WINNINGTON WAYS

25th January 2020 - Newton Athletic 1 v 3 Winnington Avenue 94 FC - There is a classic yarn called 'The Monkey's Paw' that was first publised in 1902 and written by W. W. Jacobs.  It concerns an elderly couple who are granted 3 wishes by the said artifact of the title with disastrous results the outcome.  I have read the tale many, many times over the years and always wondered what I would do if given an effigy that would grant one 3 dubious wishes.  A couple of weeks ago I had been approached by a one-armed Hunchback who was selling a few items of interest to make ends meet, one such item was a blackened and shrivelled relic that appeared to be a dead man's finger.  I enquired what the piece actually was and was told that it was the dried penis of Jimmy Hill and if one were to acquire it then 3 correct football scores on the bounce could be predicted.  Of course I was convinced, exchanged money for member and after receiving instructions on how to use the prophesying pecker made my way home.  Today, after a morn of mooching and doing, I took out the wish-making willy from a locked drawer, held it above my head, uttered the prediction of 3 - 2 whilst turning around three-times and passing wind to affirm my desires and then safely locked it away and set out to a game to see what would transpire.  I am not a superstitious man, just simple and hey, even if the questionable cock doesn't work I am sure there is someone out there will to pay a few quid for certain phallic abominations.  

So, after a morn of nature mooching and seeing the 12th British record of a Western Siberian Stonechat we arrived at the chosen ground in good time, had a catch up with Paul Owens (club secretary/joint first team manager and general doofer) and partook of the usual liquids and victuals before picking a viewing spot.  The day was looking dull but was far from freezing and as per, we were hoping for a game to warm the epidermal expectations and beyond.

The start was steady, both teams played with caution before the home No 9 (Dan Christian) had an early hoof that was lashed recklessly wide.  In an instant, Winnies No 7 (Craig Humphries) was given the ball to nut onward but the cranial contact was poor and the keeper remained unflustered.  From here the guests had a good period of possession before Humphries was neatly played in but thwarted at the last by the home No 7 (Liam Bradley) who put in a choice last ditch tackle.  A corner came, panic ensued and two stabs at goal came with the keeper just flinging his carcass in the way and making an unorthodox double save.  Newton reacted, a bonus-booting was given with the ball leathered into the wall and leaving a visiting player prostrate.  As soon as the defending bod was upright again the guests advanced, No 5 (Scott Ravenscroft) sent in a firm driller to the keeper's midriff and once more Newton responded with Christian running his marker and firing across the face of goal, much to his vocalised disgust.

This was a well contested game, both teams seemed on the cusp of making the initial breakthrough, the question was - who would it be?   Ravenscroft put his lofty bean on a cross next but couldn't ripple mesh and then a ball out wide was played in and No 9 (Michael Evans) struck first time but was denied by No 4's (Alex Martin) rock-solid tackle.  

A period of fractured football followed, both teams stuttered like a whizzed up Patrick Campbell of Call My Bluff fame.  The resident ranks were next to push, Christian displayed nimble feet whilst cutting in and letting fly.  The travelling mitter No 94 (Joe Chatall) decided to palm away and rely on some defensive clearing which he duly received.  Soon after Christian provided another ball into the zone marked 'perilous', the initial recipient got the ball stuck between his feet before it ran loose and No 6 (Adam Pownall) slapped home with convincing authority.  1 - 0 it was and the team with the lead came soon after with a dream ball releasing No 11 (Ben Woodman) who had a first time shot snuffed out by some fantastic defending by the away No 4 (Tom Chubb).  The corner went in and out quicker than an asthmatic's chest after a diarrhoea-induced dash to the karsi, with a handball claim about as convincing as a Harvey Weinstein alibi.   Towards the closing stages of the first half Newton remained on top, a few free-kicks were won but came to nowt - we were done soon after, this was not a bad do at all.

A quick nip for a brew and a piddle and back out we came to have a chat with an away fan who was supporting his son.  A ruddy nice fellow he was, I like these non-league moochers, they are a cut above and not afraid to stand in the cold and watch some good old hoofing - tis better than sitting at home, reading a back issue of 'Bare Arse Bonanza' and squashing flies - you know it makes sense to get out on the touchline and leave your sausage and swatter alone!

Half-two and from the kick-off Winnington swarmed forth like a gathering of shit-hawks hearing news of a recently dropped bowel movement.  A cross came without further ado, Evans was waiting, given time to prepare his nut which he duly did before headed neatly home.  This equaliser put the hosts into mode 'panic' whilst the guests had a new found spring in their step.  A free-kick for the Winnie Warriors followed, Ravenscroft's header was deflected just wide.  A corner was delivered, knocked out and volleyed back with the looping effort also taking a deflection.  Another angled kick-in came, Evans was given time to put crust on globe again - the outcome was wide of the mark, Newton Athletic were now playing with fire and in danger of being blistered.   The guests travelled onwards, a ball came to Evans who looked to be in a rather unthreatening position - not so!  The marksman took one touch, turned and smashed the ball into the top corner from all of 20 yards - what a wonderful strike, what a way to turn this game around!

The hosts now needed to wake up and get to work and this they did with a free-kick won.  The ball was delivered, No 10 (Lewis Davenport) put head on ball and was clattered in the process - he fell, stood up and ran to the touchline.  The conk had been bust and was lying at a 90 degree angle to his boat-race - the bugger was all set to continue but was duly substituted, what a shit day indeed - I hope ye be back to your sniffing best very soon.

Newton now dug deep, No 15 (Matty Osbourne) was a new release valve, all that was needed was a bit of final-third composure.  The game became hectic, The Avenue were looking the quicker team in all areas and showing a greater desire.  Having said this, the home 'erberts were showing they were no mugs, Pownall had another pop at goal, this time via the noggin but the guest mitter was in the right place at the right time.  

A bit of argy-bargy followed, a few tempers rose a few notches on the emotional control scale and the odd yellow card was brandished with Newton Athletic always on the wrong side of the law.  Again Newton summoned a charge, a deflected clearance fell to No 8 (Lewis Dennan) who posted back a firm drive that strayed away from the vertical and then, after a free-kick, No 3 (Jack Dennan) had a tame shot the keeper held with ease.  Newton started to clutch at straws, a couple of corners were won, there was no joy had.  Suddenly we were in the arse end of the affair, Winnington had the ball in the corner, were striving to kill time, a cute nutmeg was executed a foul committed - the decision, penalty!  Many raised voices and gesticulations were ignored, the ball was placed and No 10 (Toni Sneyd) slapped home in the bottom corner to put the game to bed.  Seconds later the referee blew, a coming together of both teams saw snarls, foul words and several pushes ensue - all died down and I was left to contemplate the Man of the Match who I decided to give to Winnington Avenue's No 4 (Tom Chubb) who played with wilful and headstrong resistance, was in the right place at the right time and who worked his conkers off from the first to the last - and why not!

After thanks to the aforementioned Mr Owens, a quick piddle and a chat to the Winnington fan who turned out to be the penalty takers Dad, we scooted off homeward with another fine Non-League jaunt enjoyed.

FINAL THOUGHT - 2 teams, 90 minutes of persistent action.  Some grand peeps met, a chance to see folk having a go and all for sweet FA.  These are the reason I like supporting these clubs and doing a report so as to try and spread their word.  It is genuine and utterly enjoyable and right up my DIY punk street.   Today Winnington Avenue 94 FC came, got stuck in during the first half when the going was rather tough, bounced back from the restart and once in possession of the dangling gonads of the game they never let go and squeezed out a good 3 point prize.  They are top of the league, today their stubbornness showed why, they are a team who can grind and pounce which is never a bad thing.  Newton Athletic could have put this game out of sight early on, they failed to take advantage of their opponents slow start and let a few chances dissipate into the murky beyond thus leaving them with only a 1 goal advantage going into the break.  All the team needs to do is play at their own pace throughout the 90 minute period and when on the backfoot not get dragged out of their own soccer-style and stick to what they know best.  I think both teams have rosier futures, they look capable of moving up a notch and me and the missus both agreed that this welcoming ground is worthy of more visits - crikey, that's another one on the repeat list - well, someone has to, tis all worth the effort, hey and if we see another new avian species next time around that would be 'tweet-tastic - footy fantastic' - tha' never knows!