UP THE BOTTEY (PHWOAR)

31st October 2026 - Chadderton FC 1 v 1 Bottesford Town - The last walk of the year was led, I was still in a T-shirt, the climate was warm and during a shortish pootle we clocked up 50+ fungal specimens with several to confirm.  Lunch was brought for us by the organiser (very kind) and it went down mighty well I can tell ya.  With damp feet me and the missus headed to the planned footy, Prestwich Heys FC whom I thought were playing at home.  Wrong, I seemed to have gotten the date mixed up and was duly labelled a 'silly sod'. Thankfully we had time to adjust and arrived at Andrew Street, the home of Chadderton FC, with 20 minutes to spare before kick off.  We shared some chips, I had a brew and we found a perch.  It was still mild, a good game was needed as we had been rather slack on the footy front of late.  Busy lives of many angles, cardboard cut-outs we are not, static is an option to defy and putting something back is necessary - simple, selfless and spirited.

The game soon began and the guests earned an early free-kick.  No 8 (Scott Matthews) had a pop which was deflected over and the corner found the same player's glabrous dome with the ball pinging from the bonce and flying too high.  I considered this a big chance missed.  From here both teams pushed on in what was a very chirpy start. Bottesford were the force holding most threat though and were soon advancing again with No 11 (Jack Farley) fizzing a sweet low cross that was not met by any incoming strikers.  Moments later and Matthews was on it, put in a power shot that hit the inside of the post before being hoofed clear.

The traffic continued to be one way as Chadderton strove to get a grip on matters.  A rare pop at goal for the hosts came from their No 11 (David Abuku Danku) but like the facelift of Tom Jones, the elevation was too much and we were left disappointed.  Down the other end and Matthews played to No 10 (Owen Vincent) who executed a crafty backheel that saw Farley collect, spy a shot and put the globe into the netting. What a sharp and attractive goal that was.  

The Bottey Boys (by heck that sounds dubious) cracked on from here and the off-the-ball running was exemplary and kept the Chaddites on the back foot. A shot by the visiting Vincent saw the home No 1 (Oliver Culkin) save and fumble with a defender clearing the concern.  The hosts remained in a pickle, they were losing too many 50/50 balls and just being outworked.  Eventually though the trailing team put together a period of good possession and broke the general flow of the game.  No 9 (Andrew Theo) worked into a position and had a solid chance to level the game but the guest No 1 (Ryan Musslewhite) produced a concrete save.  The ball went this way and that before No 7 (Eddy Goddard) shot high into the darkening skies.  Vincent had a return shot for Bottesford but it was another attempt that flew over the timber.

The last rasps of action saw Chaddy's Theo win a free-kick that No 6 (Darren McKnight) hit firm and low with the keeper pushing behind.  The corner bore bugger all, Chaddy strained a little more but remained constipated and void of goalage - the break was upon us.

I nipped for a piddle, we had a nibble of some choccy and checked other half time scores.  For the first time this winter I was feeling the chill, I was mighty thankful for the cloned pygmies that I keep locked in a shed at the bottom of the garden.  In exchange for cigarettes, chip butties and back issues of Kangaroo Porn they knit me various warming garments for parts best kept private - I hope the tri-coloured conker-cradles are nearly finished!  Knit one, purl one, wank one - result!

Half two, the first progression was made by Goddard for the hosts who was tumbled by the opposing No 6 (Henry Moore) and issued with a lemon coloured card for his troubles.  McKnight stepped up, had a pop that went straight at the keeper who palmed away.  Goddard arrived and just had to touch home to get the all-important leveler, alas his shot went straight at the gloved guardian.

Onto the next action and the home keeper found himself in possession and opted to hoof long.  An attacking player was hindered, the referee issued a red card, had a chat, stuck to his decision and No 4 (Cody Prior) was sent walking (the wrong man charged).  The bonus booting was taken by No 10 (Jordan Lazenbury) who put in a low bender and found the bottom corner - what a double whammy mammy!

We now had a very intriguing cup tie that saw both teams work hard to grab the lead.  Chadderton tried to take advantage of being a man up but all they could muster was a wayward lob by Lazenbury and a poke at goal by Goddard who was denied by a margarine mittman (he was well-spread ma'an).  Matthews for The Town let fly a real old piledriver that wasn't too shy of the strike zone before we hit a session that was penetration free.

The last 20 minutes came, Bottesford created a fluent move with Varley feeding No 7 (Jamie Ture) who crossed with No 9 (Jack McNemeny) hurtling in and failing to make contact.  The hosts made a couple of subs, the perpetual Bottesford ball thief Ture had a cheap penalty claim and Chadderton's Lazenbury put in a low whistling cross that again was void of takers.  

Extra time, Chadderton had a couple of shots blocked, Bottesford had a free-kick that was hit with too much welly and the referee was soon rattling the pea (in a non-sexual way).  Penalties it was, as per, it was all a matter of nerve and luck.  Bottesford's Varley was first up and buried, Lazenbury for the hosts  was given a real rowdy reception and had his shot saved.  The horn blared, the jeers came and from here Bottesford buried every chance and Chaddy missed another and so were knocked out of the FA Vase.  The away team ran to their fans, celebrated like they had won the World Cup and to belatedly add to their joy, I think their No 7 (Jamie Ture) was deserved of the Man of the Match choice due to the constant galloping, good footwork and a remarkable ability to tackle, snaffle the ball and come away in possession - a pick-pocket player if ever I saw one.

 A good game, we nipped to the local supermarket afterwards for victuals and a warm - not a bad day all round.

FINAL THOUGHTS - Well, we ended up here by default and we had no complaints (well, the chips could have been fresher and the seating could have had its own warming device but there ya go).  Chadderton started too slowly today and seemed really out of sorts during the early throes.  To be fair, they did mighty well to grind along and get back into things and having made it all the way to penalties they were decidedly unlucky not to progress.  They should have made the extra man count but how often do 10 men up their game and come out on top?  Bottesford were exceptional at the start of this game and throughout the 90 minute spell they displayed a good attitude and approach when not in possession.  This will serve them well throughout the season and they could have a good run in this cup that is for sure.  Energetic, hungry and focused, as long as discipline remains, the work rate stays high, then many a good win is going to be had.  Bottey-Tastic methinks!