25th May 2021 - Cheadle Heath Nomad
Reserves 5 v 3 Windle Labour FC - 19.00 hours, the scene was set. The local
Nomadic posse was in town, waiting for a showdown with the travelling bandits
from down St Helens way. Rumour had it that a few gunslingers were in the
vicinity - namely - Try-It Twerp, Messy Staines, Wild Bill Cock-Up, Billy The
Skid (Mark) and Muffalo Bill. It was a shame Thrutch Cassidy couldn't
make it but his recent strainings down below had seen him laid up in his shack
whilst being attended to by Calamitous Jane. Hey ho - these things
happen! So the shoot-out was set, I looked on as the black-clad sheriff
looked to maintain law and order. Tonight I was pen and paper free, this report
is merely the recollections from the cranial gunk, hold onto your saddles
folks, things could get mighty rough out in these here parts - hot darn
tootin'.
The game kicked
off, both sides looked to play things real smooth with the opening goal coming
via the hosts after a liquid move was finalised by the marksman No 10 (Kyle
Foley)! A response was sought, things looked promising until the
game was halted, a warning was given to the pink clad Windle keeper (ooh suits
you sir) and an indirect free-kick was granted to the hosts in their opponent’s
box. As one can imagine, things became heated, verbals began to fly and
temperaments began to melt quicker than a wax vibrator left on a sunny
windowsill. The bonus boot was taken, a touch and wallop - 2-0 it was and
a touchline eruption came. A red card was shown, men sporting bibs
emblazoned with the words 'respect' seemed to be unaware of the meaning of the
word and a minor merry Hell ensued. The local preacherman's daughter ran
for cover, western porn-star Clit Eastwood downed several Rye Whiskeys and
Annie Chokely accidently shot off her left titty as things started to get a
trifle 'stupid'. The Nomad players were persuaded to let their opponents
score a gratis goal, the man in the middle was duly labelled a 'right twat' -
there was much injustice apparent. The game needed help, I tried to wire
a telegram to that nosey-do-gooder Casey Jones, apparently he was stuck out in
the backwoods after a unprecedented landslide.
The game
continued, both units tried to play, the thermality had lowered somewhat but
the visiting bench kept up their niggling commentary. More goals came,
somehow Windle had got their noses in front with a hat-trick of strikes that
were all of decent quality. The action was interspersed with several
goal-line clearances and a few quality saves from both ends. The Nomads
finished the first 45 on the back foot and an explanation as to this sudden
turn of events was lacking. The break came, I was expecting the local Can-Can
Girls to serve up a knicker flashing treat, all I got was a glimpse of George
Gibbons (Nomads Chairman) arse crack as he bent down to pick up a few quarters
from the well-traversed touchline (it just didn't have the same arousing
appeal).
Half two began,
the game stood at 2-3! Both packs had reloaded and looked to mow down
their enemies with efficient accuracy. The Nomads were instantly at it
and from the kick-off a deliciously simplistic move saw Foley bag a hat-trick
and put the end result up for grabs. A few more dubious decisions came, the
gobwork aimed at the man in the middle was saucy but remained in check, one had
serious concerns though if any more untoward decisions were made.
The next strike
soon came, it was from the penalty spot with the Nomads No 4 (Lee Constantine)
slotting home with aplomb. The verdict looked fine and dandy - it was
just as well. We now had a period of decent battling football, credit
where credit is due with the WL frontmen battling away with fair gumption and
unlucky not to get the rub of the green on several occasions. Suddenly
the hosts broke, a couple of passes and Foley was there yet again to sweep home
- it was now 5-3, a game with everything, even a low flying Ring Neck Parakeet
shouted out in excitement. It was a pity the local Red Indian Tribe
took offence to this avian delight and the leader ‘Big Chief Rubber Ring’ nailed
the noisy flutterer with a will-aimed arrow.
The final throes
looked to be settled until yet more off-pitch hollering crossed a border and the
referee, with a face of disgust and dejection decided to call it a day.
The straw breaking the camel’s back was a threat laden with ill-intent, just
imagine if there were kids present, just imagine what the consequences could
have been due to a lack of discipline - not good at all is it. So the
game was done, a potential belter abruptly full-stopped for all the wrong
reasons - hey fuckin' ho. Man of the Match, No 10 (Kyle Foley) I
don't think I need explain why although mention must go to the Nomad's No 1
(Jake Gartside) who had a right confidence building game - a very positive
aspect on which to sign off - hot diggity dog!
FINAL THOUGHTS - We have had over 12 months of
pandemic-based piss arsing and in some quarters there has been no
progress. A chance to reflect, ponder and come forth with a more
respectful and positive attitude has been lost in a majority of realms and even
Non-League football is an example of this. The referee had a shocker, but
the fact is, these guys come, allow the games to go ahead and certainly don't
deserve to be subjected to the trash talk on show tonight and issued with vile
threats. Football is game, nothing more, nothing less, if we can't enjoy,
behave and encourage at this level then what chance the world - sadly the
answer seems to be 'no chance'.
The events of the
night were a shame and the way in which matters were called to a halt were
justified but still left a sour taste in the gaping gob. The bench of
Windle Labour let themselves down and got too hot under the collar and so
blighted their attempts at winning an intriguing contest. The team played
some good football at times, really moved the ball about well and on one or two
occasions were a stroke away from scoring a couple of very memorable
goals. Instead they went home with no points, with a few folk looking
foolish and with a few regrets to suck on - not the best way to finish a night
of ball hoofing. As per, The Nomads kept their heads down, cracked on and
let their triggers do the talking. Several strikes were wonderful, the
keeper made some quality stoppages and, despite having a mid-game blip and
allowing the opposing team back into the mix, the squad did well to take stock
and retake command - good work I reckon and always a pleasure to see.
So home I went after the game was prematurely pulled. I was baffled by the going's-on, befuddled by some people's inability to take great pleasure in watching a game unaffected by big business shittery and certainly discombobulated by the need to hurl abuse and be so ruddy embarrassing in public. If people are so wound up in life my advice is to go and visit a local 'Wank Doctor' - learn a few new tugging techniques and then find a tee-pee, zip up the flaps and spend a week getting all the inner angst out of the system. If one reappears with a sore nob but, with a more genial and considered approach, the job will have been a good un'. Remember - there are people dying, homeless, starving, mentally ill, in all sorts of trouble and with no hope within a world turning to utter shit. Football is a blessed escapism, a place to encourage, enthuse and share some great moments and quality time whilst keeping folk happy and off the dusty, depressing streets. Respect isn't just a word, it is a way of life, think fuckin' on - so sayeth Davy Fuckett - 'King of the Mild Frontier' and I for wholeheartedly concur.
And to add – from Windle Labour on Twitter – ‘The club would like to issue an apology to everyone involved in last night’s fixture including the Cheshire Football League and we will work to address the issues. Last night was an embarrassing moment and again we offer our apologies. It’s not something that represents our club in any way'.
This is good to read – note to self to catch em’ again soon and do them a report that does them justice. One has gotta be honest and fair!
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