21st January 2020 - Stalybridge Celtic 0 v 1 Vauxhall Motors - The second match on the bounce, this one seeing 2 teams compete in the 2nd round of the Cheshire Senior Cup, another contest in this multitude of tournaments that I struggle to keep up with. I do know One Eyed Jack Flange has recently won the Inter County Tiddly-Winks contest and will face Eddie 'King Thumb' Blithe in a highly anticipated 'Wink Off' and that Clitorina Clamp has recently been knocked out of the Hairy Canary Tennis Tournament in Southport due to a snapped knicker elastic and a severe pubic-rash - you see, my finger is on a few other pulses besides the football one.
After a long, busy day at work I arrived home and clattered the punch-bag to relieve some inner stress before having a bite to eat and stretching ye olde carcass. The bean had been in a bit of a stew of late, long winter days don't help so forcing the issue is a veritable must and so, when the better half arrived home we made great haste and headed out to a ground unmolested by our peeping eye and my scrawling penmanship. STP Stu joined us, we purchased warm brews and nattered about many things. Predictions were made, I was outlandish in mine, I blame the uppers I am on and the fact that they don't mix with PG Tips. I was sure that before the match was over I would be seeing purple chimpanzees and orangutans with day-glo arses - it wouldn't be the first time I can tell ya.
Eventually with the insides thermally pleased, the outsides cruelly nipped, the game got underway. I was on a good run of mesh-billowing delights of late, it would be mighty grand to keep that run rolling!
The start was quiet with Stalybridge mustering an early onslaught via a free-kick, a dangerous cross and a corner - all 3 incidents gave birth to bugger all and set a precedent for most of the game. The tempo increased, the mist advanced and receded as the players huffed and puffed and the home No 4 (Ross Dent) was resoundingly clattered. Play was allowed to flow on, No 9 (Darius Osei) drilled a shot that the keeper saved without dew on the brow and then the recently tumbled Dent was resurrected and sent in a lovely strike that was tidily tipped over the horizontal. The corner came, it was free from threat - on we go dear readers.
Stalybridge, who were now having the larger share of possession prowled and pounced once more. Osei was released and had several chances to shoot, he was far from trigger happy, the chance went begging! The Motormen were gradually getting pushed deeper and deeper but were showing a tough resilience that was keeping the game void of any real thrills and making for a veritable stodge-fest. Saying this, the hosts busted many guts to try and cultivate a chance, No 7 (Scott Bakkor) was a perpetual menace but all the time was well-marshalled and given very little space in which to work.
The closing stages of the half soon beckoned, a rare shot for the guests saw No 9 (Karl Noon) fire wide and then, at the other end, No 11 (Neil Kengni) streaked away like a butt-plug addict being chased by a Prostate Doctor and delivered a cross of tantalising merit. Bakkor arrived, got the slightest of touches but failed to find the inner meshing - as you were folks. The final action came, a ball into the guests' danger zone saw the keeper punch and a last minute clearance follow and to close matters a corner was played short, No 8 (Tony Whitehead) whipped in a cross and the mittman gathered to keep the game void of any goals.
The break was welcome, as was the brew. We three tooters wandered to the opposite side of the ground and took another seating position. We didn't expect any change in proceedings, the theme had been set, it could be a case of 'one goal wins it'.
The start of period the second saw Vauxhall Motors display a good desire and eventually win a gratis-hoof. The posting of the globe into the perilous area was of choice standard with the incoming striker just a little late in making any killer contact. The Bridge responded with a bonus boot of their own. The ball travelled towards goal, the keeper tipped sweetly over and the resultant corner was best deemed as 'shabby'. Again the hosts trespassed into territory deemed 'promising', Bakkor darted between two defenders like a rabid fart escaping the clutches of some very unyielding buttocks. A glimpse of goal was generated, alas all hopes of a breakthrough were banished as the visiting No 5 (Tom Mitchell) produced an exemplary tackle. The corner came, a touch out, a touch in and the net was bulged, tis a pity the liner saw a stray bod in an offside position.
Deeper into the match we went, a midfield foot-slog ensued, again The Bridge found the net, again it was ruled a 'no goal' - was the night destined to be strike-free spectacle? Suddenly, after a pause in play the VM unit won a free-kick which was taken in great haste. A player was tumbled in the box, the referee had no doubts and pointed to the spot and up stepped Noon to bury the ball and put a potential shocker at the forefront of every onlooker's mind.
The hosts now became desperate, Vauxhall played at their own pace and threw in a few antics to help slow up the proceedings. From the mire very little in the way of clear-cut chances came with Stalybridge making most of the running but Vauxhall Motors showing a stout-hearted determination to expose no cracks (unlike the Fred Pontin Nudist Colony in Chumley where an overspill of vulgar nooks and crannies are to be seen). The next effort on goal was borne by the boots of the guests, Noon was at the helm, the shot was deflected wide. The following delivery from the angle caused a touch of fuss but was eventually cleared with a few tasty tackles flying in and of course, the expected gobbology. To be fair the lads in the lead easily held their own and the last gasps of the game were seen out with very little concern leaving the home players disgruntled and their fans looking slightly pissed off. The Man of the Match tonight goes to Vauxhall Motor's No 5 (Tom Mitchell) who was just a cut above in defence and played a hard but fair game, produced some quality tackles and read every situation well in advance of it becoming a serious problem. I think the fella illustrates why his team are doing so well.
FINAL THOUGHT - And another game done and one that will not be filed in the memory banks as 'a classic' but one that will be slipped into the folder labelled 'Upset' with a special gold star in the corner to commemorate the visiting teams efforts. For me, Stalybridge lacked ideas and when faced with the VM set-up just couldn't find the answers to a very confounding puzzle. The hosts played with good zip at times and moved the ball with eager tempo but too many mistimed runs, several stray balls and just a lack of extra thrust when needed cost them dear tonight - sometimes shit happens, the key is dusting down and making sure the next run out is 100% more effective. I can take nothing away from the Vauxhall Motors crew tonight, they came with a plan to work hard, remain rigid and make sure the game stayed as tight as a selective mutes lips. They worked darn hard to sneak though into the next round, to win this cup though they will have to maintained the standard. I wondered if this was possible, on the way out I consulted one of the aforementied hallucinated primates - the response I got was 'Ook eek banana' - we shall just have to wait and see.
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