22nd May 2021 - Denton Town 7 v 0 Newtown Athletic - And so, after a break due to the viral invasion and having been weighed down with many tasks, the time has come to pen a new football report. The approach, after this latest rules-riddled lockdown is to pick and choose where I scribble but still do what I do in the same flowing and ad-hoc manner. During a time when it has been proven that many need a good jab up the arse to get them moving, rather than one in the arm, I have cracked on and taken on many tasks and strove to do what I do for things I believe in. Now, the football assessments I hope, will maintain the quality despite dipping in quantity - we shall see.
The day began with a heap of natural history tasks tackled, a quick tidy and a few tasty victuals thrown down the grub-tunnel. My good lady dropped me off for the match as she was off to her mum's to take some shopping and see how the aged relative was doing. I met STP Stu and we adopted hand-picked positions after brews and chips were acquired. I decided to watch the match on one leg whereas Stu was going for the upside-down angle - from these body straining contortions I have managed the following account whereas Stu attempted to drink a warm beverage and only succeeded in burning his globes and creating a hefty neck cramp. Note must be made that teamsheets were acquired via Denton 'Love Lips' Dave Starkey, who seemed to be doing a lot of itching down below and calling the referee a few rather uncouth names - make of that what you will. Jimmy (the customer service guru) also from Denton joined us but refused to contort his physical framework, he claimed that his arthritic anus was giving him gyp, such are the hazards of riding a Penny Farthing to and from matches.
The game began at 1.15pm, my digits picked up a chosen writing implement (a penis pen from Blackpool of course) and started to ejaculate the inky semen across the awaiting page. The initial action saw the Town push and probe with No 10 (Shaq Lewys) nearly sneaking an early goal but the contact made was rather limp to say the least. Newton scrambled around, earned a free-kick that saw the ball go forward, backward and then towards goal via the toes of No 8 (Marc Moorfield) who could only find the keepers middle gut. The game continued at a middling pace, No 9 (Caylem Bateson) for The Town had an average pop that really didn't trouble the mitter and then No 11 (Liam McDowell) had a dig after a sequence of good passing but again, the gent between the uprights was there to collect.
Denton were now in control, No 4 (Phil Yuille) stroked a delicious ball to McDowell who posted a cross that Bateson pounced upon like a vulture on a dying flasher's nob. The contact made was adequate - 1 -0 it was. Soon after this strike a corner for Denton saw No 7 (Lewis Loughman) finalise with a shot that went wide - the question on everybody's lips was did the keeper make a save? The referee said 'no' - get on with it ya bastards.
Newton were offering little although some dithering Denton defending saw Moorfield for the guests nearly nip in and cultivate a chance - the ball however decided to quell rising hopes by rolling into the dead zone. Next and Newton had a go at flapping at the back with Bateson allowed to have a punt that was thwarted by the outstretched peg of No 18 (Ross Kelman). McDowell for Denton had a shot saved next and then a break came for the same squad with Lewys placing a pass for Bateson to lash and the travelling No 1 (James Artell) to neatly deal with,
The half wound down to the break in the same below par state. 2 Swifts flew over, it was the quickest action seen so far. A couple of shots came at either end before the break, there was no penetration of any netting (unless you count a local yokel's nipple protruding through his string vest) and that was that. This was far from a thriller.
Tea and a chinwag - 3 of us were of the opinion that an upsurge in action was needed, we didn't consult the other 3 in attendance as they looked to be enjoying 40 winks.
Half two and lo and behold, something akin to urgency was invading the game. A free-kick to the leading pack led to a moment of panic that the Athletic lads look relieved to survive. Denton continued to build but were falling into the trap of too many passes pissing in the broth. Newton bounded forth, their No 10 (Lewis Davenport) was the apical component of a simplistic move and the shot released was robust enough. The mittman however, despite having an easy day of it, remained composed and collected without fuss.
The team ahead pushed, they chomped with about as much success as a toothless hag tackling a frozen pork chop - no impression was made. The game looked to be falling into the soporific realms of static when a Denton corner came, a shot led to a quite farcical handball decision and Newton were suddenly down to 10 men and facing a penalty. Loughman stroked home with aplomb - a double dig for the guests and from the kick off the insult was added to when a sweeping move saw a shot for Denton saved, a follow-up bring a shout of handball and then a third attempt clatter the underside of the horizontal. The referee concurred with the penalty hollerings, Loughman repeated his recent bout of penetrative hoofing - 3 - 0 folks, the end result was decided.
After a delay a restart came, Denton's Lewys raced forth, from a crowded angle let fly - stop press, make that a 4-goal lead. I was struggling to keep up to speed here when suddenly the ball was once again played forth by the leading pack with No 5 (Vole McGrath) playing to Loughman and No 16 (Keith Blake) finishing matters without fuss.
The game was done as a contest, Newton Athletic tried to grab a consolation with Moorfield placing a free-kick that lacked disguise and so was easily read by the No 1 (Phil Pole). The ball went straight down to the opposite end, Lewys was on it, again at the angle - make that a dozen folks, who would have thought it?
The nib of my pen was now glowing like the tip of an Indian man's pecker after an accident with a sack of curry powder. I full stopped my latest observations, looked up and saw a Denton corner fall onto the head of McGrath who could only find the keeper's hands and then a sweeping move highlight some good touch play with the ball neatly placed for McGrath to amend matters and comfortably guide homeward. The lucky 7 was struck, the referee halted the whitewash soon after - well, it keeps the goal averages up.
Farewells and a pootle home to ponder the final scoreline, by crikey, to make this sound interesting I need to summon the ghosts of Billy Shakespeare and Babs Cartland and let them spill their literary advice. Man of the Match goes to Denton Town's No 7 (Lewis Loughman) for 2 goals, quick feet and a desire to try and create and inject some energy into a game that went too flat on too many occasions.
FINAL THOUGHT - Firstly to Newton Athletic, a team struggling, just plodding to the end of the season and no doubt just using games as run-outs and a chance to try something new. There is no point in busting a gut or getting stressed at this stage, for me, the team just need to go out for their remaining matches, express themselves, go for a gung-ho approach and just enjoy themselves before preparing for the next campaign. They were poor today although their goalkeeper deserves a mention after a string of decent saves and the fact is, they turned up, had a go, and refused to play dirty and start the old piss and moan malarky. Denton Town are on it and looking for a promotional spot. To be fair, the first half performance lacked hunger and urgency and if their opponents could have sneaked a surprise goal things may have been a little more stressful. In the end they coasted home here but they need to go at matters full tilt for the rest of the season and get teams dead and buried before the break. The key is too not get too obsessed with this continental passing play and be more assertive and direct. They will certainly be in the end shake-up though, tis' a nail biter to savour with only one of three assured of a promotional spot. I have my truss of anticipation tightened, my rectum of hope clenched, I just need to sharpen my nib and make sure the aforementioned Mr Starkey doesn't lace my pre-match brew with any love-dust - the man's sexual appetite is insatiable.
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