15th October 2016 - Bootle FC 2 v 1 Hanley Town - Today myself and my good lady were required to lead a fungus walk at Formby NT which was due to run from 10am to 1.30pm. I decided to see if there was any local footy on after the walk so we could make the most of a day out - Bootle FC provided the opportunity. So, after leading 20+ people on a walk around the woods and dunes and clocking up a total of 61 species we had a cup of cha and some lemon drizzle cake, set off in the car and arrived at the ground with 30 minutes to spare. A chat to a Hanley face I know from several matches and we took up our positions to watch our 21st match of the season. Tis all go in the Fungalised household.
The opening period saw Bootle start the brighter with an early warning shot not hitting the goal but slamming into the nadgers of the home sides defender and forcing more than a grimace on the players boat race. Immediately after another scramble was almost poked home and then the busy No 3 had a quickfire shot that was neatly pushed away by the alert Hanley netman. Bootle just possessed a sharper edge during the opening scramblings and it was the aforementioned No 3 that offered width and options. Despite this Hanley beavered and bustled and looked highly capable of sneaking a lead goal. The half became somewhat stale though with both teams happy to slowly build from the back but lacking that final piercing pass to open up the guts of their opponent. Bootle still had the upper hand and when much probing forced the away goalie to drag a striker down (and luckily escape a card, or did I miss something) the ball broke free and was slotted home by Carl Peers, much to the relief of the home fans. Bootle now grabbed the gonads of the game and began to squeeze with sincerity and another quick follow up goal looked on the cards. Another break came, that No 3 (again) made space and the resulting shot was fortunately deflected to the keeper - now that would have put Hanley in the mire! I will give the away team their due, somehow they wheedled their way back into the match and brought a great save from the home No 1 but this led to a swift breakaway that somehow brought no further addition to the scoreline. The rest of the half brought little in the way of orgasmic action although Hanley came closest when a nut put the ball just wide and a cross cum shot just missed. The match was still anyone's to win!
Half-time - tea and a burger, very nice too and after the usual relief of the bladder it was back to our positions to watch the final 45 minutes.
Initially the second half was more of the same with mistimed runs, poor final balls and overly cautious build-ups the order of the day. Bootle were still shading things and should have doubled their lead as a cross led to a sure-fire tap in that was miraculously saved on the line. The difference at this stage was that Bootle seemed to have a greater awareness of one another, a firmer cohesion and pushed and squeezed harder when without the ball. They seemed more committed to do the dirty unglamorous work and as a result forced the away side to make panic decisions and lose the ball in the easiest of circumstances. The No 1 of Hanley (Joseph Hemmings) was having a good game and produced a couple more saves as well as watching a power shot fly high into the sky. I was now expecting no further goals despite Hanley once more forcing themselves back into proceedings. Their perseverance was admirable and when a cross led to a shot and a slight deflection helped it homewards one couldn't help feeling that the teams, in some small way, deserved to be on level terms. Jonathan Higham celebrated his goal with his teammates and they all must have thought that the game was there for the taking. Bootle must have been gutted at this equaliser but their heads stayed high and they went at the game with renewed vigour. A shot best described as 'wank' was a waste, but on the lads pushed and with only seconds to go the game was snatched at the death as Joe Powell gained the glory in the 90th minute with the much sought after goal that sent all and sundry...crackers. It was a crescendo to a hard fought affair and somehow one could feel that something of this ilk would be the only real way to separate the sides. Man of the Match for me was Bootle's No 3 (Mikey Ordish) who worked the flank well, offered width, made several good runs and who, with a bit more leg work, can go on to be an even greater handful for defenders.
FINAL THOUGHT - They always say that it is never over until the fat lady sings - who is this fat lass, what the hell does she sound like and is she as in control of fortune as people make out? The game here was decided by a 'never say die' attitude and a desire to not settle for a sole point. Bootle wanted it just a little more and so gained the end prize. Hanley are a good team though and all they need to do is work hard for the full 90 minutes and before the kick off of each and every match make sure the aforementioned Fat Lady gets a good kick up her expansive rear!
Monday, 17 October 2016
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
CHILLY CHADDY
11th October 2016 - Chadderton Town 2 v 3 Stockport Town - A sore throat, a fuzzy head and a tired carcass after a couple of weeks of leading fungi walks, putting on gigs and dealing with a dicky car saw me arrive at the venue for tonight's match in need of a footballing pick-me-up. My grand lady was my partner in kick-about crime and after arriving early we sheltered from the invasive wind inside the car with a much welcome cup of cha. By heck the temperatures had dropped and it seemed almost time to renew my modelling career with the unpopular men's nudist magazine 'Thimbles R Us'. Brrrrrr!
7.45pm arrived, we took up our seating positions and the game kicked off with the usual feeling out process taking up the opening ten minutes or so. On form, both teams were difficult to separate and this was apparent early on when half chances came and went and all was left still goal free. Stockport played high up the field and looked open to a break and when a long ball was latched onto by the Chadderton No 10 (James Curley) the ensuing lob from all of 25 yards justifiably found the back of the net and indicated that this would be a game of two styles - push and punch, wait and counter. Stockport didn't learn their lesson but counterattacked well with a quick flick header almost levelling the game and increasing the unpredictability of the end result. The action levels rose, several players were now getting to grips with the game and showing some neat touches and the high moment of the first half came soon enough when a slamming cross was latched onto by the away teams No 7 with Chadderton's netter saving the day with a fine low save - phew! As Stockport advanced a brace of headers could have borne an equaliser but alas one was nutted to no man's land and the other was tidily saved by a wired in keeper. The match seemed to promise more goals with the only hindrance coming from both teams inability to release that killer pass at just the right moment. Of course when one seems to be witnessing a stalemate session a goal duly comes and that is what happened when, out of seemingly nowhere, the industrious No 2 of Stockport (Kiaro Sams) dinked a defender and rifled into the roof of the net with unstoppable, fiery desire. It brought new life to the game with Stockport finishing on the front foot and nearly pilfering a lead only to be denied by a last grasp tackle by a steady rear runner (take a bow No 5 - whoever ye be). Not a bad half of competitive footy at all.
Peep, peep - time for a break. A pee, a bit of Twix and back in the fresh and feisty breeze for the second segment of soccerised entertainment.
No sooner had a few passes been strung together and the referee was caught with his trousers down (gosh, what a chopper), an offside was missed and the Chaddy No 10 had a glimpse of goal. Alas the chance went begging - would that be decisive come the 90 minute shrill? Instantaneously Stockport responded with a breakaway and a flashing cross but the two predatory attackers both missed the flying orb by the width of a gnat's todger much to the relief of the goalkeeper and I expect, the said gnat. A time of to and fro, to and fro and when a long ball was cracked forth by the home netter the most simplest of goals was slotted home as that man James Curley stylishly bagged his second of the night and reawakened the general zest of the game. Over the course of the next few minutes the match developed into a manic spectacle with hustle and bustle aplenty, a brace of goalkeeping mis-kicks discombobulating the onlooker's peepers, some fine inner skills to admire and much ado about something being the recipe of the day. A highpoint was when Chadderton started to play proper and their spirited No 5 deliciously weaved from the pack, crossed to an awaiting striker whose accurate touch was beautifully parried onto the bar by the ever alert protector of the net. Another free kick came, Stockport looked a little ragged, the bar was struck again and Lady Luck's arse was being ridden to the max by an away team looking to get back in to the game proper. The action blurred, the expletive thermality ascended, Stockport allowed another long ball to be collared by the No 10 yet again and a foul finish was all that kept the game from being well and truly put to bed. Stockport pestered, pushed and rushed - Chaddy bickered with the ref after a foul, concentration was lost and the cross that found Stockport's No 2 was whammed home and we were all level going into the final stretch. Anybody could have won this, half chances appeared here and there and only a touch of class would separate the two - enter Nathan Neequae, a long term striker with an eye for goal and who has a certain style that seems to be readable but which just regularly does the business again and again...and again. A cross ball found our would-be hero, he peeled away, cut in, shot low and hard across goal and the winner was had, much to the delight of his congratulating comrades. The last few minutes were hectic but Stockport took three points back home and maybe, at the end of the day, they did deserve it. Man of the Match tonight will go to Stockport's No 2 (Kiaro Sams) who, bagged a brace and when brave enough to push forward always looked a handful and put the home side's defence well and truly on the back foot.
FINAL THOUGHT - Not a bad match on a night that brought in the first real gust of winters spite. Both teams have potential but they also have their weak spots and at this point it is anyone's guess as to where they will end up. In the sweated and fetid underpants of Ken Odious, the fat man of olde Batley Town, only the hardiest and bravest of ticks survive - herein is a situation to ponder for both teams - do not sit and stink, take a chance and shine and avoid wallowing in the shit, go forth and make your own success.
7.45pm arrived, we took up our seating positions and the game kicked off with the usual feeling out process taking up the opening ten minutes or so. On form, both teams were difficult to separate and this was apparent early on when half chances came and went and all was left still goal free. Stockport played high up the field and looked open to a break and when a long ball was latched onto by the Chadderton No 10 (James Curley) the ensuing lob from all of 25 yards justifiably found the back of the net and indicated that this would be a game of two styles - push and punch, wait and counter. Stockport didn't learn their lesson but counterattacked well with a quick flick header almost levelling the game and increasing the unpredictability of the end result. The action levels rose, several players were now getting to grips with the game and showing some neat touches and the high moment of the first half came soon enough when a slamming cross was latched onto by the away teams No 7 with Chadderton's netter saving the day with a fine low save - phew! As Stockport advanced a brace of headers could have borne an equaliser but alas one was nutted to no man's land and the other was tidily saved by a wired in keeper. The match seemed to promise more goals with the only hindrance coming from both teams inability to release that killer pass at just the right moment. Of course when one seems to be witnessing a stalemate session a goal duly comes and that is what happened when, out of seemingly nowhere, the industrious No 2 of Stockport (Kiaro Sams) dinked a defender and rifled into the roof of the net with unstoppable, fiery desire. It brought new life to the game with Stockport finishing on the front foot and nearly pilfering a lead only to be denied by a last grasp tackle by a steady rear runner (take a bow No 5 - whoever ye be). Not a bad half of competitive footy at all.
Peep, peep - time for a break. A pee, a bit of Twix and back in the fresh and feisty breeze for the second segment of soccerised entertainment.
No sooner had a few passes been strung together and the referee was caught with his trousers down (gosh, what a chopper), an offside was missed and the Chaddy No 10 had a glimpse of goal. Alas the chance went begging - would that be decisive come the 90 minute shrill? Instantaneously Stockport responded with a breakaway and a flashing cross but the two predatory attackers both missed the flying orb by the width of a gnat's todger much to the relief of the goalkeeper and I expect, the said gnat. A time of to and fro, to and fro and when a long ball was cracked forth by the home netter the most simplest of goals was slotted home as that man James Curley stylishly bagged his second of the night and reawakened the general zest of the game. Over the course of the next few minutes the match developed into a manic spectacle with hustle and bustle aplenty, a brace of goalkeeping mis-kicks discombobulating the onlooker's peepers, some fine inner skills to admire and much ado about something being the recipe of the day. A highpoint was when Chadderton started to play proper and their spirited No 5 deliciously weaved from the pack, crossed to an awaiting striker whose accurate touch was beautifully parried onto the bar by the ever alert protector of the net. Another free kick came, Stockport looked a little ragged, the bar was struck again and Lady Luck's arse was being ridden to the max by an away team looking to get back in to the game proper. The action blurred, the expletive thermality ascended, Stockport allowed another long ball to be collared by the No 10 yet again and a foul finish was all that kept the game from being well and truly put to bed. Stockport pestered, pushed and rushed - Chaddy bickered with the ref after a foul, concentration was lost and the cross that found Stockport's No 2 was whammed home and we were all level going into the final stretch. Anybody could have won this, half chances appeared here and there and only a touch of class would separate the two - enter Nathan Neequae, a long term striker with an eye for goal and who has a certain style that seems to be readable but which just regularly does the business again and again...and again. A cross ball found our would-be hero, he peeled away, cut in, shot low and hard across goal and the winner was had, much to the delight of his congratulating comrades. The last few minutes were hectic but Stockport took three points back home and maybe, at the end of the day, they did deserve it. Man of the Match tonight will go to Stockport's No 2 (Kiaro Sams) who, bagged a brace and when brave enough to push forward always looked a handful and put the home side's defence well and truly on the back foot.
FINAL THOUGHT - Not a bad match on a night that brought in the first real gust of winters spite. Both teams have potential but they also have their weak spots and at this point it is anyone's guess as to where they will end up. In the sweated and fetid underpants of Ken Odious, the fat man of olde Batley Town, only the hardiest and bravest of ticks survive - herein is a situation to ponder for both teams - do not sit and stink, take a chance and shine and avoid wallowing in the shit, go forth and make your own success.
Thursday, 29 September 2016
ANTI-MOGADON MATCH
28th September 2016 - Cheadle Town 1 v 4 Widnes FC - I had spent a day shrooming again and clocked up 92 species by the time I arrived at the game tonight. Not a bad effort considering it was a struggle but I was paying the price by overworking my Achilles Tendon and having a fair amount of grief. Luckily I had another dose of non-league footy to take my mind of things and with a caressing zephyr blowing across the ground and an obvious autumnal feel in the air I awaited an encounter which saw two teams still trying to get their gnashers into the season proper and build something akin to impetus. Saying that, Widnes are doing well this year and with the 2 Lomax lads up front things look set to get a whole lot better!
And the ball is rolling...
No sooner had the globe been kicked than Cheadle had pilfered the ball and won a corner from which a cross was latched onto and the bar was struck. Phew. Widnes immediately responded which saw a run, cross and final volley duly saved and keep the embryonic game level - double ruddy phew! Widnes gave the early impression of being organised and built from the back whilst Cheadle were as industrious as ever and occasionally testing the opposition's keeper. The home teams No 9 was putting in a good stint and keeping the rear guard of Widnes honest and got his due reward when a good pass was latched onto and hammered home with aplomb. The oppositions number 9 was equally menacing and linked up with his fellow team mates that made for some very eye-catching manoeuvres. It was frantic end to end stuff with half chances coming thick and fast, in fact a bit like the bowel movements of an elephant on fig juice - ooh err! The equaliser looked imminent and arrived when another neat pinging movement saw the Cheadle boys stand off and go to ground a little too easily and allow Jack Graham to slap the ball homeward. Cheadle should have instantaneously gone back in front after an awful goalkeeping clearance was picked up by that man No 9 again and struck goalward with the netman somehow redeeming himself with a low save. Lucky bugger! Hectic action came and it was noteworthy that the main flaw with both sides was their inability to relax. More problems were made than what were necessary due to a reluctance to get the ball, take stock, assess the situation and pick ones pass. The half continued in the same vein - huff, puff error, huff, puff, error ad infinitum. Still, exciting for the neutral tha' knows!
Half time, bag of crisps and a chill and watching the leaves start to fall. Many looked at their phones, I am stubborn bugger and am resisting that techno-twattology!
Back to the game and the Cheadle Greens came out as did their rivals the Widnes Yellows - almost like a flock of Yellowhammers going at it claw to claw with a gathering of Greenfinches - let us hope feathers fly - oh I do digress!
The start to the second period was scrappy, Widnes slightly imposed their physical advantage, turned the screw and put the home team on the back peg. There seemed to be a lot of industry from both sides and an equal abundance of wasted breath with untold mistakes creeping in. Widnes should have taken the lead after their frontman attempted to lob the keeper from close range but it was a poor effort and was plucked out of the air with ease. Cheadle wormed back in and beavered away like flies with a fever but when Chris Lomax of Widnes rattled in a goal it seemed to alter the overall dynamics and give the away 'erberts a big up in confidence. It was a goal out of nothing and forced Cheadle to scurry harder which duly led to Mr Lomax popping up again and hitting the net for the second time and making a two-goal cushion seem insurmountable. Cheadle searched for the plot, seemed all at sea and when a 4th goal added salt to an open wound that was that and it was obvious to all that were in attendance that there would be no way back for a home team completely out of sync. Widnes were more aware, had more adhesion and offered more movement and as Cheadle tried to force a way back in to the match it was Widnes who finished with the upper hand and deservedly took all three points back home. A woeful performance by the home team and far too hurried and hectic for their own good. As said, the match was a bustling affair and for me the only chap who offered any glimpse of calmness was my pick for Man of the Match, one (Oladimeji Odesanya), a cool customer who would not be flustered and who has a name that would score mighty heavily in a game of Scrabble - bonus.
FINAL THOUGHT - An entertaining match that highlighted the high fitness levels of these players and their inner passion to get stuck in. The most striking aspect though is that both teams need to calm down and play a game that is more thoughtful and considered. I once knew a man who buzzed about at great speed and did everything in a rush - one day he became such a blur that all that he did was deemed indecipherable and pointless - oh and his nob dropped off - think on ye players, think on and...calm down!
And the ball is rolling...
No sooner had the globe been kicked than Cheadle had pilfered the ball and won a corner from which a cross was latched onto and the bar was struck. Phew. Widnes immediately responded which saw a run, cross and final volley duly saved and keep the embryonic game level - double ruddy phew! Widnes gave the early impression of being organised and built from the back whilst Cheadle were as industrious as ever and occasionally testing the opposition's keeper. The home teams No 9 was putting in a good stint and keeping the rear guard of Widnes honest and got his due reward when a good pass was latched onto and hammered home with aplomb. The oppositions number 9 was equally menacing and linked up with his fellow team mates that made for some very eye-catching manoeuvres. It was frantic end to end stuff with half chances coming thick and fast, in fact a bit like the bowel movements of an elephant on fig juice - ooh err! The equaliser looked imminent and arrived when another neat pinging movement saw the Cheadle boys stand off and go to ground a little too easily and allow Jack Graham to slap the ball homeward. Cheadle should have instantaneously gone back in front after an awful goalkeeping clearance was picked up by that man No 9 again and struck goalward with the netman somehow redeeming himself with a low save. Lucky bugger! Hectic action came and it was noteworthy that the main flaw with both sides was their inability to relax. More problems were made than what were necessary due to a reluctance to get the ball, take stock, assess the situation and pick ones pass. The half continued in the same vein - huff, puff error, huff, puff, error ad infinitum. Still, exciting for the neutral tha' knows!
Half time, bag of crisps and a chill and watching the leaves start to fall. Many looked at their phones, I am stubborn bugger and am resisting that techno-twattology!
Back to the game and the Cheadle Greens came out as did their rivals the Widnes Yellows - almost like a flock of Yellowhammers going at it claw to claw with a gathering of Greenfinches - let us hope feathers fly - oh I do digress!
The start to the second period was scrappy, Widnes slightly imposed their physical advantage, turned the screw and put the home team on the back peg. There seemed to be a lot of industry from both sides and an equal abundance of wasted breath with untold mistakes creeping in. Widnes should have taken the lead after their frontman attempted to lob the keeper from close range but it was a poor effort and was plucked out of the air with ease. Cheadle wormed back in and beavered away like flies with a fever but when Chris Lomax of Widnes rattled in a goal it seemed to alter the overall dynamics and give the away 'erberts a big up in confidence. It was a goal out of nothing and forced Cheadle to scurry harder which duly led to Mr Lomax popping up again and hitting the net for the second time and making a two-goal cushion seem insurmountable. Cheadle searched for the plot, seemed all at sea and when a 4th goal added salt to an open wound that was that and it was obvious to all that were in attendance that there would be no way back for a home team completely out of sync. Widnes were more aware, had more adhesion and offered more movement and as Cheadle tried to force a way back in to the match it was Widnes who finished with the upper hand and deservedly took all three points back home. A woeful performance by the home team and far too hurried and hectic for their own good. As said, the match was a bustling affair and for me the only chap who offered any glimpse of calmness was my pick for Man of the Match, one (Oladimeji Odesanya), a cool customer who would not be flustered and who has a name that would score mighty heavily in a game of Scrabble - bonus.
FINAL THOUGHT - An entertaining match that highlighted the high fitness levels of these players and their inner passion to get stuck in. The most striking aspect though is that both teams need to calm down and play a game that is more thoughtful and considered. I once knew a man who buzzed about at great speed and did everything in a rush - one day he became such a blur that all that he did was deemed indecipherable and pointless - oh and his nob dropped off - think on ye players, think on and...calm down!
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
MANK AND MURK CLASSIC
26th September 2016 - Maine Road 5 v 4 Bootle FC - A day catching up with moth, butterfly and hoverfly records, a 3 mile wander, a read of an Agatha Christie novel, some good scram and a few household chores - ooh I needed a footy fix. I arrived at the ground in the mushroom friendly rain and watched the teams go through the warm-up motions. A chill was in the air and I suspected that before the night was out my nipples would be doing a fine old impression of freshly pulled wine-corks...ooh heck. Little did I realise though that the cause of this pap-based erection would be down to the thrilling football and not the subtle drop in the thermals.
Kick off came on the greasy, bejewelled green and the liquid leveller still dropped from the heavens. Things looked set for a goal fest but I was as surprised as anyone when Bootle started the came, glued together a couple of passes and put their first strike home with only 17 seconds on the tick-tock. The goalkeeper didn't move - was there a deflection or was it a case of cruelly caught cold? What a start! Maine Road needed a quick response, went back to the centre spot, flicked the ball around and after a quick run by an attacker forced an immediate penalty which was slapped away with aplomb - 2 minutes gone, 1 goal each - hold onto your nadgers folks. My mate turned up a few minutes later with a couple of cups of cha and when I informed him that 2 goals were already netted he stared at me in disbelief. No sooner had his rear touch the bench and The Road were 2 - 1 up after Richard Williams bagged a goal and contributed to the continuation of the madness. Bootle responded and a shot was cracked forth, it pinged about and could have gone anywhere but, on this night of goal mania, the away side picked up the scraps and suddenly we had an equaliser on the score card - pass me the ruddy tranquillisers, I am too old for this lark. Bootle continued to push now, the No 10 offering angles and the centre forward being a menace. Maine Road offered stout resistance and counterpunched with danger and when Bootle attacked it came as no surprise that a reaction came, Maine attacked down the wing, a superb cross was launched and a sliding tap in gave the home chaps a 3 - 2 advantage. Williams again, 2 for the night and surely hopeful of more. 24 minutes down, 5 goals and when the 37th minute saw Williams bag his hat-trick and leave Bootle 2 goals in the red one still felt the match was far from done and dusted and expectations were justifiably high. Bootle continued to play football, admirable indeed and both sides exhibited a strong desire which, once again, highlighted what a quality league we have to applaud. The break came, many chances in the last 9 minutes were had, this was a beauty!
A cup of cha', a pie for Ged (greedy bugger) and a large Twix for me (the food of the chocolate Gods) and back out into the drizzle highly enthused.
Half number 2 and Bootle were straight on it with a toss into the box testing the keeper who duly responded with a firm and reliable clutch. The repeat move came immediately, another chance ball chucked into the danger zone - this time the keeper dropped the globe like it was a freshly baked turd and the alleged rancid sphere was booted home and the game was back on. Instantaneously and quite remarkably another lofted ball was risked, this time the keeper punched and Lady Luck made sure that all was cleared and the ensuing fast and furious pace continued. Despite the hectic nature of the game both teams attempted to play football and all and sundry were being treated to a night of guts, desire, decent gamesmanship and all round dedication.
The frantic pace was surely going to be a factor late in the game and has Bootle cultivated a 'boom time' and repetitively hammered the home side Maine Road responded with a streaking runner creating a situation were two desperate goal line clearances helped keep the game at 4 - 3. A fascinating affair this with chance after chance transpiring and both units going for the jugular. Well wankered legs were being worked hard and after a manic Bootle push Maine Road produced a response that was smooth, silky and finalised with a killer blow - 5 goals to 3 - was that the game done? Only 8 minutes on the clock and all seemed finalised but when another hopeful lob was met by the crust of Ryan Cox for Bootle and the net duly rippled it seemed we were destined for a fitting finale. Only one goal in it, the toss of a coin would be easier to predict and although one suspected an equaliser could come, the Blues held on and took all three points from an absolutely storming game. Man of the Match, by crikey what a task! I shall opt for Road's No 2 (Joel Senior) who thrusted like a demon, stayed calm in the storm and worked his arse off at the back to keep his side ahead - good lad.
FINAL THOUGHT - These are the bare facts - The shows of Benny Hill have never provided as much excitement as what was on show tonight. Never in a million years would you get such value from a game of football as you do in the Hallmark Security League. If you spent the night with Hilda Baker on a love potion you wouldn't come away as shagged out as you would watching this game. The next time you watch either of these sides it goes without saying that you will need a change of underwear, a few packets of Valium and a good dose of Reality Tablets to bring you back to earth. Two fine teams, applause for the footballing efforts and both will do OK this season and, I reckon, be involved in many more crazy kick abouts - thank goodness for that!
Kick off came on the greasy, bejewelled green and the liquid leveller still dropped from the heavens. Things looked set for a goal fest but I was as surprised as anyone when Bootle started the came, glued together a couple of passes and put their first strike home with only 17 seconds on the tick-tock. The goalkeeper didn't move - was there a deflection or was it a case of cruelly caught cold? What a start! Maine Road needed a quick response, went back to the centre spot, flicked the ball around and after a quick run by an attacker forced an immediate penalty which was slapped away with aplomb - 2 minutes gone, 1 goal each - hold onto your nadgers folks. My mate turned up a few minutes later with a couple of cups of cha and when I informed him that 2 goals were already netted he stared at me in disbelief. No sooner had his rear touch the bench and The Road were 2 - 1 up after Richard Williams bagged a goal and contributed to the continuation of the madness. Bootle responded and a shot was cracked forth, it pinged about and could have gone anywhere but, on this night of goal mania, the away side picked up the scraps and suddenly we had an equaliser on the score card - pass me the ruddy tranquillisers, I am too old for this lark. Bootle continued to push now, the No 10 offering angles and the centre forward being a menace. Maine Road offered stout resistance and counterpunched with danger and when Bootle attacked it came as no surprise that a reaction came, Maine attacked down the wing, a superb cross was launched and a sliding tap in gave the home chaps a 3 - 2 advantage. Williams again, 2 for the night and surely hopeful of more. 24 minutes down, 5 goals and when the 37th minute saw Williams bag his hat-trick and leave Bootle 2 goals in the red one still felt the match was far from done and dusted and expectations were justifiably high. Bootle continued to play football, admirable indeed and both sides exhibited a strong desire which, once again, highlighted what a quality league we have to applaud. The break came, many chances in the last 9 minutes were had, this was a beauty!
A cup of cha', a pie for Ged (greedy bugger) and a large Twix for me (the food of the chocolate Gods) and back out into the drizzle highly enthused.
Half number 2 and Bootle were straight on it with a toss into the box testing the keeper who duly responded with a firm and reliable clutch. The repeat move came immediately, another chance ball chucked into the danger zone - this time the keeper dropped the globe like it was a freshly baked turd and the alleged rancid sphere was booted home and the game was back on. Instantaneously and quite remarkably another lofted ball was risked, this time the keeper punched and Lady Luck made sure that all was cleared and the ensuing fast and furious pace continued. Despite the hectic nature of the game both teams attempted to play football and all and sundry were being treated to a night of guts, desire, decent gamesmanship and all round dedication.
The frantic pace was surely going to be a factor late in the game and has Bootle cultivated a 'boom time' and repetitively hammered the home side Maine Road responded with a streaking runner creating a situation were two desperate goal line clearances helped keep the game at 4 - 3. A fascinating affair this with chance after chance transpiring and both units going for the jugular. Well wankered legs were being worked hard and after a manic Bootle push Maine Road produced a response that was smooth, silky and finalised with a killer blow - 5 goals to 3 - was that the game done? Only 8 minutes on the clock and all seemed finalised but when another hopeful lob was met by the crust of Ryan Cox for Bootle and the net duly rippled it seemed we were destined for a fitting finale. Only one goal in it, the toss of a coin would be easier to predict and although one suspected an equaliser could come, the Blues held on and took all three points from an absolutely storming game. Man of the Match, by crikey what a task! I shall opt for Road's No 2 (Joel Senior) who thrusted like a demon, stayed calm in the storm and worked his arse off at the back to keep his side ahead - good lad.
FINAL THOUGHT - These are the bare facts - The shows of Benny Hill have never provided as much excitement as what was on show tonight. Never in a million years would you get such value from a game of football as you do in the Hallmark Security League. If you spent the night with Hilda Baker on a love potion you wouldn't come away as shagged out as you would watching this game. The next time you watch either of these sides it goes without saying that you will need a change of underwear, a few packets of Valium and a good dose of Reality Tablets to bring you back to earth. Two fine teams, applause for the footballing efforts and both will do OK this season and, I reckon, be involved in many more crazy kick abouts - thank goodness for that!
Sunday, 25 September 2016
SCRAPYARD FOOTY
24th September 2016 - Whitchurch Alport 1 v 1 Sandbach United - A morning leading a fungus walk at Harthill made the option of carrying on to watch Whitchurch Alport at home all the more easier. The fungi mooching was hard due to dry conditions but 56 species were eventually rattled up. I expected the football match planned to be equally hard with the two teams on show both having played an equal number of matches and having the same amount of points. Prior to the match me and my grand lady indulged in a cup of cha and some excellent chips that went down a treat after the mornings natural rummaging. Just what the bent quack ordered (as well as the usual rectal investigation - the dubious bugger).
And to the match...
Within a couple of minutes of the kick-off, and having just digested those glorious chips, Whitchurch had committed the ultimate crime of fannying about at the back and presenting the away teams striker with a gift which was neatly slotted beneath the keeper and set things up for an interesting encounter. I expected much, a really good game full of quality that reflected the high flying units on parade. What was dished up was a scrappy affair loaded with panic-stricken passes, too much air play and a lack of real quality when a major moment presented itself. As the half progressed it became a pattern of Whitchurch pushing and looking eager and with Sandbach sitting back and looking for a long ball break. A few crosses from the home side promised, but failed to deliver. Sandbach had a couple of blocked shots and huffed and puffed but excitement stayed low and maybe the the flying Wood Pigeon and the whiff of some freshly purchased chips brought more excitement to my old carcass than what was going on on the pitch. Did I mention how good the chips were here - oh heck the saliva is flowing again.
Restraint, will-power and the need to stop the gut from growing forced my hand into avoiding another chip indulgence so I headed to the other side of the ground for the second half and had a Topic with my lady and a swill of Fanta - hardly the recommendation of a dietician but neither is Non-League footy so what the hell do they know!
Half the second, Whitchurch came out with the intent to play football on the deck and for the first 20 minutes or so it worked with their No 9 eventually being allowed to twiddle and twank (please do not remove the 'T's) along the touchline, get a cross over and assist in an equaliser that was, to say the least, deserved. Whitchurch imposed themselves, Sandbach held tight but were playing it dangerous with the main release being the breathless No 9 who, although labelled 'a dirty little devil' and a 'dirty little twat', worked his arse off, got stuck in and as someone noted, was a real ruddy nuisance. For me he put himself about and did it well and he did help in getting a free kick for his side but the potshot that came was weak and without direction, a bit like a cross-eyed pisspot on his way home after a good old bender. The game trudged on, it did its best to avoid being termed a 'classic' and it became more balanced than it should have been and somehow petered out into a situation of stalemate. The ref blew and in truth, it came as a relief. Man of the Match for me today was a close call between the No 2 for Sandbach (Matty Pearson) and the chips. I am kindly giving it to the defender though who may need to pay a visit to the doctors on Monday morning to have his knackers sewn back on as he certainly worked them off today and put in a real good stint to admire. Well worked squire!
FINAL THOUGHT - If one paid a visit to Oil Drum Lane and had a wander around the yard of Steptoe and Son I would place a wager that more quality would be found than what was on show today. That is to not say the teams that played were garbage, it was just one of those matches that saw two closely matched units snub each other out. In fact, the match was in many respects toothless, just like old Albert - ooh the dirty old man! Whitchurch now just need to keep a regular team and Sandbach just need a bit more sway towards the attack mode but come the end of the season these will both be tussling around the same upper end area.
And to the match...
Within a couple of minutes of the kick-off, and having just digested those glorious chips, Whitchurch had committed the ultimate crime of fannying about at the back and presenting the away teams striker with a gift which was neatly slotted beneath the keeper and set things up for an interesting encounter. I expected much, a really good game full of quality that reflected the high flying units on parade. What was dished up was a scrappy affair loaded with panic-stricken passes, too much air play and a lack of real quality when a major moment presented itself. As the half progressed it became a pattern of Whitchurch pushing and looking eager and with Sandbach sitting back and looking for a long ball break. A few crosses from the home side promised, but failed to deliver. Sandbach had a couple of blocked shots and huffed and puffed but excitement stayed low and maybe the the flying Wood Pigeon and the whiff of some freshly purchased chips brought more excitement to my old carcass than what was going on on the pitch. Did I mention how good the chips were here - oh heck the saliva is flowing again.
Restraint, will-power and the need to stop the gut from growing forced my hand into avoiding another chip indulgence so I headed to the other side of the ground for the second half and had a Topic with my lady and a swill of Fanta - hardly the recommendation of a dietician but neither is Non-League footy so what the hell do they know!
Half the second, Whitchurch came out with the intent to play football on the deck and for the first 20 minutes or so it worked with their No 9 eventually being allowed to twiddle and twank (please do not remove the 'T's) along the touchline, get a cross over and assist in an equaliser that was, to say the least, deserved. Whitchurch imposed themselves, Sandbach held tight but were playing it dangerous with the main release being the breathless No 9 who, although labelled 'a dirty little devil' and a 'dirty little twat', worked his arse off, got stuck in and as someone noted, was a real ruddy nuisance. For me he put himself about and did it well and he did help in getting a free kick for his side but the potshot that came was weak and without direction, a bit like a cross-eyed pisspot on his way home after a good old bender. The game trudged on, it did its best to avoid being termed a 'classic' and it became more balanced than it should have been and somehow petered out into a situation of stalemate. The ref blew and in truth, it came as a relief. Man of the Match for me today was a close call between the No 2 for Sandbach (Matty Pearson) and the chips. I am kindly giving it to the defender though who may need to pay a visit to the doctors on Monday morning to have his knackers sewn back on as he certainly worked them off today and put in a real good stint to admire. Well worked squire!
FINAL THOUGHT - If one paid a visit to Oil Drum Lane and had a wander around the yard of Steptoe and Son I would place a wager that more quality would be found than what was on show today. That is to not say the teams that played were garbage, it was just one of those matches that saw two closely matched units snub each other out. In fact, the match was in many respects toothless, just like old Albert - ooh the dirty old man! Whitchurch now just need to keep a regular team and Sandbach just need a bit more sway towards the attack mode but come the end of the season these will both be tussling around the same upper end area.
Wednesday, 21 September 2016
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
20th September 2016 - Stockport Town 2 v 3 FC Oswestry Town - A day at work and home for tea and out to the footy - how ruddy exciting I must say. My good lady dropped me off at the ground and I entered, picked up a much needed cuppa and chatted to a face I had met several times before at Northwich Manchester Villa and Daisy Hill. His son was in the nets for the home side tonight, hence his presence. Nice chap and we chatted about many football items, one of which was the shutdown of the NMV team - tis a struggle for sure at this perilous and financially tight level.
To the match and the 1st half opened with Stockport straight at it and having an instantaneous effort cleared off the line after what surely must be the leagues shortest goalkeeper was left stranded. No sooner had the threat been dealt with and Oswestry produced the goods after a defence slicing pass was latched onto, duly turned into a smooth low cross and tapped in with easy aplomb - fluid indeed and oh so simple and effective. Stockport were unsettled during the opening period, were blatantly struggling to gain any adhesion and, after a defender was robbed and another fine pass was made, it was lucky for Stockport that the away teams striker shot over and didn't put them 2-0 up. Equilibrium swayed slightly over the next few minutes but a quick break, a ludicrous foul and an ensuing penalty led to a justifiable two goal cushion and one couldn't help feeling the match was slipping away from any realm of competitiveness. Oswestry were a constant threat with searching balls forcing the home side to live on a perilous knife edge - one mistake and the cut in the score line would become dangerously deeper. As is usually the case with football though the unpredictable seems to paradoxically happen more often than not and after Stockport hit a couple of driving shots one of them found the back of the net and a slight power shift was had. The Stockport squad pushed and if it wasn't for a couple of good saves by the O's No 1 then things could have easily been all square. In fact, things could have readily changed completely had not an Oswestry defender produce a stunning goal line clearance that defied the odds and lifted the excitement levels no end. A very interesting first half to say the least.
Polly put the kettle on, oh you have - another tea please - slurp, slurp.
The 2nd half and Stockport were now pushing with their No 3 urging well and forcing many an issue. The Oswestry goalie was called into action again and duly produced the save with fast reactions highly evident. The half seemed evenly matched, that is until the two No 8's pushed each other several times and the home team player lashed out with a kick and justifiably received a red card - the silly, silly sod - talk about dropping your side in the shite! As is the norm the 10 men upped their game and although lacking in the final third they took the game to their opponents and made them work damned hard to gain any sight of goal. A few mistakes though offered a glimmer of a securing winner for the away birds but over eagerness and tight off-side decisions kept the game at 2-1. At this stage I was tossing up for the games best player, Oswestry's No 1 or Stockport's No 4 (Lee O' Brien), and when this latter player popped up and got his shining bald crust on the orb of leather to hit home an equaliser I was left with a very difficult choice indeed. The game became aflame (ooh poetry) and Stockport looked likely winners and then, as though Fate was more twisted than we deemed her, a fine cross ball was struck and a sweet finish was had and...surprise, surprise (add own Cilla Black voice)...Oswestry pilfered the result. Cripes, crap, cor blimey guv'nor - and that was that! Man of the Match - yes, the away side protector of the net (George Austin), 5 solid saves, 3 of which were cracking reflex efforts that made sure his team took all 3 points back home. Good man!
FINAL THOUGHT - Size doesn't matter, so proveth the goalie tonight as did Tommy the Todge when coming up against Samson the Snake in a Penis Press-Up competition held in Timbuktoo (oh I do digress). You see, application rather that appearance is what matters and if one works hard, has an eye for the game and has certain spring loaded equipment the day can be saved and a hero had. Cracking game tonight and good to see the potentially overlooked rise above and earn the points.
To the match and the 1st half opened with Stockport straight at it and having an instantaneous effort cleared off the line after what surely must be the leagues shortest goalkeeper was left stranded. No sooner had the threat been dealt with and Oswestry produced the goods after a defence slicing pass was latched onto, duly turned into a smooth low cross and tapped in with easy aplomb - fluid indeed and oh so simple and effective. Stockport were unsettled during the opening period, were blatantly struggling to gain any adhesion and, after a defender was robbed and another fine pass was made, it was lucky for Stockport that the away teams striker shot over and didn't put them 2-0 up. Equilibrium swayed slightly over the next few minutes but a quick break, a ludicrous foul and an ensuing penalty led to a justifiable two goal cushion and one couldn't help feeling the match was slipping away from any realm of competitiveness. Oswestry were a constant threat with searching balls forcing the home side to live on a perilous knife edge - one mistake and the cut in the score line would become dangerously deeper. As is usually the case with football though the unpredictable seems to paradoxically happen more often than not and after Stockport hit a couple of driving shots one of them found the back of the net and a slight power shift was had. The Stockport squad pushed and if it wasn't for a couple of good saves by the O's No 1 then things could have easily been all square. In fact, things could have readily changed completely had not an Oswestry defender produce a stunning goal line clearance that defied the odds and lifted the excitement levels no end. A very interesting first half to say the least.
Polly put the kettle on, oh you have - another tea please - slurp, slurp.
The 2nd half and Stockport were now pushing with their No 3 urging well and forcing many an issue. The Oswestry goalie was called into action again and duly produced the save with fast reactions highly evident. The half seemed evenly matched, that is until the two No 8's pushed each other several times and the home team player lashed out with a kick and justifiably received a red card - the silly, silly sod - talk about dropping your side in the shite! As is the norm the 10 men upped their game and although lacking in the final third they took the game to their opponents and made them work damned hard to gain any sight of goal. A few mistakes though offered a glimmer of a securing winner for the away birds but over eagerness and tight off-side decisions kept the game at 2-1. At this stage I was tossing up for the games best player, Oswestry's No 1 or Stockport's No 4 (Lee O' Brien), and when this latter player popped up and got his shining bald crust on the orb of leather to hit home an equaliser I was left with a very difficult choice indeed. The game became aflame (ooh poetry) and Stockport looked likely winners and then, as though Fate was more twisted than we deemed her, a fine cross ball was struck and a sweet finish was had and...surprise, surprise (add own Cilla Black voice)...Oswestry pilfered the result. Cripes, crap, cor blimey guv'nor - and that was that! Man of the Match - yes, the away side protector of the net (George Austin), 5 solid saves, 3 of which were cracking reflex efforts that made sure his team took all 3 points back home. Good man!
FINAL THOUGHT - Size doesn't matter, so proveth the goalie tonight as did Tommy the Todge when coming up against Samson the Snake in a Penis Press-Up competition held in Timbuktoo (oh I do digress). You see, application rather that appearance is what matters and if one works hard, has an eye for the game and has certain spring loaded equipment the day can be saved and a hero had. Cracking game tonight and good to see the potentially overlooked rise above and earn the points.
Monday, 19 September 2016
THE ART OF WASTE
17th September 2016 - Prestwich Heys 1 v 2 Alsager Town - A morn spent stretching knackered ankles, visiting an horticultural center to meet a lovely lady and do a spot of insect watching and then to me ma's to drop off her birthday flowers. Tis all go and with a 4 band gig straight after the footy I was contemplating more time spent in the sin bin of 'Shaggedoutsville' - what a shithole it is too! My grand wife and myself arrived at the sun-soaked ground in good time, purchased a drink each and headed to the far side of the pitch and absorbed the solar delights, chitted and chatted and watched the two teams loosen up. We had a Topic Bar each too - bonus. Oh and then...
Came the footy - a match I was struggling to predict the result of as both teams were on half decent form and looked set to be involved in one of those soccerised chess matches - ooh those bashed bishops and flitting queens!
The 1st half and a wary prodding and poking episode ensued (now, now ya dirty minded devils) with the opening main chance going to the Heys as a carving pass was latched onto and duly lobbed over the keeper and, alas, the crossbar! A few early fouls were committed and the tight game stayed as such with the home team having more threat and seeming odds to break the deadlock. Alsager though are firm in defence and kept their shape well and with good discipline and industrialism forced a few free kicks and half chances, one incident which resulted in the linesman being branded as 'Brain Dead' - ooh and he looked so rotund and healthy. The chess match continued and looked set to turn stale until Alsager tossed about at the rear and let a soft header be nudged home and thus alter the whole dynamics of the game. Alsager surged back and won a free kick which was wasted and pounced upon. A breakaway swiftly came, the home teams No 10 raced away, the score line ached to be increased but full marks to the oppositions net man for racing off his line and getting proceedings blocked. Within minutes the same attacker had another chance but the eyes went wide, the head filled with steaming excitement and the ball was flashed over into the Heavens above - would that be a moment to regret? The game continued and after a confession from the Prestwich number 3 regarding his minuscule nob the game became tetchy and the rubicund and heavily perspiring referee became the brunt of both managers wound up temperaments. No doubt the man in blacks' fan club would be diminishing after this one and all down to one or two eccentric decisions. It ain't easy though and I wouldn't trade places with him for any amount of brass.
Peep, peep - half over - time to a piddle, a hot dog and some tea. Choice!
Part two and the same vein was struck and Prestwich Heys looked to be moving in for the kill with a few good attacks blunted by a weak finish and an offside decision. The liner was at the end of the abuse again much to the referee's relief I expect. Heys held the upper hand but lacked serious frontline quality and that oh so crucial killer pass. Alsager were showing little but, like a mouthful of sun dried lettuce, remained hard to break down. I didn't hold much hope for another goal but The Bullets started to squeeze back in and after a run down the wing resulted in the ball being crossed, dummied and slapped over the warning signs were there for the Heys lads not to switch off. I still would have had my money on a home victory so when Alsager pulled level I was as shocked as anyone. Wasted possession and chances were the cause of the turnaround and when the same method was used for the away side to go 2-1 up it was all to the detriment of the now, floundering home squad. Frustration took hold, the manager hung his head at the lack of options and general desire and when the full time shrill came one couldn't help feeling that Alsager were given a gift here even though they worked hard and hung in like desperate dogs. For me Man of the Match was the Alsager No 3 (Kyle Stubbs), an accomplished performance at the player's own pace - never easy but done well today.
FINAL THOUGHT - Prestwich Heys need to learn from the Transylvanian Terror, namely Count Dracula who, whenever he gets the chance, goes for the jugular and drains the life out of his vulnerable victims. Alsager however just need to remember Im-Ho-Tep, the Egyptian Mummy whom moves at a steady pace and always keeps things well wrapped up. It should keep them in good stead for the long season ahead!
Came the footy - a match I was struggling to predict the result of as both teams were on half decent form and looked set to be involved in one of those soccerised chess matches - ooh those bashed bishops and flitting queens!
The 1st half and a wary prodding and poking episode ensued (now, now ya dirty minded devils) with the opening main chance going to the Heys as a carving pass was latched onto and duly lobbed over the keeper and, alas, the crossbar! A few early fouls were committed and the tight game stayed as such with the home team having more threat and seeming odds to break the deadlock. Alsager though are firm in defence and kept their shape well and with good discipline and industrialism forced a few free kicks and half chances, one incident which resulted in the linesman being branded as 'Brain Dead' - ooh and he looked so rotund and healthy. The chess match continued and looked set to turn stale until Alsager tossed about at the rear and let a soft header be nudged home and thus alter the whole dynamics of the game. Alsager surged back and won a free kick which was wasted and pounced upon. A breakaway swiftly came, the home teams No 10 raced away, the score line ached to be increased but full marks to the oppositions net man for racing off his line and getting proceedings blocked. Within minutes the same attacker had another chance but the eyes went wide, the head filled with steaming excitement and the ball was flashed over into the Heavens above - would that be a moment to regret? The game continued and after a confession from the Prestwich number 3 regarding his minuscule nob the game became tetchy and the rubicund and heavily perspiring referee became the brunt of both managers wound up temperaments. No doubt the man in blacks' fan club would be diminishing after this one and all down to one or two eccentric decisions. It ain't easy though and I wouldn't trade places with him for any amount of brass.
Peep, peep - half over - time to a piddle, a hot dog and some tea. Choice!
Part two and the same vein was struck and Prestwich Heys looked to be moving in for the kill with a few good attacks blunted by a weak finish and an offside decision. The liner was at the end of the abuse again much to the referee's relief I expect. Heys held the upper hand but lacked serious frontline quality and that oh so crucial killer pass. Alsager were showing little but, like a mouthful of sun dried lettuce, remained hard to break down. I didn't hold much hope for another goal but The Bullets started to squeeze back in and after a run down the wing resulted in the ball being crossed, dummied and slapped over the warning signs were there for the Heys lads not to switch off. I still would have had my money on a home victory so when Alsager pulled level I was as shocked as anyone. Wasted possession and chances were the cause of the turnaround and when the same method was used for the away side to go 2-1 up it was all to the detriment of the now, floundering home squad. Frustration took hold, the manager hung his head at the lack of options and general desire and when the full time shrill came one couldn't help feeling that Alsager were given a gift here even though they worked hard and hung in like desperate dogs. For me Man of the Match was the Alsager No 3 (Kyle Stubbs), an accomplished performance at the player's own pace - never easy but done well today.
FINAL THOUGHT - Prestwich Heys need to learn from the Transylvanian Terror, namely Count Dracula who, whenever he gets the chance, goes for the jugular and drains the life out of his vulnerable victims. Alsager however just need to remember Im-Ho-Tep, the Egyptian Mummy whom moves at a steady pace and always keeps things well wrapped up. It should keep them in good stead for the long season ahead!
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