ANOTHER LOCKDOWN

6th October 2020 - Wythenshawe Amateurs 1 v 1 Cheadle Heath Nomads -The most local team to me are the Cheadle Heath Nomads, a few miles down the road are the Wythenshawe Amateurs - some would say I could support either, thank goodness I am the eternal neutral.  For the game tonight I envisioned one team dangling their dongler of promise in the hope of impregnating some away meshing whilst the other side were looking to shrivel their opponents snorkel and give birth to a few onion bag ripples and collecting 3 all important points.  Some would just say both teams were looking for a win, each to their own but give me a genital-based comparison any day of the week.

A swift tea prior to the match was had due to the home timetable going 'knockers up' and consisted of 3 pieces of buttered bread and a lemon cake.  I was dropped off at the game by my good lady, was way too early and so had a pootle for some fungi.  I found a few species and much rubbish dropped by weak minded people who obviously are suffering from a deep-rooted misery and a lack of brain power - tis a pity but there ya go, so much for evolution.

I eventually arrived at the ground, met up with STP Stu where we negotiated a crystal-maze-esque Covid circuit to get a brew and burger (cheers Stu), met up with the amiable Mark Bennett and picked our viewing points.  A few familiar Nomadic faces were nattered with, ex-boss Andy Gray was looking chilled and happy, no doubt chipper after the recent court case had cleared him of trying to enlarge his player's testicles by the use of hormonal injections.  This was a fair decision but the fact that he had tried to change the team's name to Cheadle Heath Gonads was just plain silly.

So, predictions were given by several folk, the sway was towards the hosts, I was indeed thinking along similar lines, this is what went on and how many were once again, chewing the chips of humbleness.

The opening period set a rapid tempo, a tempo that was to continue for the full 90 minutes and which had me wondering if Mr Gray had been at it again with more strange injections.  Despite much lung-busting urgency the only crack at goal came via a free-kick from the guest No 6 (Ashley Crank) which turned out to be poetically 'wank' (Pam Ayres eat yer heart out).  The game was certainly hectic but from the midfield porridge came little in the way of any defining chance.  No 7 (Dean McGregor) had a low pop for The Nomads which the keeper held at the second attempt but other than that my ballpoint had little chance to ejaculate forth any inky descriptions.

As time advanced the Wythy lot settled themselves and began to probe a little deeper into their opponents territory.  From distance No 9 (Craig Billington) chanced his shank and in truth was unlucky to see the ball skid just wide of the wooden upright.  Talking of wooden uprights, did I ever relate the tale about Pinocchio and that stripper from Hartlepool, keep reading these reports, it will happen.

The gruelling contest continued, again the hosts came on with No 2 (Damian Skolorzynski) weaving a wicked path, beating several players and dinking in a quite tempting cross.  The ball bounced once, begged for attention but was left untouched and duly rolled to safety - it was a golden opportunity methinks.  From a corner soon after the delivery was dealt with but immediately reposted with No 5 (Thomas Horner) rising and having a free nut at goal - how he missed is anyone's guess!

After more Wythy pressing the travelling pack broke in rapier style with a cross eventually coming and No 9 (Richard Tindall) there to bury.  Again the globe failed to bulge meshing and the stalemate persisted.  At this point I was reminded by Mr Bennett that he had seen 177 matches on the bounce without a 0 - 0 draw - enter the nasty bastard known as Mr Law-of-Averages'.

The half seemed to be done and dusted and not willing to drop a sprog of success until the guest No 3 (Jack McConnell) galloped like a good un, made the end zone, beat his mark, entered the box and was vulgarly tumbled.  A penalty was given which Tindall hammered home with resolute authority - this was just what the game needed.  The hosts had one last attack before the break but it was snuffed out at the last by a superb tackle by Crank who seemed to have put the early free-kick shocker well and truly into the bottom drawer labelled 'forgotten'.

Peep, peep - the whistle blew and rather than queue for a brew we found other things to do - namely cough up the cud and chew.  Crotchless knitted underpants, the Victor Kiam fuzz-away and Bird's Angel Delight were all discussed as well as other trivial matters like the outcome of the game.  The teams eventually took to the moist baize, Wythenshawe were out like eager beavers, would the timber of the Nomads hold, that was the all important question.

As the home lads darted their accuracy of passing let them down and this was due, in great part, to the industry and passion of the Nomad's off-the-ball intensity.  Eventually it was the visiting team who advanced, Tindall was denied off the line, the ball was floated back into the net but joy quickly dissolved into disappointment as an infringement was spied.  The Amateurs won a corner next, it didn't even beat the first man!  Another corner followed, it was noted as 'garbage' and the game pressed on.

Still the Nomadic work-rate was high which gave no time for the WA pack to dwell and create whilst in possession.  Another deadlock took hold, the clock progressed and all the while the leading unit looked to be seeing this one out.  Suddenly a free-kick was awarded to the hosts and when the delivery came and beat all ascending heads it looked as though the danger had passed.  Not so, as the ball came back in from the back post and No 8 (Rory Fallon) somehow bundled the ball home - what an unexpected occurrence.  The Nomads looked miffed, soon after the Heavens opened and the guest ranks were soaked and suffering too - tis amazing how things can quickly turn to shit.

Momentum now swung with some gripping end to end action that never brought the sought after glory.  Another Wythenshawe corner failed to beat the man at the neat post (work to be done methinks) and as the game progressed into the final gasps it looked as though the Cheadle Chaps wanted this more and seemed the most likeliest team to snatch the winner.  Alas the closest they came was when McConnell broke free on the flank, cut in and sent a shot cum cross right across the goal mouth.  The chance was there for a poacher but it was another chance lost.   Soon after Billington sent a tame shot at goal the other way and then we were done.

Farewells were given to the company tonight, myself and Stu ambled off and considered the evening's events, we both felt that Cheadle Heath Nomads had been diddled but as some recompense the Man of the Match goes to their No 3 (Jack McConnell) for a solid stint, some great attacking prowess and a good reading of many a situation.  Contributions like this did indeed deserve the end 3 point win - hey, ho, maybe next time.

FINAL THOUGHT - Amid Covid madness that is affecting many brains another football match was squeezed in and enjoyed.  I could go on here and state that if we don't look after the planet it is all a temporary reprieve anyway and things will stop for good mighty soon - but is anyone really listening!  Back to the game, Wythenshawe Amateurs were kept on the back foot tonight and forced to rush what they did due to the sheer incessant animation of the hard-working Nomads pack.  If the hosts want to make an indentation into the league table they need to get up to speed mighty quick and make sure they don't get put on a rack.  Cheadle Heath Nomads have had a change of personnel but the season is still destined to be a tough one (if indeed it runs its full length).  There are many teams with dosh, many teams ready to make a push and many teams who will battle equally hard.  Having said this, the attitude and the sweat poured was admirable tonight and if things continue as such, they should hold their own on many occasions.  I will see them quite a few times this season, in between pottering here and there, keep watching these reports - I will be scribbling about a few successes too and I will be clearing up the tale of the wooden upright - ooh me ebony member.