RAM-RAIDERS

1st January 2020 - Trafford FC 1 v 2 Ramsbotton United - A new start, a new year and on the first day of this annual cycle a new football ground to visit.  After a usual morn of tidying, exercising and sorting out many tasks (as per) with 'On The Buses' on for good measure, I got dressed and strolled down to the train station, counted a bit of wildlife and caught a clanking passenger carrying tube to Manchester Oxford Road and then another to Urmston.  After a 20+ minute walk I was at the ground in good time and made sure I got an early brew in with a Hot-Dog escort that slipped down the gullet like a blind mega-worm into the feeding orifice of a ravenous filth-hawk.  It would be good to start the year with a goal glut especially having been starved of net-busting action at the latter end of 2019, in fact the only net-busting action I witnessed was to my next door neighbours string-vest after he went on a Mince Pie bender - he started the festive period at 11st 4lb, he finished it at a whopping 20st 8lb and with a hefty bout of constipation - luckily his good lady saw this potential blockage of the bowl and brought him a new set of rectal spoons for Christmas as well as a robust block of Fanny Craddock's Sweating Butter - what a thoughtful lass.

And back to the game, this looked like a contest all set up for a score draw, I was adventurous in my pre-game prediction and went for 2 -2, I was on my lonesome today, I fuckin' knew that Anne Widdecombe ball-Type Deodorant I got for Christmas was no good, thankfully my mate John D was collared as was an old mucker of mine known as Gassy and his good lady.  We all took up our positions and with the game kicking off in grey, mid-winter perfection we watched matters unfold with the usual eagerness.

The first team to gain any semblance of ascendancy was the guests who worked the ball well and stroked it over the well-kept surface hoping to find that all important gap.  No 9 (Reuben Jerome) had the first dig, the defending was rock solid and the hosts continued to stutter and splutter and offer has much bite as a toothless Albert Steptoe.  The away team soon progressed again, No 2 (Reece Fishwick) surged into the box like a stickleback with a whizzed up anal-fin working overtime (it happens).  No 11 (Nic Evangelinos) was in the right place at the right time and slapped home with steady aplomb although the keeper was unlucky not to make the save.

From here Trafford had to suck on the marrow of deficit and work darn hard as Ramsbottom ruled the roost with quick, mobile football.  No 10 (Josh Hmami) was at the important end of the next move, he found space close in, looked to have a chance to double the lead but was denied by a superb last ditch tackle.  Trafford eventually grew into the game like a fat man into a pair of rather inflated under-duds.  Having said this Ramsbottom won a free-kick next with the ball neatly delivered and headed on goal, the save was solid enough though and after Evangelinos lashed one way over and destroyed the local Magpie nest Trafford started to have a bit more joy up front.

A long ball came for the hosts next, it nearly caught the Rammy keeper out when he missed the bounce.  It is an understatement to say the No 1 (Tom Stewart) looked mighty relieved to see the globe trickle past his upright - ooh the lucky blighter.  Trafford came again, No 2 (Jake Kenny) put in a sweet cross, No 10 (Lewis Walters) put crust on sphere, the keeper however saved with little fuss.  Walters was released minutes later, he chose to tumble rather than dash on, he got a gratis boot for his troubles. No 9 (Jordan Johnson) took command of the situation, the punt at goal was of good pace and accuracy.  The keeper reached high and tipped over, the referee deemed it to have come off the horizontal - myself and many others were convinced that the man in black needed his eyes testing.  A couple of hoofings later and it was time for the break and the man with the whistle was given a white stick and semi-aroused dog and duly found his way to his changing room..

We stayed put during the interval whilst my mate Gassy rested his legs.  It seems he can no longer stand for any great length of time after trying to go around the coast of Britain on an electric pogo-stick,   The juddering and pinging not only ruptured his ringpiece and destroyed his testicular arrangement but totally ruined the circulation of his lower limbs and caved in several major arteries.  His good lady kept him company whilst myself and John D chatted about a variety of subjects including detective novels, recent non-league developments and the satanic properties of Ronnie Corbett's penis.   Before things became too profound the teams came back out and we 4 onlookers were back in position.

Ramsbottom started the second half brightly, No 3 (Joel Amado) for Trafford was lucky to escape some pressure when he kicked fresh air and the ball was eventually dealt with and then, from a Rammy Free-kick, the resident pack broke with high impetus, Walters played a pass that was followed by a cross to No 11 (Darius Palma) who was in acres of space and just had the mittman to beat.  The shot came after a brief pause, how on earth the side-netting was struck instead of the inside of the goal is still beyond me - a truly abysmal miss.

Trafford emerged next from a sticky patch, No 15 (Sam Grimshaw) posted a sizzling cross, the incoming striker was missed, the drill back towards goal went wide but this was better and making the visiting team think a little deeper.  Johnson had a close-in header next, the guest mitter kept his peepers on the ball and saved well.  Grimshaw was used several times more, a shot was flashed wide, several crosses went to waste and at last Ramsbottom United managed to cultivate a few onslaughts of their own.  No 12 (Daniel Naidole) blitzed one over the bar and then a very pleasing move was had, No 8 (Jamie Rother) finished matters with a cheeky shot that was unfortunate to hit the crossbar.  

Into the last 20 we went, Ramsbottom were eager and pushing the ball with purpose.   They advanced into the danger zone, Evangelinos received, exposed some tricky feet and picked out a pearler into the top corner of the goal - the lead was doubled, it seemed to big of a mountain for the hosts to conquer.  Hmami could have added a third minutes later but the keeper's sprawling carcass did enough and then, as we entered a snifter of extra time Trafford gave one last push.  Ramsbottom sat deep, the ball fell to the feet of the Trafford No 14 (Max Hazeldine) who wasted no time in sending forth a great steamer that found the net and was designated as the best strike of the game.  We seemed set for a grandstand finish, Trafford won one last free kick from the corner, the ball came, the danger was dealt with, the referee said enough was enough - 1 - 2 it was.  Man of the Match goes to Ramsbottom United's No 2 (Reece Fishwick) for keeping his eyes on the ball, controlling his own given area, consistently snuffing out danger and always seeking the best option and more often than not...finding it.  Keep up the sound work man!

FINAL THOUGHTS - 'Of Human Bondage', 'Great Expectations', 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles and even 'Rustler - The Rectal Special' are all consider classics of their genre, the game between these two teams may be written about but it was a long way of earning such a meritorious title.  It was a hard-fought, well-balanced game but no team really shone and in many ways a clash of styles negated matters and made for a middling mush from which the right team emerged victorious.  Ramsbotton United have been on a roll of late, they are better than what they displayed today, (my mate Gassy assures me of this) and have many solid players in their midst that could just help them make the promotional grade.  Sometimes, like Quasimodo dropping a £5 jackpot on a retro Bar Fruit Nudger, you gotta win ugly, I think Ramsbottom emphasised this point today, next time though, I want more.   Trafford FC have a good set up, the ground, the facilities and the ambience, they just need a little more 'oomph' on the pitch.  As a neutral I seemed to sense a team out of sorts and just not ticking over with any conviction.  In their ranks they have some real eye-snagging players - I thought No 5 (Sam Egerton) put in a solid stint and Walters up front is surely going to find many goals throughout the rest of the season.  The key now is to get back to basics and remember how they started the season and what their most effective assets are.  I will be back here, it was a good jaunt out, even using public transport.  Once again, I will be expectant of more - I am the ever-eternal greedy non-league bastard - and there ain't nowt wrong with that!