MORE PRUNES PLEASE

12th February 2020 - Runcorn Town 1 v 1 Hanley Town - The fact that Runcorn Town doesn't have under-soil heating, doesn't provide all on-lookers with pre-heated slippers and doesn't offer half-time massages for those parts of the body suffering from shiver-shock didn't deter me and my good lady from attending tonight's game.  We understand that teams at this level are on a tight budget but imagine our shock when we were asked at the gate to blow-up the match balls, give the seats a quick wipe over and donate 50p towards replacement underpants for the managerial staff - by heck times are hard!  We did our bit, I even offered to donate my personal 'Charlie Drake' underpants with a 'Hello My Darlings' message embroidered onto the silken gusset.   The man on the gate happily settled for a signed photograph of the said star though with, he says in a sinister whispering voice, a phone number.  After a call in at the clubhouse, a warming brew and some scrummy chips we wandered to our sheltered sitting points and awaited the game.  We both fancied a home win although Hanley Town are always liable to throw the odd spanner in many team's works.  We hunkered down, the wind was keeping quiet, the claws of Old Uncle Nipple Nipper were a greater concern, oh we hardy and insane Non-League watchers, I am sure that enthusiasm can be a dangerous medical condition at times.

At last, the clock crawled to 7.45pm, the two battling factions indulged and all eyes were on the galloping legs and the frequently wellied orb with the hope that a bulge in the netting would be viewed many times over.  The first squad of competing doofers and hoofers to have a glimpse at goal were Hanley Town who, after much scampering, won possession and put in their No 9 (James Melhado) from a tidy flick on.  A quick turn was executed, a free-kick earned with the bonus booting struck by No 6 (Timothy Sanders) who sent in a sweet dipper that clattered the crossbar.  The game now took on a distinct pattern with Hanley trying to play on the deck and thread through dissecting passes whereas Runcorn surprisingly kept punting the ball long trying to release their ever-willing No 10 (Craig Cairns).  It was the guest's tactics that produced the next pop at goal with No 7 (Neil Cope) sending in a low driller that the keeper saved with relative ease and then Runcorn had their first serious sortie forth with a resultant corner punched away but returned by No 8 (Shaun Weaver) who was unlucky to see the ball stay just a little too high.

A drab battling period ensued with about as much excitement as the love life of Pope Peter Flaccid and Mother Freda Frigid.  It was a testing time for the punters with the on-pitch constipation in need of a dose of the old footballing prune juice.   From the dull disarray Hanley's Cope had a decent run and shot that wasn't too far off the mark but very little else came in the way of sphincter tingling animation.

Eventually, towards the latter end of the first 45 minute spell, urgency began to rear a tentative head but as both units nibbled at the dangled carrot of success, no true chomp was had and the stubborn deadlock held firm.  Hanley did have one last flourish with a free-kick entering their opponents box and really causing unexpected panic but the hosts survived and the scoresheet remained unblemished.

We stayed put for the break, by heck it were too cold to move.  My good lady had a chat to our dancing daughter in London whilst I nattered to a few nearby footballing enthusiasts.  All were agreed that this game had been 'crap' thus far and needed a real rocket up its arse - here's hoping.

The second half began with decent impetus, the visiting No 2 (Harry Goode) had a solid early dash but was tumbled in the corner and duly ignored by the man in black.  From this moment we had an upsurge in a certain eagerness to get forward but both teams were guilty of telegraphing their passes and allowing the opposing team to snuff out any potential problems.  Shots eventually came at each end of the pitch, No 8 (Oliver Putnan) for the visitors had a short run, cut in and passed to Sanders who sent in a turf-grazing fizzer that the mitter saved with little fuss and then the home No 11 (Kieran Holsgrove) sent forth a similar shot that again was blocked by an unflustered keeper.  Hanley came on again, Cope rifled a strong shot that was deflected onto the post and behind.  The corner that followed was delivered and met by a steaming header but was alas, wide of the mark.

The game bumbled on, Runcorn's No 15 (Kevin Exell) chased down a ball and clashed with the keeper.  Many voices were raised, it looked a fair attempt at getting a semi-loose ball to me, the referee was of the same opinion, carry on folks.  Runcorn reacted, a swift move saw No 12 (Danny Byrnes) at the apex with his shot deflected for a corner that was ultimately wasted.  Suddenly, from the struggling shittery Hanley Town raced on, a low cutting ball flew in from the angle and as Runcorn were caught in a state of uncertainty Cope slapped the globe home.  The game needed this goal, it perhaps went to the better side, the onus was now on the resident ranks to move up a level.

Minutes ticked by, the dregs were soon upon us, Runcorn were now darting around like ferrets trying to get their teeth into a nude trampolinist's nut sac.  From out wide a hopeful ball was tossed into the Hanley box with the situation seemingly harmless.  For some reason all defender's and the keeper stood still and allowed Weaver for the hosts to stroll into space and nut homeward - it seemed a form of suicide by the travelling team, but no matter, the game was back to all square and the final minutes were to be utterly manic.

Several bookings followed, a few tempers became frayed, Hanley had 2 free-kicks, one punched away, the other a blazing shot that thwacked the underneath of the crossbar, hit the line and was finally cleared.  Runcorn immediately raced away No 6 (Joe Holt) was floored in the box, a penalty shout was waved away.  The hosts came again, a ball in saw Weaver nut back and Exell indulge in an overhead kick that ended with the ball falling at the wrong side of the post.   With seconds left Runcorn's Weaver had one final punt, the keeper fumbled, breath was held, but the ball was finally hoofed away and that was that.

And so, chilled to the marrow, not a classic game and a draw the final outcome.  Man of the Match was considered and No 7 (Neil Cope) for Hanley Town was given the nod.  A composed player with a good touch, an eye for space and an ability to create danger from the least expected situation - surely a doofer to watch.

FINAL THOUGHT - Well, the chips and tea were great, the programme one of the best I have seen, the journey to and from the game as smooth as one could wish for - but the game, by heck it were a grueller.  Runcorn Town looked uttterly one dimensional tonight, lost out on too many loose and 50/50 balls and just lacked that crucial Plan B and spring in the step to make any real impression.  Is this a case of mid-season blues and a touch of tiredness or was it just an off-night that any team can get even when flying high.  I always enjoy my trips to this ground, it is a favourite but I was a little let down by the home team's efforts tonight  but hey, shit happens.  Hanley Town are in the mire, are not playing well but tonight did enough to cultivate hope for the rest of the season and give themselves a springboard on which to build.  There were many player's who I noted to have a quality touch tonight, at times they played with liquid movement and if it wasn't for the pesky framework they could have easily won this one with relative ease.   The only worry is, their opponents were out of sorts and they didn't capitalise - take note lads, get them sharp-shooting boots polished and when a pair of vulnerable conkers are dangled - grab em'.