TOWN DROWN THE SALMONERS

10th October 2020 - AFC Darwen 0 v 2 Runcorn Town - The weeks are flying by, there be madness in the air and wide eyed mania is seeing many heads crack under this social pressure.  Remember though, there are a bunch of keys dangling from the waist of Good Man Hope, keys that can open the doorway to salvation and many successful surprises.  One key leads to the realm of creation where one can switch off by writing, drawing, making noise or perhaps whiling away the hours with sculpture, ooh yeah making some plasticine worms or Play-Doh peckers.  Another key leads to the heady realms of Wank-O-Topia where one can bathe in the perversity of the flesh and tug away the time.  This latter option can lead to more mental stress though especially if the globes have not undergone a lengthy undulating training spell - boom, bounce, boom.  One certain key however, opens a doorway to a world of hoofing, doofing and general sporty brilliance and this is the world of Non-League - the one we shall be concerned with here.  Be careful though when opening the wooden gateway that you haven't made a mistake and ended up in the world of Premiership Football - now that would be truly horrible, especially if Tony 'the Rubba' Gubba is in-situ - the nasty git.  Today I had used my own personal lock-turning device and found myself down at the Anchor Ground with my good lady and STP Stu.  It was a FA Vase fixture and looked like a crippler to call.  After purchasing tea and chips seats were taken and a healthy crowd (I hope) turned up.  After some idle chit-chat I produced my ball-point (now, now you degenerate swines) and scribbled the following analytical report.

The opening segment was somewhat quiet, both teams looked to pass and play without any great success.  No 9 (Leon Creech) for the hosts was having a bright start and held much promise but it was his opposite number (Lewis Buckley) who had the first punt, albeit into the wild, grey yonder.  The first chance at goal proper soon came when the resident No 1 (Stefan Holden) indulged in a sketchy clearance and Town's No 10 (Ryan Cox) tried to launch one into the vacant net but missed by mere inches.  Darwen responded with a corner.  The ball was delivered, No 3 (Matt Johnson) found the ball at his tootsies but it came all too quickly and the chance to bury was soon a passing memory.  Another Darwen corner came, another blazed cross was the result and again it was too quick for any potential takers - surely we were getting close to a net bulger!

From here the visitors grew further into the game.  2 solid crosses came in quick succession, the first was touched on and resulted in a fine save, the second was nutted away by an alert defender which led to a Darwen reaction. The hosts passed firmly and truly, they progressed into their opponents box but were denied a shooting opportunity.  Eventually, when the ball was outside the rectangle of peril No 8 (Sam Knowles) let fly but couldn't keep his shot below the horizontal.

The hosts pressed again, No 11 (Jamie Edwards) showed great tenacity in midfield and pilfered the globe. A short surge, a pass and Creech collected, set his sights and propelled a beauty.  The visiting mesh protector (Adam Reid) kept his orbs on the trajectory and produced a top class save.  The corner was wasted, Runcorn were soon galloping with No 3 (Matt Johnson) feeding No 8 (Dale Jennings) whose shot was neatly saved.  The loose ball was bumbled wide - I reckon we were in for one tight encounter.

Time rattled on, No 10 (Ryan Steele) weaved a merry path through several defending bods, akin in fact to a rather aroused bullock amidst a field laden with nob-hungry farmers - it does happen - as the poem goes 'Farmers Giles was full of smiles, whilst his best prize bull, suffered from piles' - suspicious hey!  Eventually Steele ejaculated a shot, the power of the product was middling, the mittman saved with relative comfort.  

From here minor pops at goal came but all with little threat.  Steele for the hosts followed up from a duff free-kick but blazed over and Runcorn had a feeble penalty shout - other than that - there was bugger all to get worked up about (well, unless one ponders the aforementioned farmyard antics).  The half-time whistle eventually blew; this was still on a knife edge.

There was no movement from we three watchers at the break, we sat, waited, contemplated - would the home team press on, would the guests absorb and counter and would Boris Johnson spontaneously combust anytime soon - here's hoping.

The game soon restarted, Town sprung quicker than a bag of spring-loaded love eggs fired up the exposed orifice of a bent-over porker.  A curling shot came at the end of the lightning move, it was not far off the strike zone that was for sure.  Darwen came next, a corner was played to No 7 (Rio Wilson-Heyes) who showed neat feet with a quick turn and shot.  The release though was like the handshake of local thin-man Peter Pipe-Cleaner, and lacked any real power.  Runcorn returned the attack in kind, several passes followed with Buckley providing the crucial 'can-opener'.  A cross was made, a deflection had and there was Cox to nudge the ball home.  This wasn't a classic strike but they all count - now what were Darwen made of?

The hosts were quick to make advances forth, Steele darted and delivered, Creech looked set to bury but No 5 (Marcus James) produced an exceptional defensive tackle.  The visitors grew in confidence, won a free-kick that produced FA and which duly led to a Darwen break that saw Creech finalise with a shambolic shot after being tumbled by Wilson-Heyes.  Steele took the free-kick, the ball had good bend but just flew the wrong side of the vertical - a shame, a goal would have made things very interesting indeed.

Darwen now had a good spell of pressure but Runcorn were as tight as a Nipple Fly with a droplet of freshly lactated milk, they were giving nothing away.  No 6 (Sidi Fofana) was having a good game for the hosts but when in possession, lost the ball, looked to regain, lunged and was issued with a quite outrageous red card.  It was the wrong decision, it was a real blow to the trailing team’s hopes, the referee, I think, had made a real 'bloomer'.

The clock was now against the team behind; the problem was they were just not making enough chances.  From one opportunity the hosts were caught on the hop, Buckley was at the helm, had a quick sprint and was bumbled to the floor without ceremony.  The referee pointed to the spot - no not the one on the players arse, the one that was where the ball could be booted goalward free of charge.  Holsgrove took charge of the situation, rattled the ball home, 0 - 2 - I reckoned that was that!

The rest of the game whizzed by, Darwen offered little at the apical part of matters, Runcorn stood firm, similar in fact to an erection dipped in plaster.  A last gush for Darwen saw Edwards denied at the very last and soon after proceedings were done.  The Town had come and done just what needed to be done, the Man of the Match though goes to AFC Darwen's No 3 (Matt Johnson) who was concrete at the back, snuffed out many potential breaks and surely saved his team from a real embarrassing arse whipping.  I know it wasn't your day chap but your stint was still a good un'.

After the game we headed home although this non-mask wearing bugger had to take a leak in the nearby shrubbery.  Thankfully the Nettles are not at full height so, unlike Darwen, I remained un-stung.

FINAL THOUGHT - Runcorn Town were efficient today and even though they were in a match that was a 50/50 tussle, they still came out on top with the win.  This I feel was down to enduring tenacity, a great rear-guard composure and some ball-busting off the ball chasing.  At times their opponents held good possession and were pretty slick in their passing but the Runcorn lads dashed and darted likes dogs with two dicks, in fact add a few more dicks to that tally and you may envision the effort thrown in - nob-tastic I'd say - is there any higher compliment?  AFC Darwen lacked one thing today and that was the final killer touch.  They moved at times with fluent grace and high precision but when it was time to strike they were like fangless Cobras trying to penetrate rather toughened buttocks - there was no chance of making any impression.  They may be downhearted with the end result but there were many positives to take from the game and on those they must concentrate.  The passing at times was liquid, several players had a great game and I felt, on balance, they should at least have earned a penalty shoot-out.  Alas tis all about finding the net and if you fail to bulge the meshing, then you fail to win the end prize, in this case, a tie in the next round.  

We shall certainly return to this ground. I think the place deserves at least one wanker at the anchor - let's do it again, sooner rather than later.