the game, the second half saw both sides get stuck in with the first crack at goal coming via the toes of Crank for the hosts who failed to put enough 'oomph' and direction onto the propelled orb.  No 7 (Kieran Herbert) lashed over next and then No 10 (Charlie Mulgrew) was allowed to run free and only had the mitter to beat.  The visiting No 1 (Aaron Lyons) was down like a sack of shit laden with lead weights, the block was effective and the ensuing shot by Knight wasn't even close.

Angled hoofings came each way, a couple were filed away under the tag of 'wank', the others were deemed half decent but not worthy of further scribbling.  Barnton had a flourishing period with No 2 (Ryan Bottell) coming close when getting on the end of a free-kick at the back post.  The effort was off target but the threat from the guests was still there thus keeping the opposition on their tootsies. 

From a turgid encounter no real sightings of goal came,  Knight tried to lob the ball over the keeper from close range whereas a straight drive would have been the better choice.  The ball fell without cause for concern - this game is all about making the right decision at the right time folks.  Nomadic corners followed, No 15 (Phillip Yuille) got his bonse on the end of one but the keeper was waiting and gathered without fuss.

The final push from the resident ranks came, as per Herbert was a shining example of passion and drive but Barnton were a solid, determined wall today and as we went into time added on and to the final whistle the only real effort to bulge the net came via the visitors when a galloping sub was denied at the very last by a roaming keeper.  Seconds later and it was all over, the 3 points were going down the road and we had witnessed another minor shocker at the ProSeal Stadium.  Man of the Match goes to Barnton's No 10 (Eden Gumbs) for being a problematic bugger, an incessant galloper and obvious threat and for having a great name - almost Dickensian methinks.

FINAL THOUGHT - So, Barnton were second bottom of the league, are still second bottom of the league but have given themselves a sincere hope of escaping situation 'Shitsville' with a good spirit shown today and an ability to smash and grab and then protect all that has been earned.  They will have to still dig deep over the coming weeks but this win, if quickly followed by another, can really turn the season around and get them out of a rather sticky spot.  Good luck to em', it won't be easy but there are plenty of reasons to suggest that their grasp at escaping the drop will be successful.  Cheadle Heath Nomads are struggling, of that there is no doubt and in many areas confidence and discipline are lacking.  A few players stood out todaym namely No 7 (Kieran Herbert) and No 5 (Luke Taylor) but overall what is transpiring isn't good enough.  The defending needs to be rigid, the midfield played with more space in mind and the front areas strengthened by a real off the ball 'buzz-bomb'.  I hear the chairman is thinking of turning the ground into a Pickling Factory if things don't turn around soon and all the players will be chained up and used as cheap labour.  If this is not the ultimate threat I don't know what is - in the meantime, the next match is another critical encounter with an away trip to Alsager the task awaiting.  Will the squad be returning home with hearts filled with renewed hope or will they be travelling back in fear of all things Gherkinised' - I wish them well.